Mostly Ink / Writing

Note: Still unfinished; I ran out of steam after a while. Written around 2000-2004. The MSTing team are random originals - made up for this piece - named after characters in non-FF RPGs for no particular reason.

"A MSTing of Final Fantasy VII"

1. Intro; Assault on Mako Reactor 1

(A small, cluttered room. A somewhat jury-rigged early-80s Commodore 64 computer rests on one messy desk; bookcases hold an explosion of CD-ROM boxes, papers, books, and floppies; the center of the room is taken up by an extensive Gateway PC system. Two chairs sit in front of the PC. One is turned backward, and a young female slacker sits backward in it, facing the camera.)

Luna: Greetings from cyber-land. My name is Luna, but that's practically irrelevant. I'm just here to give the setup. This (gestures at the room) is the suburbs. As you can see - (she pulls back the curtains on a window to reveal torrential rain) - there's not much to do. My sister and I - (she yanks from offscreen, and another girl stumbles in and crashes into the other chair) - have been stuck inside for three days.

Margie: (looking out the window) Um, Luna?

Luna: (irritated that the intro is interrupted) What??

Margie: If it's raining, shouldn't we turn the computer off? You know, the whole...lightning....thing?

Luna: Don't MST your own script, okay?

Margie: Oh. Sorry. (grins in apology)

Luna: You want to do this?

Margie: Could I?

Luna: Knock yourself out. (spins around, busies herself with the computer)

Margie: Anyhow, to keep from going nuts from boredom, we're going to have a little fun with some video-game scripts. And thanks to the wonders of the internet, you can all join us. Though I can't see why you'd want to...but hey, we're all bored together here. (grins)

Luna: So...which one today?

Margie: Can we do Final Fantasy 7?

Luna: It's not even the newest one anymore. Why would we do that one?

Margie: Because we're evil PC people and Square's decided we should be punished with a late release on number 8?

Luna: (shrugs) All right.

Margie: Cool. (She stands up and turns the lights off; the only illumination comes from the monitor, which shows only silhouettes of our two hosts. Margie's silhouette clanks around a bit, running into stuff, and finally finds her seat. Luna loads up the program as Margie settles in.)

(The Eidos logo appears.)

(Both hosts throw up their fingers in crosses as if to ward off evil.)

(The Square logo appears.)

Margie: So THAT'S what a herd of stampeding mutant chickens sounds like...

Luna: You didn't know?!?

(Introduction FMV. The camera pans slowly across a starfield for several seconds...)

Margie: A long time ago, in a galaxy faaaar, faaaaaar away...

Luna: (in staccato bad-acting tones) "Captain's Log. Scotty got his membership to AARP. Refuses to engage warp drive. Stuck at 35 miles per hour. Must take disciplinary action."

(...before we see a beautiful young woman looking directly at us. Green embers waft upwards around her face. ...)

Margie: (dreamily) And while you're visiting Midgar Spas, enjoy our relaxing Mako Facial!

(The camera moves to show that the embers are generated by a Mako furnace in a dark alley as the woman stares into it.)

Luna: Heyyyy, they never proved that.

Margie: Shhh.

(After a few moments, she turns and leaves the alley, a basket of flowers on one arm, and stops to stand at a street corner.)

Margie: (as Audrey Hepburn) 'Ow's about buyin' a flaah from a poor gel, guv'nah?

Luna: (as Rex Harrison, very distinctly) A, E, I, O, U.

(Our view of her is momentarily obstructed by a massive train as it speeds past through the town square. The camera swings outward through the dark, dingy square, under a stone arch, and then begins to swing upwards. The view moves higher and higher until the entire circular city of Midgar comes into view. The Final Fantasy VII logo appears for a few moments...)

Luna & Margie: Oooh. Ahhh.

Luna: Y'know, I was just wondering what game we were playing, despite its being plastered all over the box and written on the icon. Thank you for clearing that up.

(...before the camera begins to swing back down, into a different part of a city.)

Margie: Ow! Stop! Stop the cutting! Are these train shots supposed to be subliminal?

Luna: We're supposed to suddenly get an urge to ride trains.

(A train is pulling into a station in another dark alley. Two guards patrol the platform. Jessie flips spectacularly off the train. The guards attack the intruder only to be knocked out by her skillful hands and feet. Barret hops out of the train, turns, and motions for another to follow.)

Luna: (whistles three times) C'mere Cloud. C'mere boy. Gooood boy.

Barret
"C'mon newcomer. Follow me."

(He runs upstairs. Cloud flips out of the train and follows him...)

Luna: And as we ALL know, flipping out is what Cloud does best.

(...Two guards come down the stairs down to the train platform, blocking his path.)

(Battle sequence with two guards)

Margie: Don't worry, it gets tougher than this....

Luna: ...though not until disc 3.

(After the battle, Cloud runs up the stairs and meets the group - Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge, opening the main gate to a Mako reactor.)

Margie: Hey! Didn't Biggs and Wedge die in Six?

Luna: That was Vicks. Wedge was in it, though.

Margie: Yeah, he got vaporized by Tritoch. Geez, how cheesy, bringing them back to life.

Luna: Maybe it's a prequel.

Margie: Then why are they both thirty?

Luna: Beats me. How the heck did that Wedge guy fit into Magitek armor?

Margie: Dunno.

Biggs
"Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right! ...Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE."

Margie: No need to yell.

Jessie
"SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy?"
"What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?"

Margie: NO NEED TO YELL!

Biggs
"Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER."
"He quit them and now is one of us."
"Didn't catch your name..."

Margie: (as Cloud) I didn't drop it!

Luna: Go directly to bad-comedy jail. Do not pass go.

Margie: Oops.

(The PLAYER names Cloud)

Cloud
"...Cloud."

Margie: ...Like he had to think about it?!?

Luna: What the heck kind of name is "Cloud"? "Hi, my name's Cumulonimbus."

Margie: "Run! It's Low Pressure Front!"

Luna: "It is I, Pollen Index."

Margie: "And I'm his faithful sidekick Isobar!"

Luna: What's next, some guy named "Squall"?

Margie: Um...actually...

Biggs
"Cloud, eh? I'm..."

Margie: So he's Canadian?

Luna: Low blow. That's one bad comedy demerit.

Margie: Oops.

Cloud
"I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over... I'm outta here."

Luna: Man, either this is one long job, or this game is going to be shorter than Mystic Quest.

Margie: How would you know it's about this guy, huh?

Luna: He's on the cover. Duh.

(Barret comes running up from offscreen.)

Barret
"The hell you all doin'!? I thought I told you never to move in a group!"

Luna and Margie: (as the group, sadly) Sorr-ry... (sniff)

"Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it."

(The group heads through the gate. Barret stops and turns to face Cloud.)

"Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!"

(The PLAYER names Barret)

Barret
"If you push the Directional button while pushing the [CANCEL] button to run. (earlier marked X)"

Margie: Um...suspension of disbelief? The fourth wall? C'mon, man!

Luna: (as Barret) Now, if you'll turn to page 3 in the instruction book with me...

(FMV sequence. The camera swings to show the Shinra headquarters towering above as Cloud following Barret through the gate. Cloud follows the others to the Reactor. Wedge stays on the bridge in front of the reactor as the others head inside.)

Wedge
"I'll secure the escape passage. Concentrate on the mission, Cloud."

Margie: No. Concentrate on fixing the hair. THEN concentrate on the mission.

"Geez, we're really gonna blow this huge furnace up? This'll be somethin' to see!"

Luna: Fire. Fire. Heh heh heh.

(Cloud follows the others into the Reactor.)

Barret
"Yo! This your first time in a reactor?"

Luna & Margie: Yo Adriaaaaaaan!

Cloud
"No. After all, I did work for Shinra, y'know."

Barret
"The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day."
"It's the life blood of the planet. But Shinra keeps suckin' the blood out with these machines."

Cloud
"I'm not here for a lecture. Let's just hurry."

Luna: (eagerly) Gee thanks, Professor Badass! Can we learn about Lifestream tomorrow?

Barret
"That's it! You're comin' with me from now on."

(Barret joins Cloud. The group works through the locked doors deeper inside the reactor.)

Margie: Am I the only one who finds that walking-into-people thing a little disturbing?

Luna: Yes.

Jessie
"Biggs and I got the code for this door."

Margie: Yeah, picked it up at a yard sale. Buck ninety-nine.

Biggs
"Code deciphered"

Luna: Life without punctuation Can be fun

(They go through the door.)

Biggs
"Think how many of our people risked their lives, just for this code..."

Jessie
"Code deciphered"

Luna: Please Stop doing that

(They go through the door and work deeper into the reactor. Biggs stays at the door. They enter an elevator)

Jessie
"Push that button over there!"

Luna: (tensely) Push the BUTTON, Frank!

Margie: (gloating) Heh heh heh.

(Cloud presses the button. The elevator starts moving.)

Barret
"Little by little the reactors'll drain out all the life. And that'll be that."

Luna & Margie: (singing) That's what it's all about. (clap clap)

Cloud
"It's not my problem."

Barret
"The planet's dyin', Cloud!"

Cloud
"The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and the Roboguards come."

Luna: (as Cloud) And my stamp collection. But tell that to anyone and I'll stick this Buster Sword up your-

(Barret turns away, shaking with anger, then looks back over his shoulder at Cloud and rejoins him. The elevator stops and Jessie gets off. They continue into the reactor.)

Jessie
"Push the [OK] button in front of a ladder to grab on to it. After that, use the [Directional button] to move up and down."

(Luna & Margie groan)

Margie: (as Jessie) If you'll turn to page 47 in the instruction book with me...

(Jessie stays behind. Cloud continues to the reactor core.)

Barret
"When we blow this place, this ain't gonna be nothin' more than a hunka junk."

Margie: A hunka hunka burnin' junk.

(Luna groans.)

"Cloud, you set the bomb."

Cloud
"Shouldn't you do it?"

Barret
"Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'."

Luna: Even video game characters are taking endorsements now?? What's next?

Margie: "This is Strago for Geritol..."

Luna: "Sabin for Bally Total Fitness..."

Margie: "This is the almighty Sephiroth. You know, sunblock was a very, very important part of my plan for world conquest..."

Luna: "This is your brain. This is your brain on infinite power!! Uweeheehee!"

Margie: Some newcomers aren't going to get some of these, you know.

Luna: Their loss.

Cloud
"Fine, be my guest."

(As Cloud moves to set the bomb, the screen dims and something speaks into his mind.)

Watch out!
This isn't just a reactor!!

(It stops abruptly.)

Margie: "This is Cloud for Arch Pagers..."

Luna: Okay, enough.

Barret
"...What's wrong?"

Cloud
"Huh?"

Barret
"What's wrong, Cloud? Hurry it up!"

Cloud
"Yeah, sorry."

(Cloud sets the bomb. An alarm begins to sound and red lights flash.)

Barret
"Heads up, here they come!"

(Boss battle with Guard Scorpion)

Luna: Hey Margie, how many plays did it take YOU to figure out when not to attack the stupid thing?

Margie: (sheepishly) Ummmmm...

Cloud
"Come on, let's get outta here!"

Ten minutes to detonation!

Margie: Since when do we have a narrator?

Luna: Well, the security system wouldn't know when the bomb was set for...so... I think it's supposed to be the bomb talking.

Margie: Ohhhhh. Makes perfect sense.

(They rush back out through the reactor until they meet up with Jessie where she had stayed behind. She has one leg caught in the grate she's standing on.)

Cloud
"You all right?"

Jessie
"My leg got stuck."

Luna: (as Jessie) Despite the fact that I've been standing here motionless for the last ten minutes.

(Cloud pulls her out.)

"Thanks!"

(They continue to hurry out of the reactor.)

Biggs
"Let's go!"

Jessie
"Code deciphered"

Luna: Sorry In times of stress I regress to no punctuation

(They go through the door.)

Jessie
"Alright, be careful."

Biggs
"Code deciphered"

Luna: You know what? I give up. I just give up.

(They go through the door and exit the reactor. On the way out, Jessie falls. Cloud helps her up and they sprint away. FMV sequence. The reactor emits a ring of fire as it explodes spectacularly against the night sky.)

Luna & Margie: Ooooooooh.

Luna: Break time?

Margie: Ooooh yeah. (Margie gets up and leaves, turning the room lights on as she goes. Luna turns around on her chair as at the beginning.)

Luna: Hope you're enjoying this, folks, because we have about 150 scenes to go. We're going to take a little break here. We'll be right back.

(Fade to black, then back in. Margie has returned, and both of the hosts are sitting bolt-upright in their chairs, which have been turned to face the camera. A cheesy title screen reads "Game Auteurs Weekly".)

(Luna holds up a poster-board card with a picture of Biggs and Wedge.)

Luna: (loftily) Welcome to Game Auteurs Weekly. This week's topic is the immortal comedic duo of Biggs and Wedge.

Margie: (loftily) Ah yes, Biggs and Wedge. Contract character actors for Squaresoft. Remember their brilliant turn as the Magitek soldiers Vicks and Wedge in Six?

Luna: (also loftily) Certainly. However, I believe that the broadly comic yet ultimately tragic bit parts in Seven are their best work yet.

Margie: (still loftily) Ah yes. The nuances of pompousness, the...intricate tones of buffoonery...

Luna: (loftily) Unfortunately, these two unsung heroes of the RPG world have yet to carve their niche in feature films.

Margie: (loftily) Sadly, they have not. Although they had an early start in the cinema, with their immortal work with a brilliant director.... (holds up another poster, of the cops from Ed Wood's "Plan Nine from Outer Space") ...their unique talents have yet to find a home in the late-90s market. (puts the poster away)

Luna: (loftily) And so concludes our discussion of these two brilliant video-game character actors. Join us next week, when we examine the Role of the Imp in Modern Gaming.

(fade to black)

(Fade back up. Margie turns the light off, and both hosts settle back into their chairs and resume the game.)

(Cloud, Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are in a dark tunnel littered with debris and broken metal.)

Biggs
"That should keep the planet going... at least a little longer."

Wedge
"Yeah."

Barret
"........."

Margie: I've always wondered how to pronounce that.

(Jessie plants an explosive against the pile of debris blocking their exit.)

Luna: Avalanche's motto: "When in doubt, blow something up."

Jessie
"OK! Now everyone get back."

(They stand back and a wall explodes, opening a way to a courtyard. Wedge's butt seems to be on fire.)

Luna: Seems?!? Wouldn't that be pretty obvious?

Margie: (as Wedge) I think you're insinuating that my butt may be somewhat on fire.

Barret
"All right, now let's get out of here."
"Rendezvous at Sector 8 station! Split up and get on the train!"

(They all exit except Barret and Cloud.)

Cloud
"H, hey!"

Luna: (as Barret) W, what?

Margie: (as Cloud) N, nothin'.

Luna: (as Barret) F, fine. M, move. O, out.

Barret
"If it's about your money save it 'til we're back at the hideout."

(Barret exits. Cloud goes after him into the streets of Midgar.)

Luna: Yup, our hero Cloud. A leader for the ages.

Margie: He gets better...

Luna: ...but not until disc 3.

(A few people are running around a street corner, bumping into a woman standing there, knocking her down. She stands up and calmly brushes herself off...)

Luna: (as Aeris) Jerk!!

(...Cloud enters.)

Flower girl
"Excuse me."
"What happened?"

Margie: (singing cheerfully) I loooove the flower girrrrl...

Cloud
"Nothing... hey, listen..."
"........."

Cloud
"Don't see many flowers around here."

Flower girl
"Oh, these? Do you like them? They're only a gil....?"

Margie: (as the flower girl) Gil twenty-five with tax.

(Cloud buys one)

Flower girl
"Oh, thank you!"
"Here you are!"

(She gives Cloud a flower and walks off. Cloud continues through the streets of Midgar.)

Luna: Exactly what was the point of that?

Margie: Foreshadowing?

Luna: Of what?

Margie: Ummmm...

Luna: Exactly.

Margie: Maybe it has something to do with threes.

People on the street
"Just what the hell's going on!?"

Luna: Momm-meee, the bad video game is swearing at us!!

"Wonder what that is on the wall over there. Let's see..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yep, just as I thought. Lots of dirt.

Don't be fooled by Shinra! Mako energy doesn't last forever! Mako is the planet's lifesource! The end is in sight!
Protectors of the planet: AVALANCHE

Margie: No need to shout!

Luna: Protectors of the planet. And mass consumers of dynamite.

(Cloud reaches a dark street. A soldier patrolling the area spots him.)

Soldier
"Hey! You there!"

Luna: (as soldier) You...you're Toast!

Margie: Hopeless in-joke! Bzzzzt!

Luna: (sighs) You got me.

Cloud
"Shinra soldiers..."

(Three battles with Shinra soldiers. After the third battle, Cloud is surrounded)

Soldier
"That's as far as you go."

Cloud
"I don't have time to be messin' around with you guys."

Soldier
"Enough babbling! Grab him!"

Margie & Luna: Babble babble.

(The soldiers close in. Cloud backs away, but his path is blocked as he reaches a railing. Below him are the train tracks. FMV sequence. Cloud jumps off the balcony onto the train as it rushes by.)

Margie: "Speed 3: Mako Train to Nowhere".

Luna: Watch. Tearing by at 60 miles an hour, and his hair isn't even gonna move.

Margie: 'Course not. That's the power of Jenova.

Luna: That's what Sephiroth should've done to conquer the world: evil hair-care products.

Margie: Mako Mousse and Jenova Gel. Incredible hold!

Luna: Even when I'm decapitated, Jenova Gel stays put!

Margie: Get that special glow!

Luna: Refreshing mutating action!

(Barret, Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are riding in a train car littered with crates and junk.)

Wedge
"Cloud never came."

Biggs
"Cloud... Wonder if he was killed?"

Barret
"No way!!"

Margie: He can't die already! He's on the box!

Jessie
"Cloud..."

Luna: Goodnight, testy mercenary, and flights of -

(There is thumping on the roof of the car. Barret glances up.)

Biggs
"Say, do you think Cloud's..."

Margie: (gruffly, as Biggs) ...got a date for the prom?

"Going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE!?"

Margie: Oh.

Barret
"The hell would I know? Do I look like a mind reader?"

Margie: (as Biggs) Well, now that you mention it...you would look cute in a purple spangled turban.

Luna: (as Barret) Shu'up! Would not!

(He hits a crate with his fist.)

(The hosts jump.)

"Hmph!! If y'all weren't such screw-ups..."

Luna & Margie: (sadly, as Avalanche) Sor--ry... (sniff sniff)

Wedge
"Hey Barret! What about our money...?"

(Barret hits the crate again.)

(The hosts jump again.)

Margie: Geez, stop that!

Wedge
"Uh, nothin'... sorry."
"Ahh......."

(The train door opens and Cloud flips into the car from above.)

Margie: More flipping. Told ya.

Biggs
"Cloud!!"

Jessie
"Cloud..."

Wedge
"Cloud!!"

Luna: Cloud?

Margie: Cloud!!!!

Luna: Clou-oud!

Margie: CLOUUUUUUD!

Luna: McCloud!

Margie: Cloudiebaby!

(Pause.)

Luna: Cloud.

Margie: (as Cloud) Yup. That's m'name.

Cloud
"Looks like I'm a little late."

Barret
"You damn right, you're late!!"
"Come waltzin' in here makin' a big scene!"

Margie: (as Cloud, singing waltz tune) La lah la laaaaaahhh...

Luna: Not to mention...this is by no stretch of the imagination a "big scene".

Cloud
"It's no big deal. Just what I always do."

Luna: Make a big entrance, say something snotty, and flip out. Gotcha.

Barret
"Shi't!"
"Havin' everyone worried like that you don't give a damn 'bout no one but yourself!"

Margie: Did you hear...

Luna: Uh-huh.

Margie: Are we being corrupted?

Luna: Uh-huh.

Margie: Cool.

Cloud
"Hmm..... You were worried about me!"

Margie: (as Cloud) You big luuuug...whyioughta...

Barret
"Wha!?"
"I'm takin' it outta your money, hot stuff!"

Luna: Taking what out of his money exactly?

(He walks to the center of the car.)

Barret
"Wake up!"
"We're movin' out! Follow me!"

(He exits the front of the car.)

Wedge
"Hey, Cloud! You were great back there!"

(He exits.)

Biggs
"Heh heh.... Cloud! We'll do even better next time."

(He exits.)

Margie: Why do they feel compelled to direct-address him every single time they speak?

Luna: Because if we thought they were talking to Jessie...this would be very sick.

Margie: ...Oh.

Luna: Besides, the kids who name Cloud after themselves get a kick out of it.

Margie: I did that once...it was really weird.

Luna: You would.

Jessie
"Be careful, I'll shut this."

(She closes the train door.)

"Oh, Cloud! Your face is pitch-black....."

Luna: No it isn't! We just saw it!

(She wipes his face.)

Margie: See your dirty face upon the surface of the water. Come! Wash your face!

Luna: It's an obsession.

Margie: Twisted.

"There you go!"
"Say, thanks for helping me back there at the Reactor!"

(She exits. Cloud follows.)

2. The Train; Seventh Heaven

(The train intercom comes on.)

Last train out of Sector 8 Station. Last stop is Sector 7, Train Graveyard. Expected time of arrival is 12:23 AM, Midgar standard time...

Margie: Its official name is "Train Graveyard"?

Luna: Yep. Shinra controls all media and policy, but man, they're great about admitting huge piles of train wrecks.

(Barret and the others come into the next car and sit down. They disturb a well-dressed, official looking man.)

"This is why I hate the last train. Hoo-boy..."

(He leaves.)

People on the train

"Huh? This is my house, so make yourselves at home."

Margie: (singing) Train man... feel the rhythm in your hands...

(Luna sighs.)

"You see the headlines in the Shinra Times?"

"The terrorists that bombed the No. 1 Reactor are based somewhere in the slums."

Luna: They bombed the reactor ten minutes ago!

Margie: It's a really fast-printing newspaper.

"...blowing up a Reactor... they sure put some thought into this one."

"They must have a real calculating leader. I wonder what they'll do next?"

Luna & Margie: (as Avalanche) We're going to Disney World!

Barret
"Stop actin' like a damn kid. Si'down an' shu'up!"

Wedge
"Someday AVALANCHE's gonna be famous ...and me, too!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Front page headlines aren't enough??

Luna: (as Wedge) Hey, I'm thinkin' endorsements!

Biggs
"It seems this train hasn't switched to security mode yet."
"I'm sure that will change by tomorrow."

Jessie
"Hey, Cloud. You want to look at this with me?"

Margie: (brattily, as Cloud) I don't wanna!

"It's a map of the Midgar Rail System. Let's look at it together. I'll explain it to you."

Margie: (as Cloud) Noooo, I don't wanna!!

"I like this kinda stuff. Bombs and monitors... you know, flashy stuff."

Luna: Again with the bombs...

Margie: "Join AVALANCHE! Blow stuff up! And save the planet."

(They look at the map.)

Jessie
"Okay, it's about to start."

(A wireframe of Midgar is shown on the map.)

"This is a complete model of the city of Midgar."
"It's about a 1/10000 scale."

Margie: (as Cloud) As long as there aren't 11 more of these...cool.

"The top plate is about 50 meters above ground."
"A main support structure holds the plate up in the center, and there are other support structures built in each section..."
"psst... whisper... whisper... (The No. 1 Reactor we blew up was in the northern section.)"

Luna: (as Jessie) Psst...whisper...whisper...why am I saying my stage directions out loud?

"Then there's No. 2, No. 3 all the way up to the No. 8 Reactor."
"The 8 Reactors provide Midgar with electricity."
"Each town used to have a name, but no one in Midgar remembers them."
"Instead of names, we refer to them by numbered sectors. That's the kind of place this is."

Luna: Segmented?

Margie: (singing) Life in a numbered town...hey-a-mah-mah-mah...

Luna: You sing one more time and I'll be forced to hurt you.

Margie: Sorry.

"Phew..., this is next! Look."

(A dotted line appears on the Midgar wireframe.)

"This is the route the train is on."
"The route spirals around the main support structure."
"We should be coming around the center area, right now."
"At each checkpoint, an ID sensor device is set up."
"It can check the identities and background on each and every passenger on the train by linking it up to the central databank at Shinra headquarters."
"whisper... whisper... (Anyone could tell that we look suspicious, so we're using fake ID's.)"

Luna: Jessie, honey, those are stage directions. Let's try it again. Subway scene, take two.

(A red light starts flashing.)

Jessie
"Speak of the devil..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Well, he's large, red, and evil...

Luna: (as Jessie) Shut up.

"That light means we're in the ID Security Check area."
"whisper... whisper... (When the lights go off, you never know what kind of creeps'll come out.)"
"...anyhow, we're almost back now. That's a relief."

Biggs
"...snore.... heebeebeeheebee... snore... (Don't act so damn big, Barret... snooze...)"

Luna: Act? He is damn big.

Margie: (deadpan) Snore. Snooze. Heebeeheebee.

Luna: (also deadpan) Hey. Wake up. You're missing the game.

Margie: (jumps weakly) Oh. I'm awake now. Awake. Alert. Looking around.

Luna: Heebeeheebee.

Barret
"Look... you can see the surface now. This city don't have no day or night."
"If that plate weren't there... we could see the sky."

Margie: Uses double negatives...yet knows the if/were rule. A true grammatical wonder.

(Cloud looks out the window.)

Cloud
"A floating city... Pretty unsettling scenery."

(Barret gets up.)

Barret
"Huh?"
"Never expect to hear that outta someone like you."
"...you jes' full of surprises."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yep. That and tasty fruit filling.

Luna: That is so weird.

Barret
"The upper world... a city on a plate..."

Luna: I'll take one city...with a side of fries.

"It's 'cuz of that &^#$# 'pizza', that people underneath are suffering'!"

Margie: Um...I think this lost something in the translation.

Luna: Ya think?

"And the city below is full of polluted air."
"On topa that, the Reactor keeps drainin' up all the energy."

Margie: (singing) At the Topa... Topacabana...

Cloud
"Then why doesn't everyone move onto the plate?"

Luna: Waiter, there's a horde of have-nots in my soup!

Barret
"Dunno. Probably 'cuz they ain't got no money. Or, maybe..."
"'Cuz they love their land, no matter how polluted it gets."

Cloud
"I know... no one lives in the slums because they want to."
"It's like this train. It can't run anywhere except where its rails take it."

Luna: Thanks, Cloud. Half an hour into the game and you've thoroughly depressed us.

(FMV sequence. The train circles the support structure on its way to Sector 7. The train arrives at the station and everyone gets off)

Luna: The FMV wasn't that good.

Margie: Get your mind out of the gutter!! Bad comedy demerit!

Luna: (sighs) Got me again.

Barret
"Yo!! Get over here, all' ya!!"

(Everyone gathers around Barret.)

Luna & Margie: (as everyone) Yay! Tell us a story, Uncle Barret!

Barret
"This mission was a success. But don't get lazy now."
"The hard part's still to come! Don't y'all be scared of that explosion!"

Luna: (as Wedge) Uh...sir...we all love blowing stuff up. Remember?

"'Cause the next one's gonna be bigger than that!"
"Meet back at the hideout!! Move out!"

(All exit.)

People at the train station
"I'm not letting you go tonight."
"Wow!"
"Isn't there somewhere we could go to be alone?"
"There's only the train graveyard around here. And they say there's ghosts around too!"
"...damn."

Margie: Next, on As the Planet Turns...

"What?"

Person near Reactor Tower
"Hey now! ...Oops!"
"What on earth are you doing? Just butt out... geez!"
"Huh? You come to see it, too?"
"There was a bombing on top. If this pillar should come down, everyone in the slums is dust..."
"Well, there's no point in worryin' about that."

Luna: Second Rule of B-Movies: Never say there's no point in worrying or that you're perfectly safe.

Margie: What's the First Rule?

Luna: Never go to investigate strange noises by yourself. At night. In skimpy clothes.

Margie: Ohhhh.

"Hey! Look! It's huge, ain't it?"

(Cloud looks up at the massive steel tower.)

"Hey... This is a strange and wonderful place."

Margie: (as Cloud) Much like my head.

"This is my place, but you can come here when you want. Bye, bro!"

(He leaves.)

Luna: Second Rule of Final Fantasy 7: Beware of guys who call you "Bro".

Margie: What's the First Rule?

Luna: Never name Aerith after your current girlfriend.

Margie: Ohhhh.

Barret
"Yo. Cloud! Over here, now!"

(Barret runs into Tifa's bar, the Seventh Heaven, and chases all the patrons out...)

Margie: (as Barret) Out, out you two pixies go, out the door or through the window!

Luna: ...Nah. Barret saying "pixies" is just wrong.

Margie: (shrugs) Hey, it was worth a shot.

Luna: No pun intended.

(...Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie go inside.)

Barret
"Ok! Go on ahead."

(If Cloud waits around outside)

"Yo! Cloud!! Get off your slow-movin' ass!"

Margie: (as Cloud) See, my ass is slow-moving, but the rest of me is perfectly normal.

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, I get all distorted. It's revolting.

Margie: (as Barret) That's disgusting, man. Just get inside.

(Cloud enters the Seventh Heaven.)

(Marlene jumps up.)

"Papa!"

Luna: (panicked, as Cloud) You can't prove it!...Oh.

(She sees Cloud and hides in the corner. Tifa goes over to her)

"Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to Cloud?"

Margie: (as Marlene) Tiii-faaa! The scary man with the scary hair is staring at me!

(She walks over to Cloud.)

"Welcome home, Cloud. Looks like everything went well."
"Did you fight with Barret?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, he mopped the floor with my sorry...

Margie: (as Tifa) Watch your language, there're children present.

Luna: Yeah, Cloud's one of them.

Cloud
"Yeah."

Tifa
"I should have known."
"He's always pushing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little."
"I was worried."

Luna: (as Tifa) Mostly because Barret's twice your size and has built-in weaponry, but still...

(The PLAYER names Tifa)

Tifa
"Flowers? How nice..."
"You almost never see them here in the slums."
"But..."
"A flower for me? Oh Cloud, you shouldn't have..."

Cloud
"No big."

Luna: At least not as big as that "oh, you shouldn't have" cliche.

Tifa
"Thank you, Cloud. It smells wonderful."
"Maybe I should fill the store with flowers."

Margie: Yeah, roses and jasmine mesh really well with beer and gunpowder.

People in the bar

Tifa
"Sorry, Cloud. Marlene seems a little shy."

Marlene
"............"

Margie: (as Marlene) It's the scary hair man again! Make him go away!

Wedge
"Oh. Cloud!"
"Tifa realls knows how to cook. Mmm, mmm......."

Luna: Realls? Let's play "Whose Typo Is It Anyway?"

"Anyway, let me tell you somethin'."

Margie: (as Wedge) Back in my lap-dancing days...

Cloud
"About what?"

Wedge
"Tifa always lets me taste her cooking."
"And look at me now, I'm rolly-polly."

Margie: (as Cloud) If you start acting like a right jolly old elf, I'm quitting Avalanche.

"Don't know whether I should be happy or sad. But it's the good food and drinks that make this shop famous."

Luna: Definitely sad. Very, very sad.

Jessie
"Careless..... You're getting all excited."

Margie: How is that careless?...

"Wonder what for.....?"

Margie: (half-singing, half-shouting) I...can't...see...why...or...what for!

Luna: Congratulations, we've hit new heights on the "incredibly obscure joke" scale. All is forgiven, my child.

Margie: Haha.

Biggs
"Aah!! Nothin' like that first drink after a job."

Margie: Why are drinking and working always connected in this game? First this, then the Turks in Wutai.

Luna: Two words: Disgruntled programmers.

"Hic!!"
"Why don't you have one too?"

Cloud
"No."

Biggs
"What!? you tellin' me you're too good to drink with me?"
"Don't act big-headed jus' because you were in SOLDIER!"

Luna: (as Cloud) You think THIS is big-headed? Just wait'll we get out on the World Map!

(Cloud tries to exit, but Barret crashes into the bar.)

Margie: Okay, so a huge commando with a gun on his arm and a delusional mercenary walk into a bar, and the bartender says...

Marlene
"Papa, welcome home!"

(Barret lifts her up on his shoulder.)

Tifa
"You all right, Barret?"

Luna: (as Barret) No, Cloud beat the crap out of me. Whaddya think?!?

Barret
"Great!!"
"Get in here, fools!! We're startin' the meetin'!!"

Luna: He loves his teammates so...

(He descends a hidden elevator in a pinball machine. Everyone follows but Cloud and Tifa. Cloud walks to the bar.)

Tifa
"Sit down."

Margie: (as Tifa) You're rockin' the boat.

(He sits.)

Tifa
"How about..."

Margie: (as Tifa) ...those Dolphins?

"...something to drink?"

Luna: (as Tifa) 'Cause, you know, you have been working and all.

Cloud
"Give me something hard."

Margie: (as Cloud) Kool-Aid, please. (gruffly) Grape. Straight up.

Tifa
"Just a minute. I'll make one for you."

Luna: Wait a second. Isn't Tifa underage? She can't serve drinks!

Margie: In the US at least...ooh, we're being corrupted again, aren't we?

Luna: Yep.

Margie: Cool.

(She mixes Cloud a drink.)

Tifa
"You know, I'm relieved you made it back safely."

Cloud
"What's with you all of a sudden? That wasn't even a tough job."

Tifa
"I guess not..."
"You were in SOLDIER."

Margie: (as Cloud) No need to shout! I'm right here!

(Cloud sets down his drink.)

Tifa
"Make sure you get your pay from Barret."

Margie: (as Cloud) Now, he is paying me in action figures, right? We had a deal.

Cloud
"Don't worry. Once I get that money, I'm outta here."

(Cloud gets up from the bar.)

Tifa
"Cloud, are you feeling all right?"

Cloud
"...yeah... Why?"

Luna: (as Tifa) Because if you don't quit with that macho-man it's-all-about-the-benjamins attitude, I'm going to whip your spiky ass. And I just wanted to make sure you were in good shape first. 'Kay?

Tifa
"No reason. You just look a little tired I guess."

Luna: No, his attitude is a little tired.

"You'd better go down below."

(Cloud walks to the elevator in the pinball machine and goes down. Everyone is busy downstairs. Barret is punching a bag.)

Wedge
"You think I'm a litte too uptight?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You or that shirt?

Luna: Actually, I think that head-kerchief needs to be loosened a notch or two, if you know what I mean.

Cloud
"Yeah..."

Wedge
"The next mission will be to blow up the Sector 5 Reactor."

Margie: Um...what did that have to do with the uptight question?

"Cloud, you're great! Don't you ever get nervous?"
"Or are you like, impervious to feelings? Naw, that couldn't be it."

Margie: (as Cloud) Actually, I am impervious to feelings.

Luna: (as Cloud) And weather.

Margie: (as Cloud) And most household stains.

(Jessie is working on the computer)

Luna: (muttering, as Jessie) ...www.ihatemyjob.com...

Margie: (muttering, as Jessie) ...www.funwithexplosives.com...

Luna: (muttering, as Jessie) ...www.shinrahunks.com - Hey, stop looking over my shoulder!!!

Jessie
"Oops..."

Margie: (as Jessie) Did we really need that folder named "World Saving Plans"?

"Hey, look at the news... What a blast."
"Think it was all because of my bomb? But all I really did was just make it like the computer told me."

Luna: (as Jessie) The computer tells me everything. That and the aliens.

"Oh no! I must've made a miscalculation somewhere."

Luna: Yeah, in joining this group in the first place.

Barret
"Yo. Cloud! There's somethin' I wanna ask ya."

Margie: (as Barret) Where do babies come from?

Luna: (as Barret) Does this outfit make me look fat?

Margie: (as Barret) What's with your damn hair?

Luna: (as Barret) Have you seen my shirt anywhere?

"Was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?"

Margie: What a letdown.

Cloud
"None. I'm positive."

Barret
"You sound pretty sure."

Luna: Um...can you get more sure than "positive"?

Margie: (as Cloud) None! I'd stake my life, my hair, and all I own on it!

Luna: (as Barret) Are you sure?

Cloud
"If there was anyone from SOLDIER you wouldn't be standing here now."

Luna: (as Cloud) You'd be off running after them, begging them to take me back before I drive you crazy.

Barret
"Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes cuz you was in SOLDIER."

Margie: (as a translator) Should we lay on Barret's cliched accent with a trowel or a shovel?

Luna: (as a translator) Neither. I'm thinking backhoe.

Cloud
"......."

Margie: Personally, I've always thought that sounds something like... (she makes a soft buzzer-static kind of noise) "ehhhhhhhhhhhh."

Luna: I think it's more like (she makes a rat-a-tatting machine-gun noise) "dt-dt-dt-dt-dt."

Margie: Hmmm.

Barret
"Yeah, you're strong."
"Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are."
"But don't forget your skinny ass's working for AVALANCHE now!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Who is the rest of me working for?

"Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' on to Shinra."

Cloud
"Stayin' with Shinra?"

Luna: (as Barret) I said "hangin' on to Shinra". You're not listenin'.

"You asked me a question and I answered it... that's all."

Margie: What question?

Luna: Unless it's the "was there anyone from SOLDIER there" question five minutes ago.

Margie: Geez, he's really hung up on that SOLDIER thing, isn't he?

Luna: Ohhhh, you just wait.

"I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money."

Barret
"Shucks!! ........money...."

Luna: Hey. Wrong dialect. You're slipping into Generic Yokel. Once more from the top.

Marlene
"Papa. you're so great!"

Luna: Why, because he can push around a snotty kid half his size and two-thirds his age?

Margie: But...he's...um...got a big sword...and...stuff.

(Cloud moves to leave. Tifa runs in.)

3. More Seventh Heaven; The Promise

Tifa
"Wait, Cloud!"

Barret
"Tifa! Let him go!"
"Looks like he still misses the Shinra!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Well, let's see. They had a better office, they didn't yell at me constantly, and I got to wear a neato uniform. So yeah, compared to you, they rock.

Cloud
"Shut up!"
"I don't care about either Shinra or SOLDIER!"
"But don't get me wrong!"
"I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet for that matter!"

Luna: (as Cloud) Just me! And my stamp collection! But you didn't hear that!

Tifa
"Straighten things up with everyone for me."

Margie: (as Cloud) O-kay... (sighs) Where's my feather duster?

Television
......today the No.1 Reactor was bombed. The terrorist group AVALANCHE has claimed responsibility for the bombing.

Margie: When was that?!?

Luna: The press conference scene was cut out of the American version.

Margie: That's so unfair.

It is expected that AVALANCHE will continue its reign of terror.

Luna: Let's see - a rolly-polly pirate, a Rambo clone with very few lines, a computer-nerd pyromaniac, a bartender who doesn't believe in brassieres or standing up for herself, and one huge dude with anger-management problems and a wicked accent. Yeah, we're terrified.

But citizens of Midgar.... there is no need to fear.
I have immediately mobilized SOLDIER to protect our citizenry against this senseless violence. Thank you and good night.

Luna: "I"? The television, personally, mobilized Soldier?

Margie: They're very technologically advanced.

Wedge
"...Cloud."
"You say you don't care, but you came to talk to me."
"Cloud.... you just want friends."

Margie: (as Cloud) And a mint-condition uncancelled upside-down-Gelnika stamp from 1923. But you didn't hear that from me.

Luna: (as Cloud) And more hair gel. Can't have too much of that.

"Isn't that right?"

Cloud
"I really don't care."

Wedge
"You're terrible. Real cold blooded."

Margie: (as Cloud) Well, I've been known to bask on the occasional rock, sure. Who doesn't?

(Cloud goes back up the elevator and goes to leave. He is followed by Tifa.)

Tifa
"Listen, Cloud. I'm asking you. Please join us."

Margie: (as Tifa) Isn't that cool? Now I'm telling you. Please join us. Now I'm yelling at you. PLEASE JOIN US! Haha. Inflection is fun!

Cloud
"Sorry Tifa..."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...but my life, my love, and my lady is the sea.

Luna: Oh, come on.

Tifa
"The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying."
"Someone has to do something."

Luna: (as Tifa) ...sometime, somewhere or another. I guess.

Cloud
"So let Barret and his buddies do something about it."
"It's got nothin' to do with me."

(He moves to leave)

Tifa
"So! You're really leaving!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) No, I was just going to go outside and wander around in circles for a while. I like doing that.

"You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend!?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Well, it's more of a saunter, really.

Cloud
"What......?"
"...Sorry."

Tifa
"You forgot the promise, too."

Cloud
"Promise?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Forgot?

Luna: (as Cloud) Too?

Margie: (as Cloud) The?

Luna: (as Cloud) You?

Margie: (as Cloud, pronouncing it the buzzer way) ......

Luna: I still think it's more of a (pronouncing it the machine-gun way) "......."

Margie: I guess we'll never know.

(Tifa looks down.)

Luna: But not very far.

Tifa
"So you DID forget."
"Remember.... Cloud. It was seven years ago..."

(Cloud looks up.)

Luna & Margie: (making twinkly motions with their hands) Deedly-oop, deedly-oop, deedly-oop...

(Cloud and Tifa are standing by a well. The sky is full of stars.)

Tifa
"Look, the well."

Luna: Before you even start, I'm imposing a five-minute ban on Terrence Trent D'arby.

Margie: Awwww, beat me to it.

"Do you remember?"

Margie: (singing) When-n we met...that's the day I knew you were my pet...

Luna: (sighs) You found one. Of course.

Margie: Of course.

(Cloud nods.)

Cloud
"Yeah.... back then."
"I thought you would never come, and I was getting a little cold."

Margie: (as Cloud) Being that I'm reptilian and all. You know.

(The scene changes. Cloud and Tifa, as children, appear. Cloud is sitting swinging his legs on the well cover. Tifa enters from offscreen.)

Tifa
"Sorry I'm late."

Luna: (as Tifa) But it's so hard to run in this prom dress.

(She sits down.)

Tifa
"You said you wanted to talk to me about something?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Plastics.

Cloud
"Come this spring.... I'm leaving this town for Midgar."

Tifa
"........All boys are leaving our town."

Luna: (as Tifa) They took all indefinite articles with them.

Cloud
"But I'm different from all of them. I'm not just going to find a job."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah, I took me one of those correspondence courses. I'm gonna get a career.

(He stands.)

"I want to join SOLDIER."
"I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth."

Tifa
"Sephiroth.... The Great Sephiroth."

Luna: Yeah, they used to call him "The Really Athletic But Slightly Whacked-Out Sephiroth", but he got mad.

(Cloud climbs to the top of the well and looks at the stars.)

Tifa
"Isn't it hard to join SOLDIER?"

Luna: Yeah, that Shinra civil-service exam is a killer.

Margie: ...but then again, look who did get jobs with them.

Cloud
"...I probably wont be able to come back to this town for a while."

Luna: "Wont" - now we've slipped into The Catcher in the Rye.

(Tifa makes a motion.)

Margie: Cloud seconds it. Motion carried.

Cloud
"...huh?"

Tifa
"Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Well, first they start me out on the newspapers...

Cloud
"I'll try."

Tifa
"Hey, why don't we make a promise?"

Margie: (as Tifa) We both learn to dress before we're thirty.

Luna: (as Cloud) Nah, that's too hard.

"Umm, if you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind....."
"You come save me, all right?"

Cloud
"What?"

Tifa
"Whenever I"m in trouble, my hero will come and rescue me."

Luna: You know, we were doing so well with Celes...but it looks like we've slipped back to the Dark Ages. Thank you, Tifa.

"I want to at least experience that once."

Margie: (as Tifa) That and the heights of ecstasy, but you definitely can't help me with that one.

Cloud
"What?"

Margie: Are you hard of hearing? She said...

Tifa
"Come on - ! Promise me--!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Just try to cut back! Only one bottle of hair gel a day! You can do it, Cloud! Promise me!

Cloud
"All right.... I promise."

(The camera pans up to show the starry night sky. A falling star streaks its white trail across the dark blue.)

Luna: I think I'm going to be sick.

(Back at the Seventh Heaven.)

Tifa
"You remember now? ...Our promise?"

Cloud
"I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep.... the promise."

Tifa
"But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER."

Luna: And in a couple days he'll get to dress up as a girl, too, so his life will really be complete.

(Cloud looks down.)

Margie: (as Tifa) What are you staring at?!?

Tifa
"So come on! You've got to keep your promise......"

Margie: (as Cloud) (sighs) I'll get the turpentine.

(Barret climbs up the elevator.)

Barret
"Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER!"
"A promise is a promise! Here!!"

(He tosses Cloud 1500 Gil.)

Cloud
"This is my pay? Don't make me laugh."

Luna: (as Barret) After that hair, man, it's only fair.

Tifa
"What? Then you'll...!!"

Margie: He'll what?

Luna: Say something snotty and overstay his welcome, probably.

Cloud
"You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000."

Margie: (as Cloud) Action figures. We had a deal.

Barret
"What....!?"

(Tifa whispers to him.)

Tifa
"It's ok, it's ok."

Margie: (as Tifa) He's mostly housebroken.

"psst, psst..... (We're realy hurting for help, right?)"

Margie: (as Barret) Stop hissin' in my ear, girl!

Luna: How do you pronounce parentheses, anyway?

Margie: I think it's something like (she makes a glurping noise) "grlpp."

Luna: Or (she makes a mechanical door-opening noise) "shhhwmp."

Barret
"Uh..... ugh..... (That money's for Marlene's schoolin'......)"

Luna: Don't worry, I'm sure you would've undid any good they did in the grammar department...

(Barret turns.)

Barret
"2000!"

Margie: Happy New Year!

(Tifa walks to Cloud.)

Tifa
"Thanks, Cloud."

Luna: ...for what?!?

(The scene changes to Tifa's bar, the next morning. Cloud goes up the elevator. Tifa and Barret are standing, Marlene is mixing drinks.)

Luna: Now that's just WRONG!

Margie: (as Barret) Now, no taste testing this time, honey. You're our designated driver.

Luna: (as Marlene) Okay, Papa! Hic!

Tifa
"Good Morning! Cloud!"
"Did you sleep well?"

Cloud
"Next to you, who wouldn't?"

Tifa
"I don't know what you mean."

Margie: Wink wink, nudge nudge, knowhutImean, say no more!

Tifa
"I'm going this time."

Barret
"Our target's the Sector 5 Reactor. Head for the station first."
"I'll fill you in on the train."

Margie: (as Cloud) Remember, tasty fruit filling this time.

Luna: (as Barret) You are one weird little dude.

Barret
"Yo! Cloud!"
"Before the next mission, I got somethin' I wanna ask you!"

Margie: (as Barret) Why is the sky blue?

Luna: (as Barret) Will you go out on a date with me?

Margie: (as Barret) Did you really...uh...you n' Tifa...y'know...?

Luna: (as Barret) Uh, what's the meanin' of life?

"I, uh,..... I don't really know how to use Materia!"
"I'll give you that Materia you found. Just teach me how to use it!"

Cloud
"...sigh..."

Luna: We're skipping this part!

Margie: Awww...

Luna: No! We'll be here forever! We are so skipping this part!

Margie: Okay...

Cloud
"You wouldn't understand."

Barret
"So this is what makes them guys in SOLDIER so great, huh!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) No, I'd say it's the hair. And the cool outfits.

Luna: (as Cloud) And the unnecessarily huge swords.

"Ok, I'll ask Jessie again later. But you're in charge of the Materia!"

[Materia System] Access the menu and select [Materia] to equip Materia.

Tifa
"Cloud! I got a message from the Weapon Shop man upstairs."
"He has something he wants to give you. Don't forget!"

"Marlene, you watch the store while we're gone!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Here's a club in case you get robbed! Have fun, sweetie!

Marlene
"All right! Good Luck."

Luna's Voice: (voice-over) The MSTing of Final Fantasy 7 will be right back after these messages.

Luna: Who said that?!?

(Fade to black.)

(Fade back up on the room. The lights are on. The hosts stand facing the camera; Luna is dressed as Tifa, and Margie is dressed as Jessie.)

Luna: (as Tifa) Are you oppressed by a dictatorship-like megacorporation?

Margie: (as Jessie) Do you need retribution? Revenge? Or just a publicity-grabbing catastrophe?

Luna: (as Tifa) Then we're the splinter faction that can meet your needs!

Margie: (as Jessie) Call AVALANCHE at 1-800-KABOOOM! for a detailed analysis of your case. (The phone number "1-800-KABOOOM!" flashes on and off at the bottom of the screen for the rest of the commercial.)

Luna: (as Tifa) We specialize in several quasi-terrorist areas... (The list scrolls over the screen as she reads it.) Explosions. Sabotage. Computer viruses. Explosions. Kidnapping. Petty theft. Extortion. Explosions. And much more!

Margie: (as Jessie) Special package deals available for conspiracy rings!

Luna: (Tifa) Call 1-800-KABOOOM!

Margie: (as Jessie) ...before it's too late!

(Fade to black.)

4. The Train II; Airbuster

(The hosts are back in their seats with the lights off, as usual. The game continues.)

(Cloud arrives at the train station. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are waiting there.)

People at the station
"I've had it!"

Margie: (as a person) We've got to move! We've been standing here for days!

"Me too."
"You know this is the first time we've ever agreed on something."
"Yes..."
"Well then, shall we.....?"
"Yes......"

Margie: (as a person) Yes..............

Luna: (as a person) Yes........................

Margie: There's a point where it just gets obscene.

Luna: I wonder if "...." is pronounced differently at the end of a sentence.

Margie: Hmmm.

(They snog.)

Margie: Or, as we say 'round here, "suck face".

(Cloud approaches the train and eveyone gets on.)

Luna: Cloud or the train?

Margie: That's just sick. Get in the corner.

Luna: Nyahh.

Barret
"YO!"
"Looks like this ain't no private car! So split up!"

(They meet the well-dressed Shinra manager again.)

Luna: You call that well-dressed? He looks like a card shark!

Margie: They must do a very brisk business in hair gel in Midgar.

"....hoodlums again. God, don't I just have all the luck..."

Barret
"You say sumthin'?"
"I said, 'you say sumthin'!?"

Luna: (as Barret) I said, "I said, 'you say sumthin'!?"!?

Margie: (as Barret) I said, "I said, 'I said, "you say sumthin'!?"!?'"!!

(Barret walks over to the man.)

Barret
"Yo, look at that! It got empty alluva sudden."

Margie: What did?

Luna: (as Tifa) My head? Eek, help me!

Margie: (as Cloud) Here, then I'll lend you some of the people in my head. Got plenty to go around.

"What's goin' on?"

Margie: You tell me!

"DAMN!"

Margie: (singing) I wish I was your mugger...

"I... it's empty because of... g, guys like you..."

Luna: Somehow I doubt there are tons of guys like Barret around.

(Barret smacks him.)

Margie & Luna: Hey!!

Margie: That really was unnecessary.

Luna: Yeah, that outfit merits a good hard noogie at best.

"Y, Y, YIPES!!"
"You... you've seen the news, right? AVALANCHE says there'll be more bombings."

Luna: (as Barret) Hey man, I proofread the press release, okay?

"Only devoted employees like me would go to Midgar on a day like today."

Luna: Go to Midgar? Don't they all live there already?

Margie: Well, what about the suburbs?

Luna: Midgar doesn't have suburbs!

Margie: Sure it does. You know that area on the World Map where the urban grunge fades out into the regular boring land?

Luna: Yeah...?

Margie: Suburbs.

Luna: Oh, come on.

Margie: I'm tellin' you! Look at this guy here. "Cul-de-sac" written all over him.

Luna: Well...

Barret
"You workin' for Shinra?"

Luna: Ya think?? He's called "Shinra Manager".

Margie: I bet his name actually is "Shinra Manager". Shinra Q. Manager.

Luna: Soooo, Shinra, honey, what do you wanna do when you grow up?

Margie: (as a kid, bored) Dunno. Guess I'll be a Shinra manager.

Shinra Manager
"I won't give in to violence..."

Tifa
"Barret!!"

Barret
"&$#%!! You lucky ^$#$,!"

Margie: So does that mean those are two different swear words, or is the bleeping randomized?

Luna: Free in the first 5000 packages sold - a "Magic Swearing Decoder Ring"!

Margie: Don't put Cid in your party without it!

(Barret and Tifa run to the back of the car.)

Cloud
"So, what are we going to do now?"

Luna: My guess? Blow something up.

Barret
"Shit! the hell you so calm about? you bustin up my rhythm..."

Margie: Ahhgh! We're being corrupted again!

Luna: I don't know which is worse, the swearing or the cliches.

(The train starts moving.)

Tifa
"Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving."

Cloud
"So what's our next target?"

Luna: Keep asking, Cloud, they just might answer you this time.

Barret
"Hah! Listen to Mr. Serious-about-his-work!"

Luna: Okay, somebody mentioned work, so when does the drinking start?

"Awright.... I'll tell ya!"

Luna: (as Barret) Rosebud was a sled!

Margie: (as Barret) The girl was a guy!

Luna: (as Barret) Darth Vader is Luke's father!

Margie: Really???

(Luna groans.)

"Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security check point at the top plate."
"It's an ID scan system checkin' all the trains."

Luna: Nooooo! Please don't go through that whole thing again....

Tifa
"Which Shinra is very proud of."

Barret
"We can't use our fake ID's anymore..."

Margie: (as Barret) ...so everyone can stop calling me Susie now.

Luna: (as Avalanche) Awwww....

(The train intercom comes on.)

Good Morning, and welcome to Midgar Lines. Arrival time at Sector 4 station will be 11:45.

Luna: 11:45?!? Geez, they can't get up earlier in the morning to plan the fall of the evil empire??

Margie: They're a very laid-back bunch of eco-terrorists.

Tifa
"That means we've only got three more minutes to the ID Check point."

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret
"Alright, in three minutes, we're jumpin' off this train."

Luna: (as Barret) Cloud! You're going first, so you can break our falls!

"Got it!?"

(He sits.)

Margie: For the first time in the whole game...

Luna: (as Barret) Damn, this is too calm! I should be stompin' around and yellin' at people!

Tifa
"Cloud, come over here! Let's look at the Railway Map Monitor."

Luna & Margie: Nooooooooooo!!

People on the Train
"Hmm....? You're the only ones that'll talk to me or come to my house."
"I'm impressed."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yes, I have a special understanding for the borderline-delusional.

Shinra Manager
"Waaaaah!!"
"Don... don't worry about me. (oh man, oh man, oh man...!! I'm gonna brag to everyone at work about this...)"

Luna: Except I suspect in his version it's somehow going to involve strippers.

(Cloud looks at the map with Tifa.)

Luna & Margie: Noooooooooooooooo!!

Margie: We're never going to get out of here! Don't do it, Cloud!

Tifa
"Hmm, it looks like you've seen this already..."
"It's all right. Come a little closer."

Luna: (as Cloud) I can't, your...um...things ...are in the way.

Margie: (as Tifa, cheerfully) Oh, I'll just pull the deflate valve then. No problem.

(A red light starts flashing.)

Tifa
"That's odd. The ID Check Point was supposed to be further down."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah, I didn't even.... oh, you mean the train.

Luna: Now whose mind is in the gutter??

Type A Security Alert!!!
Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted!
Repeat!! Type A Security Alert!!
Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted!

Luna & Margie: We heard you!

Tifa
"What's happening?"

Barret
"What's goin' on!!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Okay, Shinra's using these Mako Reactors, and they're sucking the life out of the planet...

Luna: (as Barret) Sit your spikey ass down and shut up.

Margie: (as Cloud) But you said....aw, man...

(Jessie rushes in.)

Jessie
"We're in trouble."
"I'll explain later. Hurry! Get to the next car!"

Barret
"^%#@%! Someone blew it..."

Unidentified passengers located in Car #1
Preparing for Lock Down

Margie: Thank you, Mr. Narrator!

Luna: I think it's the train talking.

Margie: Next on the Late Late Late Night Movie: "The Shining Time Station: Thomas Gets Tanked."

Barret
"Let's go! Keep it up!"

Margie: (as Barret) C'mon ladies! Feel the burn! Here we go! Breathe!

(They rush to the next car.)

Car #1: Locked Down
Upgrading to Level 2 warning

Margie: It has to upgrade already?

Luna: Must be run by Microsoft.

Biggs
"Hurry!"

Wedge
"They're gonna lock the door, sir!"

Unidentified passengers located in Car #2
Preparing for Lock Down

Luna: Hey, wait a second. They started at the back of the train. So how come the numbers are going up?

Margie: Shinra ingenuity at work. They hitched up the train backwards to foil would-be train thieves.

Luna: Train thieves??

Margie: Sure. They jump on the train, see "Car #1", think they're in the front, run up thinking they can beat up the engineer - and fall right off the back of the train.

Luna: Do you stay up nights thinking of this stuff?

Jessie
"Just run!"
"Changing to Plan 2!"

Margie: (as Jessie) Blow something up!

Luna: (as Wedge) Yeah! I'll get the dynamite!

(They rush to the next car.)

Car #2: Locked Down
Upgrading to Warning Level 3

(The light stops flashing.)

Luna: And, predictably, the alarm system crashes. Told you it was Microsoft.

Barret
"Awright! We clear!?"

Jessie
"Not yet. They're starting another search. If we're caught, we're done for!"
"But, don't worry. If we move up the train, car by car, we should get past it!"

(Jessie breaks her way out. Light starts flashing again.)

Unidentified Passengers:
Moving to front of Train
Currently tracking location

Luna: Tracking location? It's not like they're running across the continent here, folks.

(They reach Car #4.)

Car #4: Locked Down
Upgrading to maximum security alert!!

Luna: Maximum security! Hey, maybe the alarm system actually does something at maximum security!

(Barret runs to the front of the car.)

Barret
"All right!! We made it!"
"Yo! This way!!"

(He opens the door of the train.)

"Let's go!! We're gonna dive outta here!!"

Margie: (as Barret) Hey no, I changed my mind. Cloud, don't go first, that spikey hair of yours'd hurt. Tifa! Go first, break our falls!

Tifa
"Scary... huh."

Margie: (as Cloud) What is - Barret?

Luna: (as Cloud) The door?

Margie: (as Cloud) The lame alarm system?

Luna: (as Cloud) This entire scene?

Cloud
"Too late to be saying that now. Why'd you come along anyway?"

Tifa
"Because..."

Luna: (as Tifa) ...I'm the obligatory ditzy girl sidekick!

Barret
"Hey you two! There ain't no time for that!"

(They get ready to jump.)

Luna: After this scene, I am too.

(Jessie is disguised as a Shinra soldier)

Jessie
"It's me, Jessie. How do I look, Cloud?"
"Do I look good in a Shinra uniform?"

Cloud
"You look great, just like a man."

Luna: Whoa, whoa, Cloud, that's one thing I didn't need to know about you.

Margie: At least not until you dress up like a girl.

Luna: And then there's that thing about Sephiroth showing up in your subconscious half-naked...

Margie: But we'll cross that fence when we get to it.

Jessie
"Yay!! I'm so happy.... I think?"

Tifa
"Yeah!! I've made up my mind."

Margie: (as Tifa) My name is Tifa! Whew, glad I cleared that up.

"Watch closely. I'm gonna jump!"

(She does so.)

Margie: (as Barret) Alright! Now that we have the landing airbags set up...

Cloud
"You don't care if I go first?"

Barret
"A leader always stays till the end."
"Don't worry 'bout me, just go!"

(Cloud moves to the door.)

"Yo! Don't go gettin' your spikey-ass hurt!"
"It's only the beginnin' of the mission!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Actually, it's my head that's spikey, not my ass. That's actually quite smooth.

Luna: (as Barret) That's so sick, man. Just jump.

(Cloud jumps.)

Barret
"Later! You take care of the rest!"

(Barret jumps.)

Margie: (as Jessie, to the rest of AVALANCHE) All right, the boss is gone! Let's bolt!

Luna: (as Wedge) Costa del Sol, here we come!

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa land in an underground subway.)

Barret
"Good, so far everything's going as planned."

Margie: (as Barret) Yeah, that whole part with the alarms...I planned all of it! Um - yeah!

(He walks down a bit.)

"Better not let your guard down till we get to the Sector 5 reactor."
"Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie got everything ready for us. So MOVE it."

Luna: How does he know that?

Margie: See, all members of AVALANCHE have had telepathic microchips implanted in their heads...

"Well, the reactor's just down this tunnel!"

(They walk down the tunnel, until they reach a grid of laser beams crossing the tunnel.)

Cloud
"Those light beams are the Shinra's security sensors. We can't go any further."

Margie: (as Barret) Tifa! Stick your head in, the light beams will pass right through!

(They see a ventilation duct in the wall.)

Luna: You know, this game has more ventilation duct crawls than all the Bond movies and "Mission: Impossible" put together.

Barret
"That's one damn tiny hole. You tellin' me to squeeze into that to get under the Plate? No way!"
"Yo, Cloud, what're we gonna do?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Stand here and swear and insult each other, probably. And then blow something up.

Cloud
"Go down."

Barret
"But, damn man, that thing gives me the chills."

Margie: (as Barret, sounding not too convincing) Yeah, it's all...round...and stuff. (pause) What're you lookin' at?!?

(They climb into the duct.)

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa enter the ventilation ducts and work their way into the Reactor. Along the way they meet Wedge, Jessie and Biggs.)

Luna: Now, how Wedge fit through that duct is completely beyond me.

Margie: What if they just walked there?

Luna: Then why did Cloud, Tifa, and Barret just jump off the train and go through the duct?

Margie: Um...it's more dramatic?

Luna: See?

Wedge
"Cloud, this way. The reactor's up this ladder."

Jessie
"I'm sorry."
"The ID scan problem on the train was all my fault."
"I made your ID card special... So that's why it happened."
"I put my heart into making it. But I failed."

Margie: (as Jessie) Maybe I shouldn't have put your name down as "Mr. I. M. Cloud".

Luna: (as Wedge) So can we blow you up now?

(She shakes her head.)

Jessie
"Next time, I'll give you something more decent."

Margie: (as Cloud) So I get to actually wear clothes this time?

(Luna groans.)

"I'll be back at the hideout in the research room workin' on it."

Biggs
"We're gonna pull out now. We'll meet up at the hideout."
"Cloud, we're countin' on you to blow the reactor!"

(He exits.)

Luna: So...they took the easy way in, didn't really do much for the heroes, and then got to leave. Man, I want to be a henchman. It's so easy.

Margie: Yeah...but consider the - ahem - retirement options.

Luna: You have a point.

(The three work their way deeper until they reach the core. The screen goes red and Cloud clutches his head and falls to his knees. The scene shifts as Cloud hallucinates....)

Margie: (cupping her hands into a megaphone) Remember! Don't eat the brown Mimmett Greens!

(He sees the inside of a Mako Reactor. Gears are spinning. On the floor lies a long, thin sword. Tifa, as a younger girl, sometime between the well flashback and the present, kneels on the floor. A man lies before her, dead.)

Tifa
"Papa..."
"Sephiroth!?"

Margie: (as Tifa) My father is Sephiroth!? No, wait, that can't be it...

(She sits up.)

"Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he!?"

(She shakes her fists and looks skyward.)

"Sephiroth.... SOLDIER... Mako Reactors... Shinra... Everything!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Scriptwriters...

Margie: (as Tifa) Translators...

Luna: (as Tifa) Cloud...

Margie: (as Tifa) Nibelheim...

Luna: (as Tifa) Silicone...

Margie: (as Tifa) This hat...

(She rises; then, vehemently)

"I hate them all!"

Luna: How can you say "I hate them all!" any other way than vehemently?

Margie: Soothingly, "I hate them all!"

Luna: Cheerfully, "I hate them all!"

(She picks up the sword on the floor and runs into the reactor core.)

(Cloud comes out of his hallucination. The scene changes back to Reactor No. 5.)

Luna: Awww, just when we were having some fun.

Barret
"Damn man, get a hold of yourself!"

Margie: (as Cloud, sleepily) Which self?

(Tifa kneels by Cloud.)

Tifa
"You all right?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Well, if you don't count the blackouts, hallucinations, delusions, and attitude problems...then yeah, I'm fine.

(He rises.)

Cloud
"......Tifa."

Tifa
"Mmm?"

Luna: (as Cloud) I just realized what a dippy name that is.

Cloud
"No... forget...... Come on, let's hurry!"

(Cloud plants a bomb in the reactor. They hurry out. They reach a mechanism with three buttons.)

Luna: See? More bombs. Of course.

Tifa
"Jessie said we all have to the buttons at once."

Margie: (as Tifa) And then she muttered something about blowing things up. But I didn't quite catch that part.

(They do so. A door opens and they hurry through onto a walkway.)

Barret
"This way!"

(His way is blocked.)

"Shinra soldiers!?"
"SHIT! What the hell's goin' on?"

Margie: (as Cloud) See, there were these stars, and some green stuff, and a flower girl, and then...

Luna: (as Barret) Just shut up, all right?!

Cloud
"...a trap..."

(We hear footsteps, then, Shinra theme music.)

Luna: Yes, that wacky Shinra theme music.

Margie: (sings) Ba-da ba ba bahhh! Join us next time for "My Three Turks!"

Luna: "I Love Sephy" will be right back after these messages!

Barret
"President Shinra?"

Margie: See, this guy's name actually is Shinra.

Luna: First or last?

Margie: Hmmm, don't know. Both?

Luna: President Shinra Quincy Shinra...

Margie: (shrugs) Works for me.

Tifa
"Why is the President here?"

Margie: (stage-whispers) All-you-can-eat salad bar.

(The Shinra President walks onto the walkway, his expensive shoes echoing.)

Margie: So if the expensive shoes in our world are made in Italy, where are the game world's expensive shoes made?

Luna: You mean out of all the vast variety of cities...?

Margie: Right. ...I vote for Midgar.

Luna: Why Midgar?

Margie: It's industrialized, has a monied elite, and is close to a great source of leather.

Luna: And that is?

Margie: Zoloms.

Luna: Zoloms?

Margie: Sure. You could make a thousand pairs of shoes out of one of those babies.

Luna: ...You have a point. I think.

President Shinra
"Hmm... So you all must be that... ...what was it?"

Luna: (snobbily, as the Pres) ...Principal Cast. That's it, yes.

Barret
"AVALANCHE! And don't ya forget it! And you're President Shinra, huh?"

Margie: (snobbily, as the Pres) It's right above my dialogue - can't you read?

(Cloud steps forward.)

Cloud
"Long time no see, President."

Margie: (as the Pres) I thought they paid you to leave the country! ...Oh. You're not from that...club, are you? ...Never mind.

President Shinra
"...Long time no see? Oh... you."
"You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes..."

Luna: Mako...or anime, whichever's easier.

Margie: Or maybe he's a werewolf.

Luna: No, the werewolf doesn't come in until Nibelheim.

"Tell me, traitor... what was your name?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You mean before my "operation"?

Cloud
"Cloud."

President Shinra
"Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name."
"Unless you become another Sephiroth."
"Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..."

(Cloud steps back.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth.....?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You're Sephiroth?! No, wait, that can't be it.

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret
"Don't give a damn 'bout none of that! This place's goin' up with a big BANG soon! Serves y'all right!"

President Shinra
"And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you..."

Barret
"VERMIN? That's all you can say... VERMIN!"

Luna: (as the Pres) Actually, I said a lot more than that, if you were paying attention.

"Y'all Shinra're the VERMIN, killing the planet! And that makes you King VERMIN! So shu'up jackass!"

Margie: (as Barret) And that makes you King Jackass!

Luna: Is VERMIN one of those words that has to be capitalized? Like SOLDIER and AVALANCHE...what the heck is that all about?

Margie: LIGHT WARRIORS! Revive the power of the ORBS!

Luna: ...This is true.

President Shinra
"...You are beginning to bore me."
"I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me... I have a dinner I must attend."

Margie: (as the Pres) ...Several dinners, in fact.

(Barret runs right up to him.)

Barret
"Dinner!? Don't gimme that! I ain't even started wit' you yet!"

President Shinra
"But, I've made arrangements for a playmate for you all."

Margie: (as the Pres) Her name is Candie, and she enjoys long walks on the beach and...

Luna: (as Tifa) Heyyy!! What about me?

(President Shinra snaps his fingers...)

Tifa
"!? What's that noise?"

Margie: (as the Pres) I just snapped my fingers. Pay attention.

Luna: Now how do you pronounce "!?"

Margie: How about a really short kind of (she makes a squealy-yelp noise) "Aah!"

Luna: No, I think it's more of a... (she makes an eeky-beepy noise) "Bip!"

(Barret runs back.)

Barret
"The hell is this!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) See, the President here wants to kill us, and...

Luna: (as Barret) Shu'up!

(A huge robot buzzes in and looks menacing.)

Luna: Nothing that "buzzes" can be menacing.

President Shinra
"Meet 'Airbuster,' a techno-soldier,. Our Weapon Development Department created him."

Margie: (as Tifa, fondly) Awww, 'Airbuster' was my nickname in high school!

"I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments."

Cloud
"...Techno-soldier?"

Luna: Yeah, he wears baggy clothes, takes Ecstasy, and says all the other soldiers are sellouts.

(A helicopter hovers up to the walkway.)

President Shinra
"Now then, if you'll excuse me."

Margie: The president then eats the helicopter.

(Cloud runs forward, too late to intercept him. President Shinra boards the helicopter and flies away... leaving Cloud and the others alone with Airbuster. You can guess what comes next.)

Margie: How about a BIG SONG AND DANCE NUMBER!!

Luna: Um...no.

Margie: A touching romantic scene between Airbuster and Barret's arm?

Luna: Double no.

Cloud
"Wait, President!"

(Barret turns toward Airbuster.)

Barret
Yo, Cloud! We've gotta do somethin' about him!"

(Airbuster buzzes toward Barret and Tifa.)

Luna & Margie: Bzzzzzz.

Luna: See? It's just not menacing.

Tifa
"Help, Cloud!"

Margie: (as Tifa) Don't make me say "eeek!"

(Cloud runs in behind it.)

Tifa
"THIS is from SOLDIER?"

Cloud
"No way! It's just a machine."

Luna: Welcome to it.

(Airbuster spins.)

Barret
"I don't care what it is! I'm gonna bust him up!"

Luna: And so, Barret repeats the AVALANCHE corporate motto.

(Boss battle with Airbuster)

(Airbuster explodes, taking half the walkway with it. Cloud is left hanging from a piece of broken metal. It's a long way down.)

Barret
"It's gonna blow! Let's go, Tifa!"

Tifa
"Barret! Can't you do something?"

Luna: Why don't you do something, Tifa? Geez.

Margie: (as Tifa) 'Cause the big strong man's supposed to do the rescuing! Tee hee!

Barret
"Not a damn thing."

Tifa
"Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!"

Luna: Thus, Tifa delivers the cheesiest line in the entire game.

Cloud
"I know, Tifa......"

Barret
"Hey, you gonna be awright?"

Cloud
"Shit! Can't hold on much longer. Barret..... Hurry!"

Margie: Corruption! Again!

Luna: You know, I can see Barret swearing, but Cloud looks like a twelve-year-old. He shouldn't be saying stuff like that. It just looks weird.

Barret
"Don't go cryin' like a woman. There ain't nothin' I can do for ya. Ya gotta do it yourself."

Margie: Crying like a woman? Hoo boy, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Cloud
"Barret..."

Margie: (as Cloud, weakly) I love you, man...

Barret
"Alright, then, later."

(FMV sequence: the bomb explodes, knocking Cloud from the walkway. Tifa tries to grab him, but he is too far away. Cloud plummets from the upper plate down to the slums below.)

Luna & Margie: (as Cloud, very slowly fading away) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-aaaaaaaaa-aaaaahhhhh....

(Fade to black.)

5. Cloud Meets Aerith

(Fade up again; the hosts are facing the camera and each has a few cue-cards on her lap, turned away from view.)

Luna: (to the camera) During the course of Disc 1, it's come to our attention that in this game, certain words - like AVALANCHE - are always capitalized.

Margie: (to the camera) So we've figured out: They're acronyms.

Luna: Right. What seems like a feeble attempt at emphasis is actually an ingenious system of code. So in that spirit, we've thought of a few explanations for what these abbreviations mean.

Margie: First, SOLDIER. I've decided it actually means: (She holds up her first cue card, which spells out the same phrase that she reads aloud.) "See, Only Losers Demote Into Experimental Rabbits."

Luna: Not bad, not bad. My vote is... (she holds up her first cue card and reads it) "Swords of Obscene Length and Deeds In Every Reactor."

Margie: And AVALANCHE?

Luna: (holding up another card) "A Venture of an Agitated, Lumpy Activist Needing a Chance for His Explosions."

Margie: Or... (she holds up another cue card) "A Venerable Association Leading A National Campaign for Hideous Explosions."

Luna: Hmm...I think I see a pattern forming here.

Margie: And then there's the other major acronym in the game, which we haven't seen yet: JENOVA. I think the name was coined to describe the creature's looks: (holds up a cue card) "Jelly, Exposed Nerves, Ovoids, and Vitreous Aggregates."

Luna: And just what does that all mean?

Margie: More or less... "Yucky".

Luna: I went with more of a functional description: (holding up a cue card) "Just an Excuse for Narcissistic and Overtly Violent Acts."

Margie: Good one.

Luna: Game on?

Margie: Game on.

(Fade out, then back in to the darkened room. The game has continued.)

...You all right?
...Can you hear me?

Margie: (as the Voice) C'mon, Cloud honey, it's time for school!

Cloud
".....Yeah....."

Back then... You could get by with just skinned knees.....

Luna: (as the Voice) But now you need a good rousing decapitation to get you going in the morning.

Cloud
"What do you mean by 'back then'?"

Margie: (as the Voice) You know...before...Oh, this isn't working. I quit! I'm going back to narrate the Mako Reactor!

What about now? Can you get up?

Cloud
".....What do you mean by 'that time'? .....What about now?"

Don't worry about me. You just worry about yourself now.

Margie: You know, Cloud has an unusually supportive voice in his head.

Luna: Yeah, most psychotic voices are more in the aliens-are-coming or kill-Ronald-McDonald genres.

Margie: But not our Cloud - he's haunted by his first-grade teacher.

Cloud
".....I'll give it a try."

"Oh! He moved!"

Luna: (as Aerith) Shoot him again!!

.....How about that?
Take it slow now. Little by little.....

Margie: (as the Voice) Put...the gel...down.

"Hello, hello?"

Margie: (as Aerith) Exterminator? We have a really big one here...

Cloud
".....I know."

Margie: (as Cloud) The vague, matronly voice told me eeeeverything.

Cloud
"Hey... who are you?"

"Hello, hello!"

Margie: (as Cloud) What, what? I'm up, I'm up!

Luna: (as Aerith) Good, good. Finally, finally.

(The scene fades in to show Cloud lying in the middle of a flower patch in the floor of an old church. The Flower Girl from Midgar kneels next to him. She stands. Cloud manages to sit up.)

"You okay?"
"This is a church in the Sector 5 slums."
"You suddenly fell on top of me. You really gave me quite a scare."

Margie: (as Aerith) I was slightly surprised when you plummeted through the ceiling and plastered me face-down in the marigolds. Fortunately, I had my handy-dandy butt-kicking rod with me.

Luna: Actually, he was conscious when he hit the floor. Aerith's actually what put him in la-la land.

Margie: Aerith? I thought it was Aeris.

Luna: Aerith.

Margie: Whatever.

Cloud
"......I came crashing down?"

"The roof and the flower bed must have broken your fall. You're lucky."

Luna: Sure, sounds cushy to me.

Cloud
"Flower bed... is this yours?"

Luna: MUST you repeat everything she says?? Geez.

(He stands up and brushes his clothes off.)

Margie: Oooh la la.

Cloud
"Sorry about that."

Luna: (as Aerith) For what, the hair or the attitude?

Margie: (as Aerith) Or maybe putting a huge hole in my roof and almost killing my prizewinning begonias?

Luna: (as Aerith) Or maybe just for breathing?

Margie: (as Cloud) Ummm...all of the above? Don't hurt me!

"That's all right. The flowers here are quite resilient because this is a sacred place."
"They say you can't grow grass and flowers in Midgar."
"But for some reason, the flowers have no trouble blooming here."

Margie: (as Aerith) It's probably the weekly mulches with the pulverized remains of our enemies. Tee hee, don't tell! It's our little secret!

Luna: They say the cliches don't flow in Midgar. But for some reason they have no trouble flowing here.

"I love it here."

(She begins to tend to her flowers.)

".....So, we meet again."
"Don't you remember me?"

Luna: (as Cloud) ...Mom??

Margie: (as Cloud) ...Dad?!?

Cloud
"Never saw you before."

".....I guess you don't remember. You were walking in a daze."
"But I'll forgive you, because you bought flowers from me."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...Flowers?... You mean this isn't the mercenary agency? Shoot, I gotta go.

Luna: Wait a minute. Mercenary agency? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Margie: Heck no. Well, they lose a bit of the edgy image, but they get a great health plan.

Luna: Um...right.

"Say, do you have any materia?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Nope, ate the last one for lunch.

Cloud
"Yes, some."
"Nowadays you can find materia anywhere."

Luna: (as Cloud) At least the crappy ones.

"But mine is special. It's good for absolutely nothing."

Luna: (as Aerith) Sound familiar?

Margie: (as Cloud) I don't know what you're talking about. (coughs)

Cloud
".....good for nothing? You probably just don't know how to use it."

Luna: Wonder how many times he's used that line.

"No, I do... it just doesn't do anything."
"I feel safe just having it. It was my mother's...."

(She looks skyward.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Hi, Mom.

"Say, I feel like talking. Do you feel up to it?"
"After all, here we are meeting again, right?"

Cloud
"I don't mind."

"Wait here. I've got to check my flowers. It'll be just a minute."

(She checks her flowers.)

"Just a little longer."

Margie: (as Aerith, muttering) When will this clown get the message?...cripes, he's still here.

"Oh!"
"Now that you mention it....."

Margie: (as Aerith) You found out where my secret hideout is, so I'm going to have to kill you.

"We don't know each other's names, do we?"
"My name is...."

(The PLAYER names Aerith)

Margie: Aeris.

Luna: Aerith.

Margie: Whatever.

"I'm Aerith, the flower girl. Nice to meet you."

Margie: (as Aerith) Here's my card. Let's do lunch sometime.

Cloud
"The name's Cloud."

Luna: (as Cloud) No, really, it is. ...Please stop laughing.

"Me.....? I do a little bit of everything."

Luna: Key word here is "little bit".

Aerith
"Oh.... a jack of all trades."

Cloud
"Yeah, I do whatever's needed."

Margie: (as Cloud) And a lot of what's not needed.

Luna: (as Cloud) As long as it includes being surly and making an ass of myself, I'm your man.

(Aerith giggles.)

Cloud
"What's so funny? What are you laughing at?"

Luna: What's not to laugh at?

Aerith
"Sorry..... I just..."

Margie: (as Aerith, giggling) ...How do you get your hair to DO that?

(They turn to see a mysterious figure in the doorway of the church....)

Margie: (in a booming voice) This is God. You have an appointment for a two o'clock smiting?

Luna: (as Aerith) Sure do. Here he is, Sir. Please hurry.

Aerith
"Sorry, bad timing on my part."

Luna: (as Aerith) I'll just go and leave you two alone. Oh wait, this is my church.

(Cloud moves toward the person.)

Aerith
"Cloud! Don't let it get to you!"

(She steps back, behind Cloud.)

Aerith
"Say, Cloud. Have you ever been a bodyguard?"

Luna: (as Aerith) Oh, not a bodyguard, what's the word?...Human shield.

"You DO do everything, right?"

(Cloud smooths his hair.)

Luna: Yeah right. It'd take a backhoe to smooth that hair.

Margie: "Cloud impales his fingers on the jagged peaks of his hair. Aeris giggles."

Luna: AERITH.

Margie: Whatever.

Cloud
"Yeah, that's right."

Aerith
"Then, get me out of here. Take me home."

Margie: (singing) Take me down to the Midgar city where the grass won't grow but the girls are pretty... Oh Cloudie please take me ho-ome, yeah yeah...

Cloud
"OK, I'll do it... but it'll cost you."

Margie: (as Cloud) Got any stamps?

Aerith
"Well then, let's see......"
"How about if I go out with you once?"

(Cloud makes an affirmative nod. He confronts the person.)

Cloud
"I don't know who you are, but...."

"You don't know me.....?"

Luna: (as the mysterious figure) I'm a barber.

Margie: (as Cloud) Huh??

......I know you.

(The screen goes white, briefly)

Luna: ...accompanied by one of the most irritating sound effects in the universe.

Cloud
"Oh yeah...... I know you."
"That uniform...."

Luna: Must resist making men-in-uniform joke. Must...resist....

(Three Shinra guards run in.)

".....Hey, sis, this one's a little weird."

Margie: (as the mysterious figure) You said it, girlfriend.

Cloud
"Shut up! You Shinra spy!"

"Reno! Want him taken out?"

Margie: (as Aerith) Thanks, I've got that covered. Tee hee.

Reno
"I haven't decided yet."

Luna: (as Reno) Like the clothes, but that hair...tsk tsk.

Aerith
"Don't fight here! You'll ruin the flowers!"

(Cloud and Aerith run to the back of the church.)

Aerith
"The exit is back there."

Margie: (as Aerith) Go ahead and kill him in the back, guys.

(They exit. Reno walks forward, OVER the flower patch...)

Reno
"They were..... Mako eyes."

Margie: (as Reno) Yep, matches the driver's license. Height: 5'7". Eyes: Mako.

"Yeah, all right. Back to work, back to work."

Luna: (as a soldier) Yeah! That means more drinking!

(He exits.)

Reno
"Oh!"

(He re-enters.)

Luna: (as Reno) I forgot to kill him. Crap.

"And don't step on the flowers......"

(The three guards speak in unison)

"Hey Reno, you just stepped on them!"
"They're all ruined!"
"You're gonna catch holy hell!"

Margie: (as Aerith, from offscreen) I heard that!

(The scene changes. Cloud and Aerith in the back room of the church. It is three floors high, and a large Shinra missle apparently crashed through them all, leaving gaping holes in them. They jump past the missile and climb a broken flight of stairs, reaching a break in the walkway.)

Reno
"There they are, over there!"

(Reno comes in with the three guards.)

Luna: (as Reno) Somehow I saw them through the wall!

Aerith
"Cloud... that one!"

Margie: (as Aerith) He's hot!

Cloud
"I know... Looks like they aren't going to let us go."

Aerith
"What should we do?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Hmm, what would Barret do? Oh, blow something up. Got any dynamite?

Margie: (as Aerith) Nope, ate the last one for lunch.

Cloud
"Well we can't let them catch us, can we? Then, there's only one thing left."

Margie: (as Cloud, wailing) Waaahhhh-haaaah-haaaah!!! I want my mommy!

Luna: (as Aerith) Wimp.

(He jumps across the gap and motions for Aerith to follow.)

Cloud
"Aerith! This way!"

(She shakes her head.)

Cloud
"All right. I'll hold them off."

Luna: (as Aerith) Suuuure you will. I'll be over here loading my shotgun if you need me.

Aerith
"Right. Make sure they don't get through!"

Reno
"The Ancient is getting away! Attack! Attack! Attack!"

Luna: (as a guard) Okay! Okay! Okay!

Margie: (as another guard) Sir...maybe you should ease off on the coffee before we go on assignment?

(The guards fire at Aerith who falls from the walkway.)

Aerith
"Eaygh!!"

Margie: Ajguam!

Luna: Eueafuv!

Margie: Pwcirq!

Cloud
"Aerith!"

Luna: (as Aerith) I'm a little busy right now!

Reno
"Think we killed 'em? They shouldn't have put up a fight, I say!"

Luna: Killed them? Can he literally not see past that hair in his eyes?

Margie: (as Reno) Okay, so it renders me legally blind, but I look so damn cool!

Aerith
"Cloud, help!"

Luna: (as Cloud) You really don't know me well, do you?

Cloud
"Damn!"

(He looks up to the rafters.)

"What's that...?"

Luna: A big fat deus ex machina.

(The three guards attack Aerith. Cloud runs to the rafters and finds four barrels. He pushes them off, squashing each guard. The PLAYER controls this.)

Aerith
"Thanks, Cloud."

Luna: (as Aerith) But couldn't you just punch them out like a normal bodyguard?

(Aerith runs up to the rafters.)

Cloud
"Aerith, this way."

Luna: (as Cloud) Because I presume to know your church even better than you do.

(She follows Cloud. They find a hole in the roof of the church and jump out to the outside.)

Luna: (as Cloud, from offscreen) Hey, there's no ledg-AHHHHhhhhh...

Margie: (as Aerith, from offscreen) Tee hee! Goodbye, sucker!

6. Cloud Meets Aerith's Mom

(Fade back in on the hosts' silhouettes.)

(Cloud and Aerith are sitting on the roof of Aerith's old church.)

Margie: (as Aerith) No, really! Just jump, you'll live! I swear!

Aerith
"Ha, ha..... They're looking for me again."

Cloud
"You mean it's not the first time they've been after you?"

Aerith
"...no."

Luna: Damn paparazzi.

Cloud
"They're the Turks."

Luna: "The Turks"? Sounds like a greaser gang from the fifties.

Margie: (half-singing) When you're a Turk, you're a Turk all the way...

Aerith
"Hmmm......"

Cloud
"The Turks are an organization in Shinra. They scout for possible candidates for SOLDIER."

Luna: As opposed to definite candidates, apparently.

Aerith
"This violently? I thought they were kidnapping someone."

Cloud
"They're also involved in a lot of dirty stuff on the side."
"Spying, murder... you know."

Margie: (as Cloud) Keg parties...

Luna: (as Cloud) Grunge hair...

Aerith
"They look like it."

Cloud
"But, why're they after you? There must be a reason, right?"

Margie: (as Aerith) They're always after me lucky charms!

Luna: In some cultures, the penalty for that joke is death.

Aerith
"No, not really. I think they believe I have what it takes to be in SOLDIER!"

Luna: (as Cloud) Nah. You're way too stable.

Cloud
"Maybe you do. You want to join?"

Aerith
"I don't know... But I don't want to get caught by THOSE people!"

Luna: Who would you rather get caught by?

Cloud
"Then, let's go!"

(Aerith follows Cloud. They jump across many rooftops and pieces of debris, heading away from the church. Cloud gets far ahead of her.)

Aerith
"Wait... Wait, I said!"

(She catches up, carefully, femininely judging each gap.)

Luna: Femininely?

Margie: So...logically...you could also masculinely judge each gap?

"Puff... wheeze..."
"Slow.... down.... Don't leave me...."

Luna: (as Cloud) Man, Aerith, time to cut back on those cigarettes...

Cloud
"Funny..."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...I thought I was the whiniest person in the game.

"I thought you were cut out to be in SOLDIER?"

Aerith
"Oh! You're terrible!"

(Cloud laughs.)

Margie: (cheerfully, as Cloud) Why, yes I am! I'm the embodiment of all evil! How'd you know?

Aerith
"Hey.... Cloud. Were you ever in SOLDIER?"

Cloud
"....."
"...I used to be. How did you guess?"

Luna: Um, let's see. Perhaps the unnecessarily huge sword tipped her off?

Aerith
"...Your eyes. They have a strange glow..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Oh, yeah, Sephiroth started a line of contact lens solutions, too. Nifty, huh? After six months you can see in the dark!

Cloud
"That's the sign of those who have been infused with Mako..."
"A mark of SOLDIER."
"But, how did you know about that?"

Luna: (as Aerith) Look, stupid, I'm the required Final Fantasy Mysterious Psychic Girl™. Sheesh.

Aerith
"........Oh, nothing."

Margie: (singing) No-thiiiiing, woo woo...

Cloud
"Nothing....?"

Margie: Nothing, tra la la?!

Aerith
"Right, nothing!"
"Come on, let's go! Bodyguard!"

Luna: She says that like it's an insult.

Margie: (venomously) You...you...bodyguard!

(Cloud continues across the rooftops. Aerith follows, more closely.)

Margie: (singing) And Iiiiiiiiii-eeeee-iiiii will always looooove youuuu-uuuu...

(Cloud and Aerith hop down from the rooftops across pieces of debris. They land on a dirt road)

Aerith
"Whew! Finally made it off! Now what..."

(She looks around, then scampers forward)

Luna: Scampers? Oh, how dignified.

"My house is over here. Let's hurry before they get here!"

Margie: (as Aerith) We have to put up the decorations! Oh, and the razor wire! Tee hee!

(Cloud and Aerith travel through the Sector 5 slums to Aerith's small cottage. They go inside.)

Aerith
"I'm home, mom."

Luna: (as Elmyra) I told you never to come back here!

(Her mother, Elmyra, walks over.)

"This is Cloud, my bodyguard."

Elmyra
"Bodyguard.....? You mean you were followed again!?"
"Are you all right!? You're not hurt, are you!?"

Aerith
"I'm all right. I had Cloud with me."

Luna: (as Elmyra) Then it really is a wonder you weren't caught, honey!

(Elmyra nods.)

Elmyra
"Thank you, Cloud."

(She goes upstairs.)

Aerith
"So, what are you going to do now?"

Luna: Say something snotty and overstay his welcome. Aren't you paying attention?

Cloud
"...Is Sector 7 far from here? I want to go to Tifa's bar."

Aerith
"Is Tifa...... a girl?"

Luna: (as Cloud) She's more like a Karate Kid Barbie brought hideously to life...

Cloud
"Yeah."

Aerith
"A girl... friend?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You really don't know me well, do you?

Cloud
"Girlfriend?"

Luna: Trust me, Cloud doesn't know the meaning of the word.

Cloud
"No way!"

(Cloud shakes his head quickly.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Girls have cooties! And stuff!

Aerith
"Hee hee hee...."
"You don't have to get THAT upset..."

(She moves toward Cloud... a small step.)

Aerith
"Well, that's... nice."

Luna: Gee, that sounded sincere...

"Let's see, Sector 7? I'll show you the way."

Cloud
"You gotta be kidding. Why do you want to put yourself in danger again?"

Aerith
"I'm used to it."

Margie: (as Aerith) What with the skydiving...

Luna: (as Aerith) ...and the bullfighting...

Margie: (as Aerith) ...And then there's my "extra" job on weekends. That reminds me, I have to get my uniform back from the cleaner's... Leather is so hard to maintain....

Luna: I think I'm going to be sick.

Margie: Was that you or Cloud?

Luna: Both of us.

Cloud
"Used to it!?"
"....Well, don't know... getting help from a girl..."

Margie: (as Cloud) I haven't had my cootie vaccination booster yet this year. Euuuuw.

(She makes an amusedly angry gesture.)

Luna: Amusedly angry? The fake adverbs are flying in this section!

Aerith
"A girl!! What do you mean by that!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You know, two X chromosomes, produces more estrogen than testosterone...

Luna: (as Cloud) ...but scratch that second one, I think I do that too.

"You expect me to just sit by and listen, after hearing you say something like that!?"

(She calls upstairs.)

"Mom! I'm taking Cloud to Sector 7. I'll be back in a while."

(Elmyra comes downstairs.)

Margie: (as Elmyra) Okay, honey, here's my semiauto. Have fun!

Elmyra
"But dear... I give up. You never listen once you've made up your mind."

Luna: That's it, Mom, put your foot down.

Margie: (as Elmyra) I told you grenades couldn't be farmed, and look where that led!

"But if you must go, why don't you go tomorrow? It's getting late now."

Aerith
"Yeah, you're right, mom."

Luna: Errrrr...didn't she say Aerith never listened once she... ahh never mind.

Elmyra
"Aerith, please go and make the bed."

Margie: (as Cloud) THE bed?!? Woo baby!

(Aerith goes upstairs. Cloud speaks to Elmyra.)

Elmyra
"That glow in your eyes... you're from SOLDIER, right?"

Luna: Wait, it says Cloud speaks to Elmyra.

Margie: "Cloud and Elmyra leave their bodies, then possess each other. Elmyra/Cloud speaks to Cloud/Elmyra."

Luna: Though that would explain a lot of Cloud's - ahem - tendencies...

Cloud
"Yeah. Rather I used to be..."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...but then I had "the operation".

Elmyra
"....I don't know how to say this, but..."

Luna: (as Elmyra) Son, your hair is ridiculous.

Margie: (as Elmyra, in a deep breathy voice) Clouuuuud...I am your mother...

Luna: (as Elmyra) I'm pregnant.

Margie: (as Elmyra) Aerith...isn't like other "girls", if you get my meaning...

"Would you please leave here, tonight? Without telling Aerith."

Margie: (as Elmyra) In fact, don't even tell me. Whoops, too late.

(Cloud goes upstairs. Aerith meets him.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Just ignore the straps on the walls, they're mine. And don't touch anything!

Aerith
"You need to go through Sector 6 to get to Sector 7. Sector 6 is a little dangerous so you'd better get some rest tonight."

(Cloud walks toward the bedroom door.)

Aerith
"Cloud...."

Luna: (as Aerith) Do you realize how dumb that name is?

Margie: (as Aerith) If you hear barking in the middle of the night, it's just me. Don't worry about it.

(He turns to her.)

Aerith
"Good night."

(She goes downstairs.)

Cloud
"Oh, man..."

Margie: (as Cloud) I could've...but...the cooties...I'm so confused.

(Cloud goes to bed. He dreams, we presume.)

"...seem pretty tired......"

Cloud
".......!?"

"I haven't slept in a bed like this ....in a long time."

Luna: You know, lying down and all.

Cloud
"....Oh, yeah."

"Ever since that time."

(The scene fades in. Cloud is lying on a bed in a one-room house. A woman is in the room, working in the kitchen area. She stops and walks toward him.)

Margie: (as Cloud) "Dear Penthouse, I never thought stories like this actually happened..."

Luna: You know, your time in the perversion corner is coming very, very soon.

"My, how you've grown."
"I'll bet the girls never leave you alone."

Cloud
"...Not really."

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, they won't stop laughing at me. Does that count?

(She paces a bit.)

"...I'm worried about you."
"There are a lot of temptations in the city..."

Margie: (as Cloud's mom) Girls.

Luna: (as Cloud's mom) Rock music.

Margie: (as Cloud's mom) Slow dancing!

"I'd feel a lot better if you just settled down and had a nice girlfriend."

Luna: (as Cloud's mom) Um, but don't marry her or anything. I guess.

Cloud
"...I'm all right."

"You should have..."

Margie: (as Cloud's mom) ...a spine transplant. And an attitude adjustment.

Luna: (as Cloud's mom) And a haircut wouldn't hurt either.

"an older girlfriend, one that'll take care of you."
"I think that would be the perfect type for you."

Luna: (as Cloud) Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.

Cloud
"I'm not interested."

Luna: In more ways than you know.

(The scene fades back in. Cloud is lying on a bed on the second floor of Aerith's house. Aerith is in the next room.)

Cloud
"...I must've fallen asleep."

Luna: A brilliant observation, sir.

(He gets up.)

Cloud
"Sector 7's past Sector 6... I should be all right by myself..."

(He sneaks past Aerith's room and goes downstairs. He exits the house, leaving Aerith behind.)

Margie: (as Cloud, miserably) Aeriiiith... I'm looooost...

7. The Playground

(On the way out of the city, Cloud runs into Aerith. He looks startled.)

Margie: (as Cloud) How many of you are there!?

Aerith
"You're up bright and early."

Cloud
"How could I ask you to go along when I knew it would be dangerous?"

Margie: (as Cloud) At least when I'm not compensating you for it, wink wink.

Luna: (as Aerith) I have no idea what you're talking about, sir... (coughs)

Aerith
"Are you done?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Why do girls keep asking me that?!?

Luna: (as Aerith) You wish, dork boy.

(Cloud smooths his hair.)

Luna: And then he achieves world peace.

"You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's 7th Heaven."
"I'll take you there. Come on!"

(Aerith runs out. Cloud follows. They cross a highway that has been more or less demolished until they reach an old playground.)

Luna: Is it possible to be "more or less demolished"?

Margie: How about "slightly decimated"?

Luna: Or "faintly destroyed"?

Margie: I'm going for "vaguely obliterated".

Aerith
"The gate to Sector 7's in there."

Cloud
"Thanks. I guess this is goodbye. You gonna be all right going home?"

Luna: (sighs) Cloud, Cloud. When will you learn? The girl has a unique sprite; she's not going anywhere yet.

Aerith
"Oh no! 'Whatever will I do!?' ...isn't that what you want me to say?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Actually, I've always been more partial to "Eeek! Help me!"

Cloud
(Take her to Sector 7)

Aerith
"I could do that. But won't I be in your way?"

Luna: First of all, he didn't say anything...

Margie: Crono alert!

Cloud
"What do you mean in the way?"

Luna: (as Cloud) You could take bullets for me that way. That's good.

Aerith
"Nothing!"

(Aerith puts her hands behind her back and looks up at Cloud.)

Aerith
"Can we take a break?"

Margie: (as Aerith) I am dying for a cig...tee hee!

(She walks to a large, moogle-shaped children's slide.)

Aerith
"I can't believe it's still here."

Luna: (as Aerith) Yep...carved in years ago... "Aer + Sephy 4ever!!!!" (sighs)

(She climbs to the top)

"Cloud, get over here!"

Margie: (as Cloud, yelps) Yes, master!

(He climbs up and sits beside her.)

Aerith
"What rank were you?"

Luna: "Very" is my guess.

Cloud
"Rank?"

Aerith
"You know, in SOLDIER."

Cloud
"Oh, I was..."

(The screen goes solid white, briefly.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Owwww! Look, am I a clone or a laboratory rat? Stop electrocuting me!

"First Class."

Aerith
"Just the same as him."

Cloud
"The same as who?"

Aerith
"My first boyfriend."

Luna: (as Aerith) Or victim, whatever you want to call it.

Cloud
"You were... serious?"

Margie: Nudge nudge.

Aerith
"No. But I liked him for a while."

Margie: (as Aerith) And then he forgot our anniversary. So of course he had to die.

Cloud
"I probably knew him. What was his name?"

(Aerith shakes her head.)

Luna: (as Aerith) Nope. Can't remember for the life of me.

Aerith
"It doesn't really matter."

Luna: (as Aerith) You're all pigs anyway. Tee hee!

(A huge gate opens in the back. A large carriage drawn by a chocobo comes out. A woman is riding in the back.)

Cloud
"Huh? Hey, back there....."

Margie: (as Cloud) That dress was fabulous!

(He stands up)

Cloud
"Tifa!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) No, wait, Tifa doesn't have feathers...

(The carriage drives out and the gate closes.)

Aerith
"That girl in the cart was Tifa? Where was she going? She looked kind of odd..."

Luna: Yeah, imagine Tifa dressed like a slut. Bizarre.

(She hops down and chases the cart.)

Cloud
"Wait!"
"I'll go on alone! You go home!"

Luna: Bad Ancient! Bad! Go lay down!

(She doesn't listen. She chases the carriage offscreen. Cloud shakes his head and goes after her.)

8. Wall Market: Cloud's Feminine Side, part I

(Cloud and Aerith arrive in Wall Market, busy with the hustle and bustle of people. Aerith runs around, checking things out.)

Aerith
"This place is scary in a lot of ways. Especially for a girl. So we've got to find Tifa fast."

Margie: (as Aerith) ...and stop her reign of terror.

(Cloud and Aerith meet the doorman outside of Don Corneo's mansion.)

"This is the mansion of Don Corneo, the most powerful man in Wall Market."
"Look, the Don's not into men. So don't let me catch you around here again..."

Margie: (as the doorman) But that blond girl there can come back anytime! Heh heh heh!

"Hey, and you got another cute one with you!"

Luna: "Another"...?

Margie: Is there something about Aeris that we should know...?

Luna: Aerith.

Margie: Whatever.

(Aerith pulls Cloud aside.)

Aerith
"Hey, this looks like the Don's mansion. I'll go take a look."
"I'll tell Tifa about you."

Cloud
"No!! You can't!!"

Aerith
"Why?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Hello? Mansion full of beautiful love-starved women? I'm going in, so get outta my way!

Luna: (as Aerith) Dream on, spikey.

Cloud
"You DO know... what kind of... place this is, don't you?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Reproduction Colonial with fluted columns and a central-atrium design! (shudders)

Aerith
"Then, what am I supposed to do? You want to go in with me?"

Cloud
"Well being a man, that'll be pretty hard. Besides if I bust in there, it'll cause too much commotion."

(Aerith is giggling.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Being a man? That's the loosest I've ever heard that term used...

Cloud
"But, I just can't let you go in alone... Oh, man......"
"First, we'll need to find out if Tifa's alright...."
"What's so funny, Aerith?"

Luna: (as Aerith) Funny about you? Where do I start?

Aerith
"Cloud, why don't you dress up like a girl? It's the only way."

Cloud
"WHAT!?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Why do people keep telling me that?!

Margie: Now that one I almost believe.

(Aerith speaks to the doorman.)

Aerith
"Just wait. I've got a cute friend I want to bring."

Cloud
"Aerith! I can't....."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...I didn't bring my makeup kit with me! I'm a fright!

Aerith
"You ARE worried about Tifa, aren't you? Then come on, hurry!"

[Sequence of events follows, in which Cloud gets various feminine items.]

Luna: And embarrasses the hell out of himself.

Margie: It's fun!

(They go to the dress shop and speak to the clerk.)

Aerith
"Excuse me! I'd like to get a dress."

"Umm, it might take a little time. Will that be all right?"

Aerith
"What's the problem?"

"Well, my father, the owner, has been in a slump lately. You see, he makes all the dresses."

Margie: (as the clerk) But nothing has fit him lately. He's so depressed.

Aerith
"And, where is your father?"

"He's probably plastered at the bar."

Luna: See?! Work and drinking! Again!

Margie: I think a certain team of scriptwriters needed a good vacation...

Aerith
"So... You're saying we can't get a dress unless we do something about your father?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. He's caused so much trouble."
"!"

Luna: Bids are now open on how this is pronounced.

Margie: I'll wager a hundred on "Eee!"

Luna: I'm putting fifty on "Bink!" and fifty on "Erk!"

Margie: Going once, going twice...

"You'd help me bring him back?"

Aerith
"Well, if don't do something, we don't get a dress, right?"

"Really!? Please help my crazy old dad. I just don't know what to do anymore...."

Luna: Stop calling him your "crazy old dad", would be my first guess.

Aerith
"All right, we'll do something. Let's go, Cloud!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Yes ma'am!

(They head to the bar and speak to a man seated at the bar.)

Aerith
"Excuse us, are you the father of the girl at the Clothing Store?"

"I own the Clothes Shop... but I ain't your father."

Margie: (in a deep voice) Luke...I ain't your father...

Aerith
"I didn't say that...."

Cloud
"Make me some clothes."

Margie: (as Cloud, uncomfortably) Cute ones.

"I don't make men's clothes. And I don't feel like makin' anything right now."

Aerith
"Cloud, you wait over there for a second. I'll try and talk to him."
"Why don't you go over there and have something to drink."

Luna: (as Aerith) And no dancing on the bar this time!

(He does so.)

Aerith
"You know, mister."

Margie: (as Aerith) The human head weighs eight pounds.

"He always said that just once, he'd like to dress up as a girl."

Luna: (as Aerith) ...for free.

"So, that's why I wanted a cute dress for him..."

"What!? A tough lookin guy like that?"

Margie: (as the tailor) He doesn't have the hips for it!

Luna: (as Cloud) Hey!! I'm offended.

Aerith
"So, how 'bout it? Will you make him one?"

"...might be interesting. I was gettin' a little bored just makin' regular clothes."

Luna: And the difference is...?

Margie: You know, umm...manly women's clothes. I think.

Aerith
"Then you'll do it for us?"

"Yeah, all right. What kind of dress you want?"

Aerith
"Something..."

(You get to choose what kind of dress you get here. If you make these choices, you will get the Silk Dress, the sexiest dress. Any other combination will get you a non-sexy dress.)

Luna: Trust me, ANY combination will get you a non-sexy dress.

Aerith
"That feels soft."

Aerith
"And something...."

Margie: (as Aerith) Moist.

Luna: (as Aerith) Furry.

Margie: (as Aerith) Blinking.

Luna: (as Aerith) Cracked.

Margie: (as Aerith) Purple.

Aerith
"...that shimmers."

"Hmm, got it. Y'know I got a friend that has the same taste as him. I'll go talk to him."

Luna: (as the tailor) Who knows, man, maybe you can get a date out of it.

(They return to the Dress Shop and speak to the owner.)

"Oh, you're here. It's ready. Go try it on."

(They receive the Silk Dress. Cloud looks like he is dreading this. He steps into the dressing booth and we hear scuffling sounds.)

Luna: He looks like he's dreading this? His face doesn't move, you know.

Margie: His very hair seems to dread this.

Cloud
"How... do you put this thing on?"

(Aerith looks inside.)

Cloud
"Whoa! What are you doing!"

Luna: (as Aerith) Scarring myself for life.

Aerith
"It's still not right. A wig! That's what you need!"

(She speaks to the owner.)

Luna: (as Aerith) Come on, keep him. He'll make a great mannequin. Please?!

"Umm, I thought you might, so I talked to my friend about getting one."
"You know the gym? You'll find a lot of people there like you. Go and talk to them."

Margie: A whole gym full of smart-alecky, delusional bantamweights with bad hair?

Luna: Horrifying.

(Cloud comes out of the dressing booth, in his normal clothes.)

Luna: Define "normal".

Cloud
"...'like you'? Aerith, what did you tell him?"

Aerith
"Does it matter? Anyhow, we got a pretty dress!"

Luna: And thus, Aerith reveals her detailed philosophy of life.

(They travel to the gym and speak to the man watching the squat-thrust match. We can only assume it is a man; he appears to be wearing women's clothes.)

"You the one.... Who wants to be cute?"

Cloud
"Cute?"

Margie: (as Cloud) I'll have you know I want to be adorable!

Aerith
"Right."
"And about the wig..."

Luna: (as Aerith) How are we going to fit it over that hair?!

"Yeah, I heard. But it'll cost ya."

Margie: (as the Beautiful Bro) You get rid of that middy jacket. And we get to shave Spiky's head.

(A guy stops working out and comes over.)

"Urrrrgh!!!"
"Big Bro!! The only way you're gonna get cuter is if you can beat the Big Bro!!"

(The people doing squat thrusts jump out of the ring.)

Luna: (as squat-thrusters) Get him!!

"That's right!"
"So, you've got to compete with us!"

"You're right. Let's do squats."

"All right! We'll beat you out of this gym!"

Cloud
"Are you...?"

Luna: (as Cloud) ...single?

Aerith
"THE beautiful Bro?"

(The "Beautful" Bro speaks.)

"What? You didn't know? Always running around here saying Big Bro' this, Big Bro' that...."
"Never mind that, come over here."

(The squat thruster steps forward.)

"No. I'll explain the rules."

Luna: No? Huh?

"From the ready position, push Square button to squat, push X Button to get up, and push O Button to go back to the ready position."
"So it's Square Button, X Button, O Button in that order."
"Got it?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Um...dude...buttons? How about I just squat and stand up?

Cloud
"Got it."

"Whoever has the most squats at the end of 30 seconds gets the wig."
"I'm not going to lose."
"Big Bro's wig is MINE!!"

Luna: And this is a valuable commodity because...?

"Just be quiet..."
"It's not fair for you to start right away. So, you want practice?"

Margie and Luna: (flatly) No.

"Now let's begin the real thing. Start!"

Luna: All players now having horrific flashbacks to grade school gym class, please raise your hands. (Both hosts raise their hands)

(Cloud and Work-Out Boy do squats for 30 seconds.)

Margie: (majestically) Work-Out Boy! Sidekick to the legendary Squat Thrust Man!

Luna: (majestically) WATCH Squat Thrust Man save an entire galaxy from terminal butt-spread!

Margie: (majestically) THRILL as Work-Out Boy is kidnapped by the evil Dr. Munchie!

Luna: (majestically) TUNE IN for The Carbo-Loading Adventures of Squat Thrust Man! Same sweaty time, same sweaty channel!

"He had 17 squats and you had 20 squats."

"You're really something. Okay, I'm a man of my word, here you are."

(He gives Cloud the Blonde Wig- the sexiest wig.)

Luna: Again, the word "sexiest" is not meant to imply any actual sexiness. In the case of actual sexiness, the rating of the game would increase exponentially, and thousands of male gamers would become scarred for life.

Big Bro
'I'm so mad I'm so so so--- mad!"

(Beautiful Bro punches him across the room.)

Margie: Ha ha, beat up by a girl!

Luna: Uh...Marge...that's... (pause) Never mind.

"Shut up! Don't cry just because you lost!"

"Uuuhh, Bro's fists of steel cut to the bone!"

Margie: New on home video: Bro's Fists of Steel! Work out with the best, the strongest, and the cutest!

Luna: Coming soon: Tifa's Chest of Steel!

Margie: Also in your local video store, check out our classics, Cid's Mouth of Steel and Cloud's Hair of Steel!

Luna: Do not start an exercise program without consulting your doctor or psychic demigodlike figure. Actual results may vary.

(Everyone administers first aid to Big Bro.)

[These are the only two events you need to do. The rest are optional.]

Margie: Do we continue?

Luna: Another half-hour of humiliating Cloud? Hell yes!

Margie: Yay!

(Cloud and Aerith go to the Materia shop and speak to the owner.)

"Hey man. Got a minute? I need to talk... man to man."

Luna: You have definitely come to the wrong place.

Cloud
"What is it?"

"Really! I really appreciate it."
"......I'm sorry but, young lady? Would you turn the other way, for a second?"

Aerith
"Why.....?"

Margie: (as Materia seller) 'Cause, you know, your ears only work in one direction. I guess.

Cloud
"......Aerith."

Margie: (as Cloud) That's what her name is! Man, I've been trying to remember that since Sector 5.

Aerith
"Gosh!"

(She turns.)

"I'm sorry, lady."
"Now here's the thing. Do you know that vending machine in the inn?"
"I'm itchin' to know what they're selling in it. I just can't ask a girl to go get it."

Margie: (as Materia seller) You know, man. Cooties.

Luna: (as Cloud) Ohhhh, I hear ya.

"What? Why don't I buy it myself? Well to tell you the truth, I got in a fight with the guy at the inn and can't go there anymore. Come on, so how 'bout it?"

Cloud
"I'll go."

"Good, thanks. I'll be waitin' here when you're done."

Aerith
"Finished?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Geez. You know, I'm starting to see why Zack ran away to join SOLDIER.

(They go to the inn and get a room there. Late that night, Cloud gets out of bed and goes to the vending machine in the hallway.)

Cloud
"He means this?"

(He drops in the money. The next morning they go back to the Materia shop)

Cloud
"I got it."

Luna: Trust me, Cloud, you don't.

"Oh, really!! Hey!"

Margie: (as Materia seller) You! Get offa my Cloud!

Aerith
"Geez."

(She turns.)

"And, what was it?"

(Cloud hands it to him.)

Margie: It's invisible, of course. Just trust us on this one.

"A protein drink set. That jerk. I'm gonna do so much more business than him, his head'll spin."

Margie: A protein drink set?!

Luna: They really have some weird euphemisms in Japan...

"Thanks, bud. I'm motivated now. Take this, it's not much..."

(He gives Cloud a Diamond Tiara.)

[Buying a cheaper ??? at the Inn will result in a non-sexy Tiara]

Luna: "Non-sexy tiara" doesn't really narrow it down much.

Margie: "Oooh, baby, is that a tiara I see? Yow!"

(Cloud and Aerith go to the Honeybee Inn. A guy on the path there gives them a members Card. They speak to the bouncer.)

"Hey! Is that a 'Member's Card' I see shining in your hot little hand?"

Luna: (as the bouncer) Or, shall I say, your hot little cube?

"Please, come in."

(Aerith waits outside. All the men around the Inn grovel to her...)

Cloud
"...Hmm. That's how you'll fool them."

Margie: What?!

Aerith
"......Hmmmmmmmmm. So that's how you fooled them."

Margie & Luna: What?!

Margie: Are they speaking in code?

Cloud
"Let's go!!"

(He goes inside. A girl comes up to him.)

Luna: For the first time in his life.

"Poo, I uh, mean, Sir..."
"Hurry..."
"Please choose a room. (Gosh, he's so weird... but then again, they all are.)"

(Cloud ducks into the dressing room for the Honeybees and speaks to them. Repeatedly.)

"Hmm, hmm, hmm....."
"Ohhh, I just can't seem to lose weight. Hmm, hmm, hmm..."

Margie: It's the sad fate of those who live next to the only restaurant in the entire world.

"Sir!! You can't come in here."
"(Yuk..... a pervert...)"

Luna: A pervert in a brothel! Imagine!

"Eyaah!"
"Don't!"

"Paste, paste, paste....."
"(Oh God... here's another one of those guys. You know, the delicate type. Just ignore him, just ignore him.)"

Luna: The delicate type?! Riiiiight, I can see Cloud writing poetry and listening to Jewel...

"Fluff, fluff, fluff..."
"(Hmm! I guess he doesn't realize his position. I feel sorry for him. Just ignore him, just ignore him.)"
"Pita, pita, pita...."

Margie: See? Knocking back all those pitas - no wonder you can't lose weight.

"(God, what a pest! All right, get out of here! You dog...)"
"(That's it, I'll name him 'pooch'.)"
"Mix, mix, mix...."

Margie: Then again, the cakes might have something to do with it...

"(What should I do... Is he following me? Really? What if he follows me home...?)"
"(Poochy'll do it, I'm sure of it...)"
"Shake, shake, shake..."

Margie: (singing, with disco points) ...shake your booo-tay!

Luna: You're so lucky I let you live after that one.

"(You think he's after me? Really? This guy makes me sick... And his eyes are weird too....)"

Luna: Ooooh trust me sister, his eyes are not the problem.

"(Yeah, don't hurt these guys' feelings. Let's at least say 'hi' to him."
"Uhh.... Hel... Hello."
"What a nice day, today."

Cloud
"Whatever..."

Margie: (as a Square developer) Hey, that's catchy. Why don't we base an entire character off that line next time?

Luna: (as a Square developer, doubtfully) I don't know...

Margie: (as a Square developer) We'll throw in some gratuitous underpants. It'll sell.

Luna: (as a Square developer) You have a point.

"Oh my!! Are you embarrassed? (Man!! Why are you so moody...)"

Luna: (as Cloud) I'm a Final Fantasy hero. Of course I'm moody.

"Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm......... hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm... hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm..."

Margie: (as a bee girl) And then it goes into the bridge. Whaddya think?

Luna: (as a bee girl) Bambi...don't quit your day job.

"Phew... ...it's so tiring."

Margie: Primpin' ain't easy.

"Oh!!"
"Is something the matter?"

Cloud
"......Not really."

"Hmph...!! Listen you, not that it matters, but you sure do know how to make people mad."

Luna: And nauseous.

(Cloud exits the dressing room. He takes a peek through the keyholes of some occupied doors. Behind the first one, The Lovers Room....)

Cloud
"....Woooo...ow!"

(He sees a Grandpa and Grandma....)

"...wheez...."
"Phew...."

"What's wrong, Grandpa? You keep sighing."

"...wheez... puff... You know, Grandma..."

Margie: (as Grandpa) I've been hiding my double life of crime and fast women from you, dear.

"You talking about this room?"

"...whew... I know our son rented this for us and all, but...."

Margie: (as Grandpa) ...did he have to stay and watch?

"It's too nice for us. Big round bed, gorgeous tub, I just can't get comfortable."

Margie: (as Grandma) Dear, the tub is round. Put on your glasses. And get off the chandelier!

"Don't worry about it. It's a high class neighborhood, in the Big City."
"You keep complainin' and we'll get into trouble."

"...wheez..."

(Behind the other door, The Queen's Room...)

Cloud
"...Wooo...ow!"

Luna: Does Cloud like this stuff? 'Cause I'm getting a little disturbed.

(Lightning flashes... a guy in a tub... another standing... one is dressed as a king.)

...The wind's calm now....
It's the curse of the resurrected Satan... Our beloved Queen does not awaken...

Luna: Somebody's been reading a little too much Tolkien.

The time is ripe...
A legend has been passed on through generations...

"Psst... (Hey, shouldn't we stop him soon?)"

"...whisper... whisper... (We have a luncheon with President Shinra...)"

"Psst..... (You tell him.....)"

"Psst.... (I can't tell him........)"

Margie: (as the President) I can hear you, you know...try actually whispering next time instead of just saying "whisper, whisper".

"Psst.... (Come on!! Oh, well....)"

A legend has been passed on through generations....
.....the sought after Promised Land....

"Psst.... (I'm so disgusted with the President.)"

....One with Blue Eyes....

Margie: Frank Sinatra?!

"Psst....(It's like this every time we have a business trip to Midgar.)"

.....and a Great White Sword on his back.....

Luna: (as Cloud) ME?!?

Margie: What?! Great white sw... Ewwwww!

Luna: Yep. Sephiroth does not carry his sword on his back, my friend. Besides, he has green eyes, not blue. Face it...

Margie: Don't say it!

Luna: (smugly) The President has a Cloud fetish.

Margie: I think I'm going to throw up.

"(We come all the way to Midgar, just for this....)"

Luna: Whoa, wait. Shinra is in Midgar. What do you mean, to Midgar?

.... Will not lead to the Promised Land.....

"Psst.... (What're you complaining about. You're just holding the lights. I've gotta wear this heavy armor!)"

"Psst.... (I know, I know... but it's all part of the job.)"

Margie: (as a flunky) "Executive Love Slave", said so right on the application.

"Psst.... (Oh yeah, did you hear? The President's wife found out about this little hobby of his.)"

Margie: (as a flunky) Psst... (Why do we keep saying "psst"?)

Luna: (as a flunky) Psst... (I have no idea. Why are we speaking in parentheses?)

"Psst... (Ha, ha.... No way, that's the first I've heard of it.)"

"Psst... (Oh, looks like he's done. Man, I'm glad!!)"

"Geez!! Mr. Prseident!! I mean, Your Majesty..."

(Smacking sounds.)

"Ohhh... I'm sorry. Please remove the ancient curse!"

Luna: (as a flunky) Or our faces will remain static for untold centuries to come!

(Cloud stops peeking and chooses a room.)

(If you choose The Group Room...)

Luna: And if you know what's good for you, you will...

Margie: But they have a neat flashback-y thing in the other room.

Luna: Listen. Hot tub plus eight sweaty men equals the most humiliating experience in Cloud's life. Group Room. Now.

Cloud
"I'll take this room."

"All right, Now all we have to do is enter the room."
"You're not going to have a change of heart, are you?"

Cloud
"Don't make me repeat myself."

"Oh, don't be angry with me.... (Geez.... this one' probably the violent type....)"

Luna: Violent, yes. Dangerous, no.

"All right, please."

(Cloud enters. The Honeybee closes and locks the door behind them.)

Margie: (as the bee girl) GET HIM!

"This way, please."
"Shall we begin?"
"I guess since you chose this room, that would mean you..."

Margie: (as the bee girl) Bat for both teams?

Luna: (as the bee girl) Have a thing for big weird men with even weirder names?

Margie: (as the bee girl) Or have no idea what the heck you're doing.

Luna: Not like that's unusual.

"Hate being lonely?"

Cloud
"I'm always alone."

Luna: Somehow, I can see why.

"All right, all right. (...geez, you're so moody!)"

Luna: (as Cloud) But after me shall come another, whose moodiness shall far surpass mine...

"Come on, everyone's waiting."

Cloud
"What am I doing?"

Luna: Amusing us, of course.

(There is knocking on the door.)

"Here they are."
"All right, everyone."
"One, two! One, two!"

(Seven or eight men clad in Spandex stampede in....)

Luna: And you'd think that wouldn't make me nauseous...

"Yeah!!"

"One, two!! One, two!!"

Muuki
"Wassup!!"
"(Smile, smile, smile...)"

Cloud
"Oh man..."
"What should I do...?"

Margie: (as Cloud) They're all so cute!

Cloud
"Looks like I'm going to be facing crises all my life..."

Mukki
"...heave... pant..."
"Don't be so embarrassed! Loosen up, bubby!"
"...heave... pant..."
"Let's wash off all our sweat and dirt together!"

"Wassup!!"

Luna: This scene barely needs us.

Margie: I know. I feel so inadequate.

(They all move in towards Cloud. The camera pans up to the ceiling so that just the tops of their heads are showing.)

Mukki
"Bubby! You're the intimate type, huh!!"

Luna: Let's see: so far Cloud is the delicate, violent, intimate type. So basically, he's Tori Amos.

Margie: I knew it!

(Sounds of clothes being removed...)

Mukki
"...heave... pant... Wow!! Would ya look at that!"

Margie: I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT!

Luna: (croaks) I think I'm going to be sick.

Margie: (likewise) Could you pass the bucket to me when you're done?

(They all climb into the tub.)

Mukki
"Isn't bathing great...?"

Luna: (as Cloud) What is this "bathing" you speak of?

"It soothes your heart."
"How is it, bubby!?"
"Feels good, huh?"

Cloud
"I don't feel good. Let me out..."

Margie: (miserably, as Cloud) What if the water gets to my hair?

Mukki
"You'll get used to it. Try counting to ten."

Cloud
"Ten..."

Luna: He said to ten, dufus.

"Nine..."

Mukki
"Hey bubby, how old are you?"

Cloud
"Eight..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Mentally...

"Twenty one..."

Mukki
"You're less than half my age. I'm so jealous."
"So how 'bout it...?"
"Do you wanna join my "Young bubby's" group?"

Cloud
"........"

Cloud
"Seven..."
"Six..."
"Maybe in another life."

Margie: (as Cloud) But now it's just not meant to be. (sighs)

Mukki
"Well, if that's how you feel... too bad."
"We have a trip planned at a cabin out in the country."

Margie: (as Mukki) And there we shall wait out the arrival of the black helicopters and their unholy armageddon! Wassup!

Cloud
"Five..."
"Four..."
"Three...."
"Two..."
"One..."
"Alright, that's ten. I'm gettin' out."

Mukki
"Why don't you stick around and play a bit?"
"Daddy's so lonely..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Daddy?! Mommy said you were working the club circuit in Junon!

Luna: Unfortunately, between the President's fetish and that comment about Cloud's equipment, I have nothing left to vomit.

(They all pile out.)

Mukki
"Bubby!!" This is important to me."
"Here's a memento of our time together!"

(He gives you the Bikini Briefs.)

Mukki
"Hope we meet again!"

Luna: And knowing Square, you will.

(They all run out of the room.)

Cloud
"This is SOME underwear.... I'm supposed to wear this...?"

Margie: (as Cloud) They don't go with my nice new leopard-print brassieres!

"Well, if it's to save Tifa... I guess there's no way around."

Luna: Welcome to Rationalization 101, with your instructor, Cloud Strife.

(He leaves the room.)

9. Wall Market: Cloud's Feminine Side, part II

(He goes into the Honeybee dressing room again and speaks to a Honeybee.)

".........."

Luna: "Cloud goes into the Honeybee dressing room again and spits a row of dots at a Honeybee."

Cloud
"If I were to dress up like a woman... Then I've got to really prepare carefully."

Margie: (as Cloud) That's it. Time for the surgery.

"Seems like I could put makeup on here."

Cloud
"I have a favor to ask of you. Can you put makeup on me too?"

"...paste, paste, paste....."

Margie: (as Cloud, eagerly) So you never broke that habit either? They used to put me in the corner for eating that stuff all the time!

"Oh... my....."

Margie: (as a bee girl) Not again...that's the third time this week.

(He leaves the Honeybee Inn. The bouncer sees him)

"Uh, sir!! It's almost closing time..."
"So, please remember any personal belongings."

Margie: (as the bouncer, gruffly) And wipe off that lipstick, it's not your shade.

(The people outside the Inn are ogling Aerith.)

Luna: "People"? Men, women, and children! They come from miles around!

"Uuuuuh! I want flowers too! But, I get so nervous in front of cute girls..."
"It just seems more natural to get cautious..."

Margie: Yeah, you never know when they might whip out that Cute Ninjitsu on your ass.

Aerith
"Hey!! Cloud!!"

(They scatter and Aerith rejoins...)

Luna: Aerith rejoins what?

(They go to the cafe and sit down.)

"Yes, what will you have?"

Luna: A really boring scene. How about you?

Cloud
"Hmm..."

Margie: (as Cloud) How about that guy? He's cute.

Cloud
"One Today's Special."

Margie: (as the waiter) Sorry, we're out of Today's Special. How about Next Thursday's Special instead?

"Comin' up!"

Luna: More boring scenes!

"In this store, you pay first. It'll be 70 Gil."

(He pays.)

"Thank you. Just a second."

(He gives him a plate.)

"There you go. Enjoy."

(He eats.)

Margie: And the strength he gains from that one Today's Special shall last him the rest of his life! He need never eat again!

Cloud
"It was all right."

[Only "It was all right" will get you the Coupon.]

Luna: That's right, kids, fib to get what you want!

"Thank you. Here's an item coupon for the Pharmacy."
"You can exchange it for one item there."
"We're out of coupons, so we stopped giving them away. Watch for our NEXT promotion!"

Luna: Did you ever stop to wonder what a bizarre cross-promotion that is?

Margie: Hey, you're right. "Stop in to our sporting-goods store and get a free tank of gas!"

Luna: "Get your dog groomed while we pull your teeth!"

Margie: "Drive-thru day care!"

(He gives you the Coupon. They go to the Pharmacy and speak to the clerk.)

"Whoa!"

Luna: (as the clerk) What in hell did you do to your hair?

"Why don't you say something, if you're standing there?"

Margie: (as Cloud) I'm an RPG hero. I just sort of stand around until someone talks to me.

"Oh, you have a coupon. Then please select any one medicine you like."

"Here you are."

(He gives him the Digestive. They go to the bar and speak to the guy in the bathroom.)

Luna: WOMAN.

"HEY... someone's IN here... Don't look!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Crap, sorry, I left my X-ray Vision on. I actually saw you in there three blocks away.

"What... urk..."

Cloud
(Give her medicine)

"Huh? You'll really give me some? Thanks."
"Phew, I feel better now. This is for your kindness."

Luna: Another completely unrelated item.

Margie: Oh come on, don't you carry bottles of perfume wherever you go?

Luna: Of course, especially when I'm whaling my guts out down at the bar. Makes perfect sense.

(She gives you the Sexy Cologne.)

[If you did not choose the Digestive, you would get a non-sexy cologne.]

Luna: Now, technically, any of these is non-sexy, seeing as cologne is for men...

Margie: Oh, relax. We're lucky they translated it this well, not to mention letting them say "sexy" in the first place.

Luna: "Received Fascinating Toilet Water!"...I guess you're right.

(They go to the Dress Shop.)

Aerith
"Aren't you going to change?"

Luna: Not until the second disc, he's not.

Cloud
"Okay... I'm ready."

(He steps into the dressing booth and gets dressed.)

"Hmm, not bad. This may be a new business for me."

Margie: (as the tailor) "Bob's He-Man Mercenary Makeovers!"

"Yeah, you're right. Should we try it?"
"Thanks for showing us something new. My father's got his motivation back now. So the dress is on the house."

Luna: "The dress is on the house" sounds like some secret spy code.

Margie: (singing) The dress is on the house, the dress is on the house! Heigh-ho the derry-o, the dress is on the house!

Aerith
"Walk more nicely like... this. Miss Cloud."

Cloud
"What do you mean 'nicely'?"

(He does a runway walk.)

Margie: (singing) Hey! I'm a mooo-del, ya-know-what-I-mean, and I do my little turrrn on the catwalk...

Luna: Go ahead, finish the joke.

Aerith
"Oh you're so cute, Miss Cloud."

Margie: (as Cloud, suavely) I'm too sexy.

Luna: The joke is now complete. Thank you, drive through.

"Aaah, I want one. Do you have one that'll look good on me too?"

"How's this?"

"How about that one?"

"Father, what are you talking about? This one's much better."

"No, what are you saying? This one."

Luna: Will everyone just shut up?!

(Aerith picks a dress.)

Aerith
"...I want THIS one."

(Everyone is surprised.)

Aerith
"I'm going to go change."

Luna: Not until disc...oh never mind.

(She goes to the dressing booth, then stops and turns around.)

Aerith
"......No peeking!"

Margie: (as Aerith) You want to see me naked, you can look on the Web like everyone else!

(She changes into quite a provocative red dress.)

Luna: Psychoanalysis of the scriptwriter starts here.

Aerith
"So? How do I look?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Like a bunch of polygons.

(Cloud shakes his head)

Aerith
"Oh, you're no fun!"

Luna: It took you THIS long to realize that?

(They go to the Don's mansion and speak to the doorman.)

"Damn!! Your friend's hot, too!"
"Come in, come in!!"
"Two ladies coming through!"

Luna: What does he care? He's not getting any.

(They enter the mansion. A receptionist speaks to them.)

"Hey, ladies."

Margie: (singing) Hey LA-dieeees...

Luna: You've now vaulted from nursery rhymes into Right Said Fred into the Beastie Boys. Congratulations. Your brain is officially a disaster area.

Margie: Thanks. I try.

"I'll go and let the Don know you're here. Wait here. Don't go wandering around..."

Luna: Of course, in RPG-ese, that means this is exactly when you do go wandering around.

Margie: But...is there ever a time in RPGs when you don't wander around?

Luna: You have a point.

Aerith
"Now's our chance. Let's find Tifa."

(Cloud goes upstairs and through a door. He comes out in a torture chamber. Aerith follows. They see Tifa there, dressed like... .. a slut, to be blunt about it.)

Luna & Margie: GASP!

Luna: Not our Tifa!

Margie: She's usually so...demure!

Aerith
"...Tifa?"
"Nice to meet you. I'm Aerith."
"Cloud's told me a lot about you."

Margie: (as Aerith) But I think "titanically immense" was a bit of an exaggeration.

Tifa
"...And you are?"
"Hey you're the one with Cloud in the park..."

Aerith
"Right, with Cloud."

Tifa
"Oh....."

Margie: (as Tifa) I'm so sorry to hear that.

Aerith
"Don't worry. We just met. It's nothing."

Tifa
"What do you mean, 'Don't worry'... about what?"

Luna: (as Tifa) You think I'd be jealous of you? With the stuff I've got?

"No, don't misunderstand."
"Cloud and I grew up together. Nothing more."

Aerith
"Poor Cloud, having to stand here and listen to both of us call him nothing."

Luna: Yeah, he's used to much less than that.

(She turns to Cloud.)

Aerith
"Right, Cloud?"

Tifa
"Cloud?"

(She checks him out.)

Luna: Now there's a first.

Tifa
"????"

Luna: "A-hrrrr?"

Margie: "Hehhh?"

"Cloud!?"
"Why are you dressed like that!? And what are you doing here!?"

Margie: (as Tifa) You're intruding on my turf, man!

"Forget that, what happened to you after the fall!? Are you hurt!?"

Cloud
"Hey, give me a chance to explain."
"I'm dressed like this... because there was no other way to get in here."

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, that's it! And I don't enjoy it! Not at all!

"I'm all right. Aerith helped me out."

Tifa
"Oh, Aerith did..."

Cloud
"Tifa, explain. What are you doing in a place like this?"

Luna: (as Cloud) ...on your day off?

Tifa
"Yeah, ummmm...."

Aerith
"Ahem! I'll just plug my ears."

Margie: (as Aerith) Despite the fact that I'm basically doing the exact same thing she is.

(She walks to the other side of the room and does so.)

Tifa
"I'm glad you're OK."

Cloud
"Thanks. What happened?"

Tifa
"When we got back from the Number 5 reactor, there was this weird man."

Margie: (as Tifa) He had this bizarre spiky hair and was really rude...he seemed so familiar, somehow...

"So Barret caught him and squeezed some information out of him."

Cloud
"That's when the Don's name popped up."

Margie: So you caught him, squeezed the information out of him, and the name popped up. This sounds disgusting!

Tifa
"Right, Don Corneo."
"Barret told me to leave the lech alone..."

Margie: (as Tifa) ...'Cause he wanted him all to himself.

"But something's been bothering me."

Cloud
"I see. So you wanted to get the story straight from Corneo's mouth."

Luna: Eww! I wouldn't want anything straight from Corneo's mouth!

Tifa
"So I made it here, but now I'm in a bind."

Margie: (as Cloud) Ahhh, that's just the bra, you'll get used to them.

"Corneo is looking for a bride."
"Everyday, he gets three girls, chooses one of them, and then.... ...and, well....."

Margie: So, whose turn is it to throw up now?

Luna: Give me a minute, I have to recharge.

"Anyway, I have to be the girl... or I'm out for tonight."

(Aerith turns.)

Aerith
"Sorry... but I overheard..."

Margie: (as Aerith) Did you say somebody gets a chance with Don Corneo?! Awright! Just like the old days!

"If you know the three girls, there's no problem, right?"

Tifa
"I guess so, but..."

Margie: (as Tifa) I just don't feel like cloning myself tonight!

Aerith
"We have two here, right?"

Luna: (as Tifa) Umm...lemme count again...

Cloud
"No, Aerith! I can't have you get involved."

Aerith
"Oh? So it's all right for Tifa to be in danger?"

Cloud
"No, I don't want Tifa in...."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...clothes.

(Tifa walks to Aerith.)

Tifa
"Is it all right?"

(They start to walk out of the room together.)

Margie: The TRUE STORY of how Charlie's Angels began!

Aerith
"I grew up in the slums... I'm used to danger."

Margie: (as Aerith) Made a nice weekend job out of it, actually.

(She turns to Tifa.)

Aerith
"Do you trust me?"

Tifa
"Yes. Thanks, Ms. Aerith."

Aerith
"Call me Aerith."

Margie: (as Aerith) It's "Mistress Aerith" usually, but I'll give you a break.

(A voice from upstairs.)

"He---y!!"

Luna: (as the voice) Get this scene movin' already!

(The receptionist is at the top of the stairs.)

"It's time, ladies. The Don is waiting!"

(He goes back upstairs.)

"I told ya not to wander around... I tell ya, women nowadays..."

Luna: (as the receptionist) See, I keep tellin' 'em, you don't get these kinds of shenanigans with good old-fashioned sheep...

"Hurry up, will ya!"

Cloud
"I probably don't need to ask but the other girl is..."
"Me...... right?"

Tifa
You're right, there was no need..."

Luna: (as Tifa) ...for the dress.

(She faces Aerith.)

Aerith
"...to ask."

(They all go upstairs to the Don's room.....)

(Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa enter the Don's room. He is seated at a desk, with a flunky on either side.)

Kotch
"All right, ladies!"
"Line up in front of the Don!"

Luna: (laughing) They actually named the guy "Kotch"?! How appropriate!

Margie: Kotch! Tung! Arpit! Get over here!

Luna: And we thought "Butz" was bad...

(They line up in a row.)

Don Corneo
"Hmmm! Good, splendid!"

(He jumps over his desk and checks out Aerith.)

Don Corneo
"Now, let's see... Which girl should I choose? Hmm--- hmm---!"

(He checks out Cloud, who tries to face away.)

Margie: (as Cloud, strangled) Dude...breath mint?...please?

Don Corneo
"This one?"

(He checks out Tifa.)

Luna: Like every other man on earth...

Don Corneo
"Or this one?"

(He checks out Cloud again.)

Don Corneo
"Woo-hoo, I've made up my mind!!"
"My choice for tonight is....."

(Drum rollllllllll....)

[If you have ALL the feminine items...]

(Don Corneo picks Cloud...)

Don Corneo
"This healthy-looking girl!"

Margie: (as Don Corneo) Those pecs! That tiara! That milkmaid hair! That second-grade dress with the stupid sash! Whoo baby!

Cloud
"Wa, wait a sec! I mean, uh, please wait a moment!"

Don Corneo
"Woo-hoo!"
"I love chickies who play hard to get! Yeowza!"

Margie: Yeowza? Wasn't that one of the guys in Tactics?

(Don turns to his flunkies.)

Don Corneo
"You can have the other ones!"

"Yes, sir! Thank you sir!"

Luna: (as a flunky) Dibs on the one with the-

Margie: (as another flunky) No way, man! I called it last time!

(He turns to the girl he chose.)

Don Corneo
"Well then, shall we go my pretty?"

Margie: (as Don Corneo) And your little dog, too! Eeeheheheheee!

(He leads the girl he chose into the bedroom...)

10. In Don Corneo's Bedroom

(Fade up on the room; the hosts are standing on either side of the monitor with microphones and cheesy smiles. The monitor shows a glitzy logo, "Miss RPG Pageant".)

Luna: (cheerfully) Thanks for tuning in folks, and welcome to the annual Miss RPG Pageant wrapup show!

Margie: (perkily) That's right, Brenda! Every year, the best and brightest of the RPG world come to compete for fame, glory and fabulous prizes! And what a pageant we had THIS year!

Luna: (cheerfully) Indeed we did, Marla. Let's take a look at some highlights, shall we? (Clicks a weatherman-type clicker; the first picture clicks up on the monitor)

Margie: Oooh, now this was nice. This is the Captain of Rocket Town, Cid Highwind, in a lovely little pink number.

Luna: Very nice color for him, don't you think? Now Captain Highwind did very nicely in the swimsuit competition, but he also won Miss Uncongeniality. However, it was his cursing at the judges during the interview that ultimately led to his taking last place in the competition.

Margie: So sad. The Captain will go home without the crown, but with a year's supply of creme rinse from Jenova Cosmetics. We wish him the best of luck next year. (Luna clicks the clicker, and the next picture comes up on the monitor.)

Luna: Here's the infamous Vincent Valentine, formerly of Shinra's Turks, in a dramatic - and, may I add, unique - evening gown. Mr. Valentine placed second in the talent competition with his act, transforming into Famous Monsters of the Millennium, but it was again the interview portion that was his downfall.

Margie: That's right, Brenda. When asked "What would you do to make the world a better place?", Mr. Valentine answered, and I quote, "Nothing. None of it really matters anyway, we're all doomed." One of the judges was later quoted as saying, "Not a bad answer, but it lacks the spark and optimism that Miss RPG is looking for." And so, Mr. Valentine's dreams go unfulfilled for the thirty-second year in a row.

Luna: Mr. Valentine placed sixth in the pageant as a whole, making it to the semifinals. He will go home with a 5000-gil scholarship and a year's supply of self-tanning lotion from Jenova Cosmetics.

Margie: Best of luck next year, and remember, smile! (Luna clicks the clicker; the next picture appears on the monitor)

Luna: Here's the leader of AVALANCHE, Barret Wallace, in a perky little sportswear ensemble. Mr. Wallace did splendidly in the swimsuit competition as well, and his talent competition entry was simply stunning!

Margie: That it was, Brenda. Mr. Wallace put on quite a show, defusing explosives and lifting a 60-pound weight with his teeth, all while whistling the theme song to "Mission: Impossible". He also turned in a lovely show in the evening gown section, in a beaded blue gown with feather headdress.

Luna: Finishing third in the talent competition and first in the swimsuit competition, Mr. Wallace was a shoo-in for the final round. It all came down, as these competitions do, to the interview section.

Margie: To the question "What would you do to make the world a better place?", Mr. Wallace answered, "Get rid of all those Planet-sucking Shinra #$(*&$@!" This went over well with the crowd, but failed to impress the judges, which included Reeve of Shinra, Vice-President Rufus Shinra, Heidegger of Shinra, Palmer of Shinra, and Lord Godo, who turned in the only score over negative 3. It also failed to impress the hostess of the evening, Scarlett of Shinra, who proceeded to bitch-slap Mr. Wallace across the stage.

Luna: No end of thrills here tonight, folks. Despite his fantastic showing earlier in the program, Mr. Wallace ended up as the runner-up in tonight's competition. However, if during the coming year, our reigning Miss RPG cannot finish her reign, due to illness, Mako poisoning, decapitation, or mauling by mad chocobos, Mr. Wallace may assume the crown.

Margie: Mr. Wallace will return to Midgar with a 10,000-gil scholarship and a year's supply of pore-cleansing strips from Jenova Cosmetics. Best of luck to Mr. Wallace next year, and remember, always tailor your speech to fit the audience! (Luna clicks the clicker, revealing the last picture.)

Luna: And finally, our pageant winner and reigning Miss RPG: SOLDIER First Class, spawn of JENOVA, and would-be ruler of the world, the one and only Sephiroth.

Margie: Mr. Sephiroth originally scored low in the swimsuit competition, as he refused to wear any color but non-regulation black. He recovered a bit in the evening gown segment, wearing a stunning floor-length black gown with flowing sleeves and plunging neckline.

Luna: In the talent competition, our future Miss RPG turned in an impressive performance, levitating and mind-controlling the other contestants to bow down before him and turn over all their jewelry. Though it is suspected that Mr. Sephiroth also mind-controlled the judges, which is strictly against pageant policy, these rumors are unconfirmed.

Margie: From that point on, the pageant took a dramatic turn, with Mr. Sephiroth placing first in the talent competition and, despite unremarkable scores otherwise, making it into the semifinals. Yet, the all-important interview was when he made the greatest impact of all.

Luna: That's right, Marla. When asked the question, "What would you do to make the world a better place?", Mr. Sephiroth answered, "Command an army of clones to overrun it, seize all its power for myself, become a god, and rule it from on high for all eternity. Oh, and feed the hungry." Though he was then rumored to mutter "...to my clones," this, too, is unsubstantiated.

Margie: This answer apparently stunned the judges, who then turned in nothing but perfect 10.0 scores - except for Lord Godo, who turned in a negative 3. Immediately after the program, Lord Godo was found with severe sword trauma to the back; it is believed he tripped and fell on a stray Masamune, found nearby. No foul play is suspected.

Luna: This score was enough to propel Mr. Sephiroth to the forefront of the competition. He was then crowned this year's Miss RPG, before an adoring audience.

Margie: Mr. Sephiroth leaves with not only the crown, but a 20,000-gil scholarship, a brand new car from Shinra Auto, an award-winning Gold Chocobo complete with stable in the rustic Southern Midgar area, a shopping spree in Costa del Sol, and a year's supply of hair dye from Jenova Cosmetics. Congratulations to this year's Miss RPG!

Luna: That's all for tonight's program, folks. Join us next year for highlights from the next Miss RPG Pageant! (Both hosts wave as the screen fades to black.)

(Fade in on the silhouettes; the game is back on.)

(Don Corneo and the girl he chose are sitting in his extravagantly and tastelessly decorated bedroom. It smacks of 'Love Hotel'.)

Luna: Look, we're supposed to make the sarcastic pop-culture references, okay?

Don Corneo
"Ahh, we're finally alone..."
"All right, pussycat... Come to daddy!"

Margie: Um, sir, I think you're mixing perverted metaphors...?

(Cloud reluctantly comes to the bed...)

Don Corneo
"You're so cute, I never get tired of looking at you."

Luna: Yeah, but you don't have to look at him for 60-plus hours of gameplay.

Margie: Well, you get that one break in Disc 2.

Luna: But then you have to watch Cid run.

Margie: I thought it was funny.

Luna: Funny? Yes. Annoying?...

Margie: I guess you have a point.

"Do you like me, too?"

Cloud
"Of course!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah...I just love fat, old, bald perverts! Who doesn't?

Don Corneo
"You sure do know how to make a guy feel good!"

Luna: Clean up after him, hand him the remote and pretend to like football.

Margie: (rimshot) Ba-doom chh!

"Then wh... what do you want to DO?"

Cloud
"Whatever YOU want, daddy."

Don Corneo
"Oh man! I can't stand it! All right, then...."

Margie: (as Don Corneo) Dress up like a man!

Luna: (as Cloud) WHAT?!?

Margie: (as Don Corneo) Yeah, and stick your hair up in big spikes! Ooooh, baby!

Luna: (as Cloud) Can't I just kiss you or something?

Margie: (as Don Corneo) Oh, you big spoilsport. Fine then...

(He hops forward on the bed like a frog...)

Don Corneo
"Give me a kiss! A KISS!!"

Cloud
"All right......"

Margie: (as Cloud) "Dear Diary, my prayers have finally been answered!"

(Cloud moves to kiss him.... pulls back... moves forward again......!)

Luna: No matter how many dots you add, it's still not thrilling.

"Ju---st a minute!!"

Margie & Luna: (as Tifa and Aerith) CORNEO'S MINE!!

(Tifa and Aerith break in.)

Luna: (as Cloud) Crap...

Tifa
"Cloud..."
"Were you really..."

Margie: (as Cloud) I thought about it, but he's not my type.

(Cloud shakes his head quickly and flings off his woman's clothes.)

Margie: AHHHH! NOOOOO!!

Luna: Relax, he has his regular clothes under them.

Margie: Thank goodness! Geez, they shouldn't scare us like that.

Luna: Though...he still has the makeup on, I guess.

Margie: Weird.

Don Corneo
"A man!? What's goin' on?"

Luna: Square's idea of comedy! That's what's goin' on!

Tifa
"Shut up, we're asking the questions now..."
"What did your assistants find out? Talk! If you don't tell us..."

(Cloud puts a foot up on the bed.)

Margie: (as Cloud) ...I'll take off the REST of my clothes.

Cloud
"...I'll chop them off."

(Don jumps.)

Don Corneo
"No! Not that! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!"

Tifa
"So... talk."

Don Corneo
"...I made 'em find out where the man with the gun-arm was. But that's what I was ordered to do."

Luna: "Corneo. Stop. Find man with gun-arm. Stop. Or I'll chop them off. Stop. Love, Heidegger of Shinra. Stop. PS. Gyahahaaa."

Tifa
"By who?"

Don Corneo
"No--! If I told you that, I'd be killed!"

Tifa
"Talk! If you don't tell us..."

(Aerith puts her foot up on the bed.)

Aerith
"...I'll rip them off."

Margie: YEAH! That's the Aeris we know! Told ya so!

Don Corneo
"Waaaaah--! It was Heidegger of Shinra!"
"Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance!"

Cloud
"The head of Public Safety Maintenance?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Heidegger?

Luna: (as Cloud) Of Shinra?

Tifa
"Did you say the Shinra!? What are they up to!? Talk!"
"If you don't tell us..."

(Tifa puts her foot up on the bed.)

Luna: (as Tifa) I'll start wearing proper undergarments.

Margie: Oh, they wouldn't dare. They'd lose the entire male 12-to-18 age bracket.

Tifa
"I'll smash them."

Don Corneo
"...You're serious, aren't you.... ...ohboy, ohboy, ohboy."

Margie: (as Don Corneo) This is better than I thought!

"... I'm not fooling around here either, you know."
"Shinra's trying to crush a small rebel group called AVALANCHE, and want to infiltrate their hiedout."
"And they're really going to crush them... literally."
"By breaking the support holding up the plate above them."

(Tifa steps back.)

Tifa
"Break the support!?"

Luna: Oh come on, Tifa, like you care so much about "support".

Don Corneo
"You know what's going to happen? The plate'll go PING"

Luna: Ahh, the mighty PING of a 200-ton steel plate cracking loose from its foundations.

"and everything's gonna go BAMMM!! I heard their hideout's in the Sector 7 Slums..." "I'm just glad it's not here in Sector 6."

Tifa
"They're going to wipe out the Sector 7 Slums!?"

(She turns to Cloud.)

Margie: (as Tifa) What are the Sector 7 Slums?

Tifa
"Cloud, will you come with me to Sector 7?"

Cloud
"Of course, Tifa."

Luna: (as Cloud) 'Cause I'm a tough, mean kinda guy, despite the fact that I follow wherever anyone tells me.

(They all stand at the foot of the bed.)

Don Corneo
"Just a second!"

Cloud
"Shut up!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Or I'll bite 'em off! No, wait...

Don Corneo
"No wait, it'll only take a second."
"How do you think scum like me feels when they babble on about the truth?"

Cloud
"They're sure they'll win?"

Don Corneo
"Woo-hoo! Right!"

Margie: You know...I've noticed that Don Corneo says "Woo-hoo" really often.

Luna: So what?

Margie: So....insanely happy....says "Woo-hoo" every third sentence...

Luna: ...No. You don't mean...

Margie: Yep. A new conspiracy for the ages: CORNEO IS SELPHIE!

Luna: You're so evil.

(He flips a switch and Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa fall through a trap door to the sewer below...)

Luna: (as Tifa, falling) This is alllll yooooour fault, Clouuuuuud...

Margie: (as Cloud, falling) Yeahhhh... weeeeelll... if Aaaaaeris had let me get the sheer dreeeeess...

Luna: (as Aerith, falling) Shuuuuut uuuup, booooth of youuuuuu....

11. The Sewers of Shinra; Sector 7 Goes Boom part I

(Heidegger approaches President Shinra's desk in the Shinra building. Reeve stands by the desk.)

Luna: (as a Square developer) You know, the players are going to firebomb our offices if we put in this Cait Sith thing.

Margie: (as a Square developer) Ahh, we'll throw in some really cool guy to invent him. They'll forgive us.

Luna: (as a Square developer) Isn't that a little non-sequitur?

Margie: (as a Square developer) Who's gonna notice that?

President Shinra
"How are the preparations going?"

Heidegger
"Ha, ha, ha!! Smoothly, very smoothly! I assigned the Turks to this."

Margie: (singing) Here- come- the Men In Blue (clap clap), they're crushing Sector Sev-eeen...

Luna: Nice one.

Margie: Thank you.

Reeve
"President!! Are we really going to do this? Simply destroy a group with only a few members..."

President Shinra
"What's the problem, Reeve? You want out?"

(He gets up from his desk and walks around to the front, by Reeve.)

Margie: (as President Shinra) You know, you're really cute when you have deep moral crises.

Reeve
"...No."
"But, as head of the Urban Development Department, I have been involved in the building and running of Midgar. That's why..."

Margie: (as Reeve) ...I wear this hip goatee.

Heidegger
"Reeve, you should flush those personal problems in the morning!"

(The hosts are disgusted)

Margie: Now that's just revolting!

Reeve
"The Mayor's against this anyway...."

(Heidegger shrugs.)

Luna: (as Heidegger) I'll eat him for lunch. There. No problem.

Heidegger
"Mayor?"
"He just sits in his building all day feeding his face! You still call that a Mayor?"

Luna: Hell, we've called that a President, why not?

Margie: I think that merits another "ba-doom chhh."

(He faces the President and salutes.)

Luna: (as Heidegger) Heidegger of the Fraternal Order of Irritating Pudgy Guys reporting, SIR!

Heidegger
"Now if you'll excuse me sir!"

(He leaves. Reeve follows after him a few steps, then stops, his arm outstretched.)

Margie: (as Reeve) Darling...don't go...

President Shinra
"You're tired. Why don't you take a couple of days off and go somewhere."

Margie: (as the President) Like HELL! Muwahaha! I love being evil.

(Reeve exits.)

President Shinra
"We'll destroy Sector 7 and report that AVALANCHE did it. Then we'll send in the rescue operation care of Shinra, Inc... Heh, heh, heh... this is perfect."

Luna: (as the President) You! Invisible friend! Get right on it!

(Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith fall down a chute, landing in a sewer. Cloud gets up and walks over to Aerith.)

Cloud
"You alright?"

(Aerith stands up.)

Aerith
"Yeah."

Margie: (as Aerith) Thank God I didn't land on you, I could've been killed. Turns out Tifa's good for something, I guess.

(He walks over to Tifa.)

Cloud
"You alright?"

Luna: (as Tifa) Except for this unexplained inability to express my undying love for a snotty twerp, just peachy. Oh, and I have a backache too.

Tifa
"Man! This is terrible."

Luna: (as Tifa) Did you see that scene with Shinra? What the heck was that all about?

Aerith
"Well, the worst is over..."

Margie: (as Aerith) We got you out of that stupid dress, at least.

(They hear a loud rumbling. Cloud looks around...)

Aerith
"Maybe not..."

(Boss battle with Aps)

Luna: For no apparent reason.

Tifa
"It's too late..... Marlene... Barret... the people of the slums."

Luna: (as Tifa) Whom I've lived with for the last five years but can't remember the names of.

Aerith
"Don't give up, never give up hope. It's not easy to destroy the pillar, right?"

Tifa
"......Yeah..... you're right! We still have time."

Luna: (as Tifa) ...to make our way through not just one, but two unnecessary dungeons.

(They work their way out of the sewer, arriving at the Train Graveyard, a vast wasteland of broken trains and rubble.)

Luna: "Vast"? It's like six screens, tops.

Cloud
"Aerith. I got you mixed up in all of this..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah, it's my fault I crashed through your church roof! Me and my damn gravity!

Aerith
"Don't tell me to go home."

Luna & Margie: (as Cloud & Tifa) Go home.

(Tifa looks around.)

Tifa
"Let's see... If we can just get past the trains that are lit up, we should be able to get out of here."

Margie: (as Tifa) As we are creatures of the night and cannot stand against the awesome power of those lights.

(They climb over and through the trains in the Graveyard until they reach the Reactor Tower. Several people are milling around the base of it, and we hear noises of shooting from above.)

Tifa
"We made it! The pillar's standing!"

Luna: No, it's not enough that they gave Tifa the chest of a centerfold, they have to give her lines like "the pillar's standing." I think I'm going to be sick.

Margie: One female gamer pukes, several million male gamers embrace it as the best-selling game gimmick of all time...

Luna: ...of course, until Selphie's underwear.

Margie: Of course.

Cloud
"Wait! You hear something.... above us?"

Aerith
".....gun fire?"

Margie: (as Aerith) Not that I'd know, I usually deal in whi...you didn't hear that.

(The camera shifts to show the tower, slowly panning upward, until we see the top of the tower. Guns are blazing. At the top, we see a flash of gunfire, then someone falls twenty stories down to land at the base of the tower. It's Wedge. Cloud dashes over and kneels by him.)

Cloud
"Wedge!! You all right!?"

Wedge
".......Cloud...... You remembered..... my name."
"Barret's up top. ...help him......."
"An' Cloud.... Sorry, I wasn't any help."

Luna: (as Wedge) But.... all with my name..... are.... destined.... to.... erk!

(Cloud, after a silent pause, stands.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Dude...I am NOT carrying this guy back to the hideout.

Cloud
"I'm going up!"
"Aerith! You look after Wedge."

(Tifa walks to Aerith.)

Luna: (as Tifa) Oh yeah? Well, I can order her around too! Watch this!

Tifa
"Aerith, do me a favor."
"I have a bar called '7th Heaven' in this neighborhood."

Margie: (as Tifa) Go get me a scotch, this Cloud guy is driving me insane.

"There's a little girl named Marlene there......"

(Aerith nods.)

Aerith
"Don't worry. I'll put her somewhere safe."

Tifa
"It's dangerous here!"
"Everyone get away from the pillar, quickly!"
"Everyone get out of Sector 7!"

(They all scatter. Cloud and Tifa climb the tower.)

Aerith
"Don't worry, you let me handle this."

Luna: Aaaand she does this in true Final Fantasy heroine style: by getting her helpless ass kidnapped.

(Cloud and Tifa climb the flights of stairs up the side of the tower. Along the way, they meet Biggs, who is leaning over the railing, wounded.)

Biggs
"Cloud... so you don't care... what happens... to the.... Planet?"

Cloud
"You're wounded....."

Margie: (as Cloud) Said so in the narration.

Biggs
"Thanks, Cloud."
"...don't worry 'bout me.... Barret's... fighting up there. Go help him...."

Luna: (as Biggs) And then there's that girl what's-her-name, but I won't bother mentioning her.

(Continuing up the tower, they meet Jessie, who is lying on the stairs, also hurt.)

Jessie
"....Cloud... I'm glad.... I could talk with you one last time."

Cloud
"Is that so...."

Jessie
"...Is.. that so......?"
"Ha...... cool...... as usual... ex-SOLDIER. ...always... I liked that.... in you...."

Luna: ...................... are............. they........... speaking............ in......... slow ..........motion .........?

Margie: (as Jessie, in a weird, warped slow-motion voice) Clouuuuuuuuuuud...... Iiiiiiii...... allllllllllwayyyyyyys............... liiiiiiiiked......... jerrrrrrrrkkkkks.......... liiiiiiiike.......... youuuuuuuuuuuu.............................

(Reaching the top of the tower, they meet Barret, who is fighting the numberous Shinra enemies.)

Luna: Fighting the numberous Shinra enemyness with his shooteriffic arm-cannonade!

Barret
"Tifa! Cloud! You came!"

Luna: (as Tifa) For the LAST time, I did NOT sle--never mind.

"Be careful! They're attacking from the helicopter."

Tifa
"Better equip ourselves before they attack in full force!"

Margie: (as Tifa) And they'll just have to wait there while we do!

(They equip themselves)

Tifa
"Here they come!"

(A helicopter flies past, and Reno drops from it. He runs over to a mechanism on the side of the pillar and presses a few buttons on it. Cloud, Barret, and Tifa run over.)

Luna & Margie: RENO!

Luna: Yeah! This's just what this scene needed, some Reno.

Reno
"You're too late. Once I push this button..."

Margie: (as Reno) This beautiful shiny button... this jolly, candylike button...

(Beep.)

Reno
"That's all, folks! Mission accomplished."

Margie: (singing Looney Tunes music) Dah-dah dah dah da-dah dahhh...

Tifa
"We have to disarm it! Cloud! Barret! Please!"

Reno
"I can't have you do that. No one gets in the way of Reno and the Turks..."

(Boss battle with Reno)

Luna & Margie: YEAH!

Luna: Kick his ass, Reno!

Reno
"It's time."

Margie: (as Reno) Dude, me and the band have a gig in, like, half an hour. Laters.

(Reno jumps off the edge of the tower. Tifa runs over to the mechanism and tries to disarm the bomb.)

Tifa
"Cloud! I don't know how to stop this! Try it!"

(Cloud examines it.)

Cloud
"It's not a normal time bomb."

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, and I'd know, 'cause of my extensive...um...day's training in AVALANCHE.

(The helicopter hovers up to the side of the tower. A Turk, Tseng, pops his head out the side window.)

Margie: Catch!

Luna: Ewwww!

Tseng
"That's right. You'll have a hard time disarming that one."
"It'll blow the second some stupid jerk touches it."

Luna: Well, then Cloud's definitely out.

Tifa
"Please, stop it!"

Tseng
"Ha ha ha....."
"Only a Shinra Executive can set up or disarm the Emergency Plate Release System."

Barret
"Shut yer hole!"

Luna: ...am I the only one made faintly ill by that line?

Margie: Yep.

(He fires on the helicopter.)

Tseng
"I wouldn't try that.... You just might make me injure our special guest."

Margie: (as Tseng) Next on our program tonight, our special guest, straight from Sector Five - the sweetheart of the Midgar slums, everybody's favorite Ancient - let's give a big hand to Aerith "Mistress Aerith" Gainsborough!

(A woman in a pink dress raises her head up in the window.)

Tifa
"Aerith!!"

Tseng
"Oh, you know each other?"
"How nice you could see each other one last time. You should thank me."

Cloud
"What are you gonna do with Aerith?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Oh, and while you're here, why did Constantinople get the works?

Luna: (as Tseng) That's nobody's business but ours.

Tseng
"I haven't decided."
"Our orders were to find and catch the last remaining Ancient."
"It's taken us a long time, but now I can finally report this to the President."

(Aerith leans over the side of the helicopter.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Hey, I can see my house from here! Hee hee!

Aerith
"Tifa, don't worry! She's all right!"

(Tseng slaps her back into the helicopter. Hard.)

Luna & Margie: BOOOOOO!

Luna: Bad Turk! Stupid haircuts are one thing, but beating up on flower girls?

Margie: No matter how heavily armed?

Luna: Bad.

Tifa
"Aerith!"

Margie: (as Aerith) Tifa!

Luna: (as Cloud) Barret!

Margie: (as Barret) Cloud!

Luna: (as Tseng) Everybody!

Margie & Luna: (as everybody) Tseng!

(She leans back out.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Hock-ptooie...

Aerith
"Hurry and get out!"

Tseng
"Ha, ha, ha... Well, it should be starting right about now. Think you can escape in time?"

(FMV sequence. The helicopter flies away, and the pillar begins to explode, sending chunks of flaming steel and concrete falling to the ground.)

Luna: Flaming steel and concrete?

Margie: You know, kids, if you're ever lost in the wilderness, make sure to build a fire with plenty of steel and concrete!

Tifa
"Once that plate starts coming down it's too late. We gotta hurry!"

(Barret hops up on the railing of the tower and grabs a hanging wire.)

Barret
"Yo, we can use this wire to get out!"

Luna: (as Barret) Yeah, somehow it'll support my enormous bulk!

(Tifa climbs in Barret's lap. Cloud climbs up on his shoulders....)

Luna: Hentai freaks, pay attention!

(...FMV sequence. The pillar explodes. The people in the slums panic as the upper plate comes crashing down to crush their homes. Cloud, Tifa, and Barret swing on the wire and barely escape the falling plate as President Shinra watches it all from his office window in Shinra HQ, opera music blaring from the stereo.)

Margie: (as the President) Ahh, yes, I played Brunnhilde for seven seasons at the Midgar Met... (sighs)

Luna: Cliffhanger! Break?

Margie: PLEASE.

(Margie gets up and flicks the lights on as she leaves. Luna spins around, facing the camera. She grins, slightly sneakily.)

Luna: Hello again, folks. We're now closing in on the homestretch of the Midgar prologue, which brings us to the inevitable. (She hits a mouse button, and the Turks' Theme starts to play.) My humble ode to the drunkest of the drinkers and the slackest of the slacksters, a vision in primary colors... (Margie returns to the room.)

Margie: What the...Oh, no, not this thing...

Luna: Shush!

Margie: (sighs huffily) But later, I'm telling you, I'm gonna do a song! And you're not gonna stop me! So there!

Luna: Silence, infidel!!

Margie: Cripes. (sits down, watching)

Luna: ...the man with the magic stick, the coolest guy in the coolest quasi-evil syndicate in gaming history...

Margie: ...except for Kefka...

Luna: Shush... Reno.

Margie: What the heck kind of name is "Reno"?

Luna: Shut up, it's a cool name.

Margie: I still think his last name is "Nevada". Reno Nevada.

Luna: Oh, be quiet, is not!

Margie: (grandly) Reno Nevada, the biggest little man on earth!

Luna: ARRRGHHH! You're screwing up my ode!

Margie: Mwahaha.

Luna: Come on, you have to admit he's pretty cool.

Margie: ...He has a kind of Gen-X anti-charm, yes.

Luna: See?!

Margie: Still has a dumb name. Reee-no Ne-vaaaa-dahhhh...

Luna: Oh for heaven's sake.

Margie: And he's a lush, which is no image to be portraying to today's youth.

Luna: Yeah, right. Today's youth are too busy staring at Tifa's chest to notice.

Margie: I still say Vincent rules as far as Turks go.

Luna: What? He was a Turk for about a minute and a half! He had two lines!

Margie: But they were good lines. Anyway, bet he could kick Reno's butt, baton and all.

Luna: It's not a baton, it's a nightstick. And besides, Vincent would just give up and mutter something about the futility of our existence.

Margie: Yeah, if Reno was sober enough to show up in the first place. And what's a nightstick?

Luna: The thing Reno has.

Margie: La la la, circular logic...

Luna: Reno still rules.

Margie: Reno doesn't rule. He's in the line of succession, but he does not in fact rule. Sephiroth, now. He rules.

Luna: Oh, let's not get into THAT one.

Margie: Hey, as soon as he gets into the game, you're goin' down.

Luna: It's a deal. Now let's get going, we still have about 55 hours to go.

Margie: Joy. (She gets up to turn the light off; fade to black.)

12. Sector 7 Goes Boom part II; Aerith's Mom's Flashback

(Same scene as usual.)

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret come to in the playground. Everything has been demolished; shards of debris protrude grotesquely from the happy face of the children's slide; steam rises from the ground in several places. Barret runs over to the pile of debris that was the gate to Sector 7.)

Barret
"Marlene!!"
"MAR---LE---NE!!"

Margie: (singing) One, two, three-e-ee Marlenes...

(He runs to one side.)

Barret
"Biggs!"

(He runs to the other side.)

Barret
"Wedge!!"

(He runs back to the center.)

Margie: (as Barret) The rest of Wedge!!

Barret
"Jessie!"

(He punches the debris repeatedly.)

Barret
"GOD DAMN IT!!"
"DAMMIT!!"
"DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!"

Luna: Um...where else can you damn it?

Margie: (as Barret) DAMMIT ALL TO THE SIXTH AVENUE BUS TERMINAL!

Luna: See?

(He stops; his shoulders are hitching.)

Margie: After many hours on the road, Barret's shoulders catch a ride with a long-haul trucker and his load of black-market Chocobo parts. They disappear somewhere near Junon and are never seen again...

Luna: You need therapy.

Barret
"What the hell's it all for!?"
"ARGGHHHH!!!"

Cloud
"Hey, Barret!"

Margie: (as Cloud, whiny) I hafta go to the bathroom!

Tifa
"Barret!"

Luna: (as Tifa, whiny) Cloud just hit me!

Margie: (as Cloud, whiny) Did not!

Barret
"ARGGHHHH!!!"

Luna: (as Barret) You kids cut that out or we're going home!

(Cloud and Tifa run up to him.)

Cloud
"Hey!"

Margie: (as Cloud, whiny) Make her stop touching me!

Luna: (as Tifa, whiny) You wish, you spiky-headed jerk!

Tifa
"Barret, stop... Please stop, Barret."

Margie: (singing) Barret, are you okay... are you okay, Barret?

Barret
"URGHHHH!!!"

Luna: (as Barret, growling) HULK MAAAAAAD!!!

(He fires on the pile of debris, sweeping it with bullets... then stops, and falls to his knees.)

Barret
"God damn..."

(He punches the ground. The scene fades.)

(The scene fades back in. Barret is sitting on the end of the slide. Cloud and Tifa stand nearby.)

Margie: (as Barret) Damn, man, you were supposed to catch me.

Barret
"Marlene..."

Tifa
"....... Barret......?"
"Marlene is.... I think Marlene is safe."

Margie: (as Tifa) Yeah, I interrogated her a few days ago. We thought she was a Shinra spy for a while there...

(Barret looks up.)

Luna: But, again, not very far.

Barret
"....huh?"

Tifa
"Right before they took Aerith, she said, "Don't worry, she's all right. She was probably talking about Marlene."

Margie: That, or her alter ego: Sirea, Pink-Clad Terror of the Night.

(Barret stands.)

Barret
"R, really!?"

Luna: (as Tifa) No. She actually said, "Sorry about your daughter getting dropped off a-"

Margie: (as Barret) ARRRGHHHHHH!

Tifa
"But..."

Barret
"Biggs...... Wedge.... Jessie......"

Luna: Who, for some unexplained reason, are always listed in that order...

Cloud
"All three of them were in the pillar."

Luna: IN the pillar?

Margie: Yeah, seconds before the explosion, Shinra had them poured into concrete.

Barret
"Think I don't know that?"

(He turns, not facing either of them.)

Luna: Despite his limited eight-direction plane of existence.

Barret
"But... we, all of us fought together."

Luna: Literally.

(He sits on the slide again.)

Margie: (as Barret) Catch me this time, dammit!

Barret
"I don't wanna think of them as dead!"

Margie: (as Tifa) Think of it this way, Barret: Wedge is finally on a diet... Biggs doesn't have to talk again, ever... and Jessie has had her last system crash.

Tifa
"And the other people in Sector 7."

Luna: (as Tifa) Whoever they are.

Barret
"This is all screwed up!"
"They destroyed an entire village just to get to us! They killed so many people...."

Margie: It takes a village to kill a Cloud.

Tifa
"...are you saying it's our fault? Because AVALANCHE was here? Innocent people lost their lives because of us?"

(He stands up and shakes his head.)

Barret
"No, Tifa!"
"That ain't it! Hell no!!"
"It ain't us! It's the damn Shinra! It's never been nobody but the Shinra!"

Margie: (as Barret, choking) I...I love them!

(Cloud steps back, facing away from Barret and Tifa. Barret faces away and raises his arms.)

Barret
"They're evil and destroyin' our planet just to..."

Margie: (as Barret) ...make the world safe for men with grunge hair in snappy suits!

"build their power and line their own damn pockets with gold!"

Luna: (as Barret) Despite the fact that this game doesn't use gold!

"If we don't get rid of them, they're gonna kill this planet!"

(He turns around.)

Barret
"Our fight ain't never gonna be over until we get rid of them!"

Luna: And have the obligatory "hero finds out his true identity" sequence.

Margie: Don't forget the obligatory "hero leaves team for no real reason" sequence.

Luna: And the obligatory "bad-guy-turns-good" sequence.

(Tifa shakes her head.)

Luna: (as Tifa) Ummmm, back up a second...who's Shinra?

Tifa
"............I don't know."

Luna: Like that narrows it down much.

Barret
"What don't you know!? You don't believe me?"

Tifa
"It's not that. I'm not sure about ... me. My feelings."

Luna: And this has what to do with this scene?

(Barret faces Cloud, whose back is still turned.)

Barret
"An' what about you?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Fine, I'll wear the dress again, but no singing!

(Cloud looks up, still not turning.)

Cloud
"..........."

Luna: (as Cloud) I think that about sums it up.

(He leaves the playground.)

Barret
"Yo!"
"Where's he think he's goin'?"

Luna: (as Cloud, offscreen, faintly) Out of this scene!

Tifa
"Oh! Aerith!"

Margie: The name is Cloud....

Barret
"Oh yeah, that girl. What's up with her?"

Luna: Aerith, what's up with. See also: Terra.

Margie: ...and Rydia, sans personality.

Luna: ...and Rinoa.

Margie: ...and all of "Magic Knight Rayearth".

(Luna shudders.)

Tifa
"...I don't really know... But she's the one I left Marlene with."

Barret
"Damn! Marlene!!"

Luna: You know, I feel bad for Marlene. I wouldn't want to be potty-trained by a big irritable dude with a gun-arm.

Margie: Yeah, but imagine Career Day. "This is my dad! He can kill people with his arm!"

Luna: This is true. And no more bullying. Ever.

(Barret runs to the exit of the playground, then stops and turns.)

Luna: (as Barret) Uh...where was I goin' again?

Barret
"Tifa. There ain't no turnin' back now."

(He exits. Tifa heads for the exit, stops and looks back over her shoulder... then exits. The scene fades.)

(The scene fades back in. Cloud is walking along the broken highway, away from the playground.)

Margie: (as Cloud, mumbling miserably) Girls I pretend to ignore get kidnapped... forced to dress in drag... And I didn't even get my action figures...

"Cloud!"

(He turns to see Barret and Tifa run up.)

Barret
"Take me to Marlene!"

Luna: ...Earthling.

Tifa
"You're going to help Aerith?"

Cloud
"Yeah.... But before that, there's something I want to know."

Luna: (as Cloud) How can sleeping in an inn cure poison?

Margie: (as Cloud) How can you fit eight Materia in a sword, when they look baseball-sized in the plot scenes?

Luna: (as Cloud) How can you survive the Great Glacier in that outfit?

Margie: (as Cloud) How do you spell "antidisestablishmentarianism"?

Tifa
"What's that?"

(Cloud takes a step forward.)

Cloud
"It's about the Ancients."

(The screen flashes white, as if lightning were striking, then goes completely black.)

Luna: The screen flashes white, as if Square didn't want to pay for a real effect, then goes completely black.

In my veins courses the blood of the Ancients. I am one of the rightful heirs to this planet!

Margie: (majestically) I, Earth, being of sound mind and body, do bequeath all my dirt and rocks to Sephiroth, my rightful heir...

(The screen goes white again... then we are back at the broken highway. Cloud looks down.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth...?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Marlene is Sephiroth? No, that can't be right...

(Cloud falls down. Tifa and Barret run to him.)

Luna: You mean falls down, or falls down?

Tifa
"Are you all right?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Oh, sure, I felt like doing this.

Barret
"Pull it together, man!"

(He rises. They all travel to Aerith's house.)

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa arrive at Aerith's house. Aerith's mother, Elmyra, is standing, facing the wall. They walk over to her.)

Elmyra
"Cloud...... wasn't it?"

Luna: Wasn't it what?

Margie: (singing) Wasn't it gooooood...wasn't he fiiiiine...

Luna: Nerd.

(She turns around.)

Elmyra
"It's about Aerith, isn't it?"

(Cloud bows his head.)

Luna: (as Cloud) O Lord, please bless this news I'm about to deliver...

Cloud
"...Sorry. The Shinra have her."

Elmyra
"I know. They took her from here."

Cloud
"They were here?"

Luna: (sarcastically) Nooooo, they were in Wutai, and they took her from here with their matter transference device. Moron!

Elmyra
"That's what Aerith wanted..."

Margie: (as Elmyra) She always dreamed of being kidnapped by a multinational megacorporation...

Cloud
"Why is Shinra after Aerith?"

Luna: She exceeds the state perkiness limit.

(Elmyra faces away.)

Elmyra
"Aerith is an Ancient. The sole survivor."

Margie: Sounds like a new James Brown nickname. The SOUUUUUUUUUUL Survivor!!

Barret
"...What did you say? But, aren't you her mother?"

Elmyra
"...Not her real mother. Oh... it must have been 15 years ago..."

Luna: (as Elmyra) Despite the fact that it was THE defining moment in my life, I can't remember exactly when it happened...

"...during the war. My husband was sent to the front. Some far away place called Wutai."

Margie: Foreshadowing And You: A Lesson in Scriptwriting.

(The camera pans up... Aerith's house disappears off the bottom of the screen, leaving only black.)

Luna: How much blacker can it get? None. No more black.

"One day, I went to the station because I got a letter saying he was coming home on leave."

Luna: He could've gone to Costa del Sol like all the other soldiers, but nooooo...

(The screen goes white. A train whistle blows, and we see the Sector 7 train station. A train is pulling into the station. The door opens, and bright light fills the screen. We see various people getting off, greeted by their families....)

Margie: Selphie, the Timber Owls, Cyan's wife...

(...Elmyra stands near, watching the people getting off... Then the train door closes. She walks, afraid, to the conductor, who shakes his head.)

Luna: Afraid? Now, you can get polygonal Lego people to emote a lot of things, but fear is not one of them.

(...She sits forlornly on the steps to the platform.)

My husband never came back.
I wonder if something happened to him?
No, I'm sure his leave was just canceled.

Margie: Yeah, by a beach bunny named Dawna in Costa del Sol.

I went to the station everyday. Then, one day..........

(The screen goes white... then we see a woman lying on the steps to the platform. A young girl is running around her, crying. Elmyra runs over and kneels by the woman. The young girl runs to her.)

Luna: (as the girl) Just finish it off, will you? I ran out of ammo!

You used to see this sort of thing a lot during the war.

Luna: (as Elmyra) Yeah, Midgar was crawling with orphaned psychic children from extinct races of supermen.

Her last words were, "Please take Aerith somewhere safe."
My husband never came back. I had no child. I was probably lonely. So I decided to take her home with me.

Luna: Completely disregarding that "safe" part, apparently.

(A train whistle sounds... the screen goes white, then fades to black.)

"Aerith and I became close very quickly. That child loved to talk. She used to talk to me about everything."

Margie: (as Elmyra) Life, love, Lifestream, nuclear physics...

(We are back at the living room, but some time past. Aerith as a young girl runs down the stairs, then trips on the rug. Elmyra rises from the table, helps her up, hugs her, then Aerith scampers out the front door. The living room disappears off the top of the screen.)

Luna: Thus Aerith embarked on a lifetime of scampering.

"She told me she escaped form some sort of research laboratory somewhere. And that her mother had already returned to the planet, so she wasn't lonely... and many other things."

Margie: (as Elmyra) Aliens, evil assassination plots, mind control devices...

(We are back at the living room, in the present.)

Luna: And bored out of our minds.

Barret
"Returned to the planet?"

Margie: Yeah, she didn't fit right.

Elmyra
"I didn't know what she meant. I asked if she meant a star in the sky."

Luna: As opposed to a star in somebody's back pocket?

"But she said it was this planet... She was a mysterious child in many ways."

Margie: (as Elmyra) What with all the cabalistic rituals and all.

Aerith
"Mom."

(Elmyra turns toward the stairs. The camera pans up, hiding Cloud and the others, then pans down again and they are gone. Aerith, as a young girl, runs down the stairs. Elmyra is speaking in the present.)

Aerith
"Please don't cry."

Luna: (as Aerith) This will only hurt a bit.

Elmyra
"Aerith just blurted that out all of a sudden. When I asked her if something had happened..."

Aerith
"Someone dear to you has just died."
"His spirit was coming to see you, but he already returned to the planet."

Elmyra
"At that time I didn't believe her."

Luna: Hello? She's the Psychic Kid™. You never mess with the Psychic Kid™.

(The living room disappears off the left side of the screen.)

Margie: I'm getting a little seasick.

Elmyra
"But..."

(It comes back, from the left. Elmyra is sitting at the table, holding her head in her hands. Her shoulders are hitching.)

Margie: Elmyra's shoulders catch a ride with a traveling circus, where, it is rumored, they met Barret's runaway shoulders and lived happily ever after.

Elmyra
"Several days later... We received a notice saying my husband had died..."

(It disappears to the right.)

Luna: What, the notice?

Elmyra
"...and that's how it was."
"A lot had happened, but we were happy. Until one day..."

(The living room reappears from the left. Tseng is in the living room with Elmyra.)

Luna: Tseng? THE Tseng? Doesn't he ever age?

Margie: Maybe he's related to Vincent.

Luna: Hmmm, long dark hair, stoic, in the Turks, overshadowed by comic relief...you may have a point there.

Tseng
"We want you to return Aerith to us. We've been saerching for her for a long time."

Margie: (as Tseng) Look, our name's on the label and everything.

(Aerith peeks out from behind Elmyra.)

Aerith
"No! Never!"

Tseng
"Aerith, you're a very special child. You are of special blood."
"Your real mother was an 'Ancient'."

Luna: (as Tseng) She was special.

Elmyra
"Of course I heard it. That she was an Ancient."

Tseng
"The Ancients will lead us to a land of supreme happiness."

Margie: (as Tseng) Disney World. We got lost on the interstate.

"Aerith will be able to bring happiness to all those in the slums."

Luna: (as Tseng) Despite our long history of crushing the people of the slums. Just trust me on this one, all right?

"That is why Shinra would like Aerith's cooperation......."

(Aerith comes out from behind Elmyra)

Aerith
"He's wrong! I'm not an Ancient! I'm not!"

Tseng
"But Aerith, surely you hear voices sometimes when you're all alone?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Uh...don't we all?

Aerith
"No, I don't!"

(Aerith runs out the front door. The living room disappears off the top right.)

(Both hosts raise their arms as if they're on a roller coaster.)

Elmyra
"But I knew. I knew about her mysterious powers..."
"She tried so hard to hide it, so I acted as though I never noticed."

Luna: The Gainsborough Guide to Parenting, Chapter 1: Avoid dealing with important issues, like whether your child is actually the last surviving member of an alien race.

(The living room, seen from the top down, comes back into view from the top.)

Cloud
"It's amazing how she's avoided the Shinra for all these years..."

Margie: Let's see, without Cloud: avoided Shinra. With Cloud: caught. Hmmmm...

Elmyra
"The Shinra needed her. So I guess they wouldn't harm her."

Tifa
"But, why now....."

Luna: That was backstory, this is plot.

Elmyra
"She brought a little girl here with her."

Margie: (as Elmyra) She said the father was off conquering the world, becoming a god or something - I didn't quite catch that part.

"On the way here, Tseng found them. She probably couldn't get away fast enough."
"She decided to go to the Shinra in exchange for the little girl's safety."

Cloud
"Must be Marlene."

Luna: Yeah, since she's the only little girl in Midgar.

Barret
"Marlene!! Aerith was caught because of Marlene!?"

Luna: Nooooo, Aerith was caught because she's the obligatory kidnap-ee of this game.

"I'm sorry. Marlene's my daughter. I'm ...really... sorry..."

Margie: (as Elmyra) I'm sorry too...for Marlene...

Elmyra
"You're her father!? How in the world could you ever leave a child alone like that!?"

Luna: This from a woman whose child was just kidnapped about half an hour ago.

Barret
"...please don't start with that. I think about it all the time. What would happen to Marlene, if I..."

Luna: (as Barret) ...stopped swearin' every other word...

"But you gotta understand somethin'... ...I don't got an answer. I wanna be with Marlene... But I gotta fight."

Luna: (as Barret) That's why I taught her kickboxing...Two birds with one stone, see?

"'Cause if I don't... the planet's gonna die."
"So I'm gonna keep fightin'!"
"But, I'm worried 'bout Marlene. I really just wanna be with her... always."

Margie: (singing) Alll-ways, I wanna be with you, and live in harmony, harmony...

"See? I'm goin' in circles, now."

Elmyra
"I think I understand what you're saying... She's upstairs asleep. Why don't you go and see her."

(Barret goes upstairs.)

Luna: (as Elmyra) Did either of you understand a word that guy said?

Tifa
"It's my fault... I was the one who got Aerith involved in this."

Elmyra
"Don't say that. Aerith doesn't think that."

Luna: (as Elmyra) Actually, she blames Cloud.

(Cloud goes upstairs, into the bedroom, where Barret is sitting with Marlene.)

Barret
"I'm so glad....... I'm so glad you're all right..."

Marlene
"Daddy, don't cry. Your whiskers hurt!"

Luna: And those two statements are related how?

Margie: No, see, they got it wrong. Aeris isn't the Mysterious Psychic Girl™. Marlene is going to grow up to be a superheroine. Her secret super identity is Madame Non Sequitur, Champion of Free Association. It all makes sense.

Luna: Where do you get this stuff?

Margie: Hey, read between the lines.

(Cloud leaves the bedroom. Barret stands.)

Luna: (as Barret) Enough sittin' around emotin'! I gotta go punch somebody!

Barret
"Cloud!"

(Cloud turns.)

Barret
"You gonna go help Aerith, right? She's done so much for me...."

Luna: Yeah, like getting your daughter kidnapped in the first place?

"If it's the Shinra you're dealin' with, I can't just sit here! I"m comin', too!"

(Marlene runs around Barret to Cloud.)

Marlene
"Guess what? Guess what? Aerith was asking me lots of questions."

Margie: (as Marlene) Like- like- what's the boiling point of mercury! And how do you spell cheese! It was fun!

"Like what kind of person Cloud is. I bet she likes you, Cloud!"

Cloud
"I don't know."

Marlene
"Stupid!"

Margie: (as Marlene) Who would like you? Tee hee!

(Cloud goes to leave.)

Tifa
"You're going after Aerith, right?"

Cloud
"Yeah."

Tifa
"I'm going with you."

Luna: In classic RPG form, for basically no reason.

Cloud
"We're going right into Shinra headquarters. ...You gotta be preapred for the worst."

Luna: Would you stop telling us to "be prepared"?! Geez, why doesn't the game just say "BUY POTIONS NOW" and get it over with?

Tifa
"I know."
"Right now, I feel I have to push myself to the limit."
"If I stayed here... I'll go crazy."

Luna: Awwwww, then you and Cloud would have something in common!

(Barret runs downstairs. He speaks to Elmyra.)

Barret
"Sorry, but can you take care of Marlene a bit longer?"

Margie: (as Barret) Like fifty-five hours, not counting Chocobo racing?

Elmyra
"Yes, I don't mind."

Luna: (as Elmyra) I'd just stand here saying the same thing over and over anyway.

Barret
"This place is dangerous now. You better go somewhere else."

Elmyra
"...You're right. But promise me that you'll come back to her. Don't get yourself killed."

Luna: 'Cause that's just not the Gainsborough thing to do.

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret leave Aerith's house and stand in the yard.)

Tifa
"How do we get to the Shinra Building?"

Barret
"There ain't no train that goes up there anymore..."

Margie: (as Barret) The workers just have to scale the pillars themselves. They got a huge turnover rate now.

"....."
"Well, let's just go to Wall Market. We might be able to find something there."

Margie: YEAH! More Cloud-bashing!

Luna: We should be so lucky.

13. Way Too Much Climbing

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret go to Wall Market. They go to the Weapon Shop and speak to the old man there.)

"You goin' up to the plate? You better have a battery."

Cloud
"You're gonna sell me something you just found?"

Luna: Right, Cloud, and I suppose you made all those All materia.

"Hey, you knew? But I repaired it, so it's all right."

Cloud
"Why do I need a battery to climb up to the plate?"

Margie: Why does that sound like an especially perverted metaphor?

Luna: Because you're twisted.

"You'll find out when you get there. How 'bout 100 Gil for each?"

Luna: Last night it paid for your hotel room; today it buys one battery. Inflation's a bitch, isn't it?

Cloud
"......."

Cloud
"All right, I'll take them."

(He gives you the Batteries.)

(They continue north. When they reach the Don's mansion, they see two children.)

"Wanna see something awesome? Follow me!"

Luna: (as a kid) Darn, she left. Hey mister, where's that girl with the huge...

(They follow the children to a large wall. A small girl is sitting at the base. There is a power line running up the wall.)

"Everyone climbed up this wire. Looks scary.... Brr."

Margie: More like "Bzzzt", I'd say...

Tifa
"Can we climb it?"

Luna: Hello? You're late-nineties RPG heroes, you can climb anything.

Margie: Despite the fact that you can only jump when dictated by the script.

"Yeah. It leads to the Upper World."

Margie: That's overworld, and no it doesn't.

Barret
"Awright! We'll climb this wire!"

Cloud
"There's no way we can do this. You know how far it goes up?"

Luna: Just far enough to be irritating.

Barret
"There IS a way! Look! What's that look like?"

Luna: A cheap bitmap background.

Cloud
"Just a normal wire."

Barret
"Oh yeah? Well to me it looks like a golden shiny wire of hope."

(They peer up the wall.)

(The hosts follow suit.)

Luna: (as Tifa) You've been drinking, haven't you.

Tifa
"You're right. This is the only way to save Aerith..."

Cloud
"Ok, that was a bad analogy, but, Barret, I understand how you feel."

Luna: (as Barret) Dude, it was a simile, not an analogy. Where the hell'd you go to school?!

"Let's go!"

(They climb the wire..... and climb..... and climb.... when they reach the top of the wall they see the two children from earlier, sitting on the top.)

Margie: How the heck did they get up there?

Luna: Knowing Cloud, there's a set of stairs just offscreen.

"Oh man! This is horrible..."

Luna: Trying to snare a shooter-jaded audience with these weak attempts at "action"...

"Hey, scary, huh? Dad told me that it's the Shinra's doing."

(They climb some more... scaling power lines, broken propellers, and pieces of debris, until they reach the top. The Shinra Building.)

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa arrive at the foot of the Shinra Building.)

Barret
"Hey, you oughta know this building well."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yep, delivered singing telegrams to darn near every room. (sighs wistfully)

Cloud
"......Not really, now that I think about it."
"This's the first time I've ever been to the Headquarters."

Luna: Thirty-second ban on "hindquarters" jokes. Begin: now.

Barret
"I heard about this place before."
"Every floor above the 60th is special and not easy to get to even for employees."
"Must be where they took Aerith."

Luna: Glad to see the old "evil tower" cliche is still holding in this age of robots and gunarms.

Margie: They can take the game out of the RPG, but they can't take the RPG out of the game.

"The security's pretty light now. Awright, let's go!!"

(Barret runs toward the door.)

Tifa
"Wait a second! You're not thinking of just going right through the main entrance, are you?"

Luna: (as Barret) Yeah, man, they never guard the front door, just the very top floor. Dunno why.

Barret
"Well what else does it look like!? I'm gonna kick some Shinra butt and......."

Margie: ...various other Shinra body parts.

Luna: (as Cloud) Woo! I got dibs on all the-

Margie: (as Tifa) Don't even think about it, spikey.

Tifa
"That's not going to work! We've got to find another way...."

Barret
"Ain't gonna be no other way! If we keep wastin' time like this, Aerith'll....."

Margie: (as Barret) ...redecorate the whole damn tower!

Tifa
"I know that! But if we get caught here...."

Luna: (as Tifa) Let me consult my wise and trusted advisor.

"Hey, Cloud. ...What should we do?"

Luna: Bust in.

Margie: Noooo! Gotta be the stairs.

Luna: No, they take forever! Let's just go.

Margie: Look. Fifty thousand stairs, or fifty thousand fights with those floating bendy saw-fish things. What'll it be?

Luna: (sighs) I hate when you're right.

Cloud
"Let's sneak in quietly."

Tifa
"See? Let's be careful and find a different route!"

(They go down a side alley and go through a door. Inside, they find... stairs.... Lots of them.... They start climbing.)

Margie: (as a gamer) No enemies! Dude, y'know, in the old days this whole thing would be filled with Behemoths. Games are so wussy nowadays.

Luna: Shush, look at the pretty graphics.

Margie: (as a gamer, dazed) Oooooh... graphics....

Barret "Yo... You really gonna take these stairs all the way up?"

Luna: No, they thought they'd go halfway up and then fly. Duh.

Tifa
"Well we've got to get to Aerith to help her somehow."

Luna: Heaven forbid she should help herself...

Barret
"Talk about out of the way..."

Tifa
"I don't have time to argue with you! I'm going!"

Barret
"Y, yo, Tifa! Don't go off alone!"

Margie: (as Barret) I'm, uh, I'm, uh...kinda 'fraid of the dark.

(They continue to climb... and climb.... They are climbing stairs throughout this whole conversation.)

Barret
"Don't know... why the hell... we gotta climb..."

Margie: ...because it's your job.

Cloud
"...because we don't want to start a commotion until we've saved Aerith."
"I doubt that's possible though..."

Luna: Yep, gotta have a fight scene. It's a law.

Margie: Anti-Xenogears Act #28, established 1999: No plot segment may last more than six minutes, on pain of death. Ending sequences and gratuitous shots up the heroine's skirt are exempt.

Barret
"...heh heh heh."

Cloud
"Knock it off. You're giving me the creeps."

Luna: For once, I agree with Spike Boy.

Barret
"So even you will fight for someone else. I had you figured wrong I guess."

Margie: (as Barret) Guess we won't need the waterproof sheets after all. Tifa, take 'em off the bar's inventory, willya?

Cloud
"Who cares what you figured!"

Barret
"I'm just sayin' mebbe I was wrong..."

Tifa
"Heh heh heh......."

Luna: Aghhh! The creepy laugh is contagious! This is just weird.

Cloud
"What's that supposed to mean, Tifa?"

Margie: (as Tifa) It's a wordless exclamation representing mild amusement. Like, duh.

Barret
"How much farther do these stairs go on?"

Tifa
"Why don't you ask them?"

Margie: Now, if fifty thousand of these stairs can tell only the truth, and the other fifty thousand can only lie...

Barret
"It's not one of them endless stairways or somethin', d'ya think?"

Margie: (singing) There's a lady who knows that her sidekick's a clone, and she's cliii-mbing a stairway to Shinra....

Tifa
"Of course not!!"

Barret
"Right... couldn't be that...."

Barret
"Are we there yet?"

Tifa
"Not yet."

Luna: (as Barret) #$*(&#$ man, keep your hands on your own side!

Margie: (as Cloud) Tifa, he's yellin' at me! He said a bad word!

Barret
"...there yet?"

Tifa
"I said not yet!"

Luna: (as Tifa) One more peep out of you two, and we're turning these stairs around and going home!

Barret
"Yo..."

Tifa
"Look, don't even ask! We're way way way way far away from being there, ok!?"

Luna: Wow, she knew all of that? That was one eloquent "yo".

Barret
"Damn, man! I've had it! I'm going back!"

Tifa
"And take just as long going down as you did coming up?"

Margie: Nope, universal rule of dungeon warping. You never have to climb back out.

Barret
"............."

(Barret stops to rest, panting.)

Tifa
"C'mon, Barret. Pull it together!"

Barret
"Yeah, well all I know is I'm just flesh 'n' blood.... 'cept for this arm of mine."
"Don't treat me like I'm some ex-member of SOLDIER or somethin'........"

Tifa
"What about me!? I'm human too! Oh, do what you want, I'm going on!"

Luna: (as Tifa) I'm flesh and blood too, except for these... oh, never mind.

(She pauses.)

Margie: (as Tifa) Ummm...where were we going, again?

Tifa
"......?"
"Yaah! Barret! You go first!"

Barret
"What're ya ignorant? I didn't mean that..."

Tifa
"All right, all right!"

(Barret goes on.)

Tifa
"Cloud, you go on ahead too!!"

(Cloud goes ahead.)

Luna: And...exactly what was the point of that last part?

Margie: I think they just had a big bunch of lines left over, so they just stuck 'em all together and acted like it made sense.

Luna: Hm. Maybe. (pause) Or Tifa finally realized they were looking at her butt the whole time.

Margie: But that's so unpoetic.

Barret
"Yo... What floor is this?"

Tifa
"...I gave up counting."

Barret
"Why they gotta build these buildings so damn tall?"
"That Shinra.... They're just no damn good."

Luna: (as Barret) Yeah! Them 'n their modern architecture!

Tifa
"........."

Barret
"huff.... Man, I'm beat..."
"Marlene, Daddy wanted to see your face one more time..."

Margie: Little does he know that after being left in control of the Seventh Heaven bar, Marlene orchestrated her rise to power as the mysterious Marlfioso. The insidious influence of the Marlfia spread throughout the city, and, after the destruction of their home base in Sector Seven, Marlene was last seen in her secret office in Kalm. "The Godkid", as she's often called in lesser circles, is still feared across the nation.

Luna: (pauses) ...Do they pay you to do that?

Tifa
"Would you stop acting like a retard and climb?"
"It's just a bit more!"
"...maybe."

(They reach the top floor.)

Luna & Margie: FINALLY!

Barret
"F... finally... M... made it..."
"N... never wanna see... no more stairs the rest of my life..."

Luna: Given that this is still, after all, a Final Fantasy game, how likely is that?!

Tifa
"huff... puff... this really takes it out of you..."
"But this is it. We'd better get ready...!"

(They enter the door at the top of the stairs...)

Luna: Aaaand time for us to exit the door at the back of the room. Pause it.

(Fade to black.)

(Fade up on the room, dimly; the computer is still visible, showing a blank black screen, but most of the rest of the room is covered with a purple velvet curtain. Luna wanders into the room.)

Luna: What the...?

(A pleasant, neutral voice comes out of nowhere.)

Disembodied Voice: Tonight's presentation will begin in one minute. Please have a seat.

Luna: Presentation?? What the HE-

Disembodied Voice: (interrupting) I SAID sit down! (Luna sighs and plops into the one visible chair.) Thank youuuuu.

(The lights dim, leaving only the dim glow of the computer screen. The pleasant voice continues)

Disembodied Voice: Enjoy the show. (Luna groans.)

(In the background, a gentle, rippling guitar-and-flute intro begins, recognizable to many as "Stairway to Heaven". Zoom in on the computer monitor, which flickers to life. In the bottom left corner, there is a small block of text:)
Chocobo Herd
"Stairway to Shinra"
Songs from Under the Pizza
Margie Productions

(FMV. The scene is of a beautiful field of grass, rippling in slow motion and slightly out of focus. We see Tifa running toward Cloud, her arms outstretched. Then Cloud galloping through the grass toward her, as well. Then Aerith, running toward Cloud. Then Zack, running toward Aerith. A solo voice sings in the background...)

(singing) There's a lady who knows
That her sidekick's a clone
And she's climbing a stairway to Shinra...

(Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, and Zack crash into each other in the middle of the field. Tifa shoves Aerith backwards; Aerith's arms pinwheel in slow motion as she catches her balance. The singing continues in the background.)

(singing) When she gets there, she knows
That their cover is blown
And they'll have a gratuitous fight scene

(Aerith regains her balance and whomps Tifa over the head with her Guard Stick.)

(singing) Ooooo-ooo-ooh, and they're climbing a stairway to Shinra

(Tifa lunges for Aerith's throat. They go down in a scrabbling heap in the grass, clawing and punching in slow motion.)

(singing) There's a guard at the door, and the sixtieth floor
Starts a series of annoying puzzles
And on old sixty-two, Domino will help you
But he sends you on some pointless errand

(A short, flute-and-guitar solo begins, the sound growing slightly louder. Aerith and Tifa are still rolling around in the grass in a full-out fight, screaming silently. Cut to Zack and Cloud, who are cheering them on in slow motion, whistling and pumping their fists in the air.)

(singing) Oooh, and it makes us wonder
Ooooooooooh, makes us wonder

(Tifa struggles free of the fracas, gets up, and sees the guys standing there cheering. She punches Cloud with a vicious right hook. Cloud reels backwards. Aerith staggers to her feet and starts laughing.)

(singing) There's a gym of a sort on floor sixty-four
With pointless amusement aplenty
And dumb Cloud left alone Cait Sith's best megaphone
Though we saw it back in the instructions

(Still FMV, still slow-motion. Zack stops cheering and looks confused, then laughs as well. Cloud hauls off and whacks him in the head.)

(singing) Oooh, and it makes us wonder
Ooooooooooh, makes us wonder

(The four of them launch into an all-out war in the grass, becoming a tangle of flailing limbs and feet.)

(singing) And we heard Shinra's fix on floor sixty-six
Leave the slums, blame our heroes, and tax them
And then nobody cheered when Hojo appeared
And he told of experiments shady

(The cat/dogfight escalates.)

(singing) Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa

(In the background music, the drums start, and the song speeds up a bit. In the FMV, the ground starts shaking faintly.)

(singing) If you get bored out of your head here, you're not alone, now
It's driven players mad for ages
Just hang on, it gets even duller, a bit later
Northern Crater makes you want to scream

(Shaking grows stronger. The slow-motion fight continues. Cloud's hair spike is bent, Tifa is biting Zack's arm, and Aerith's Guard Stick is broken in half.)

(singing) And it makes us wonder
Ahhhhh-whooooa...

(The music grows a bit louder. A cloud of dust is visible on the horizon.)

On sixty-seven lives old Hojo, and in his freak show
There is a strange sort of red thing
Well yes, it tried to run down Aerith, but it was done with
A motive of its escaping him

(The guitars burst out in a big, kick-ass rock'n'roll solo, as the song speeds up and turns into full-on rock mode. In the FMV, four chocobos gallop into the scene, ridden by Sephiroth, Vincent, Yuffie, and Cid. The chocobos stampede through the catfight.)

(singing/screaming) And in a creepy tank, aglow
With pinkish light that may be Mako
There is an alien, we know her
As Sephy's so-called mom, Jenova
And headless though she is, she bails
Once Shinra throws us into jail
And Sephy-clone leaves his blood trail
And causes Prez to be impaled, yeah
But they get Aerith and they saiiiiiiiiiiiil...

(The riders reach down to grab people out of the fighting mob: Yuffie snags Cloud, Sephiroth grabs Zack, Vincent picks up Aerith, and Cid gets Tifa. They are slung over their respective chocobos' backs and ride off as the music crashes back into a slow, dreamy coda.)

(singing) And they're cli-imbing a staiiiiirway... to Shiiin-raaa...

(The chocobo riders ride off into the sunset. The credits appear again:)
Chocobo Herd
"Stairway to Shinra"
Songs from Under the Pizza
Margie Productions

(The monitor fades to black. There is a full ten seconds of silence.)

Luna: Okay. What the HELL just happened?

(She stands up, flicks the lights on, and pulls the purple curtain back. She uncovers Margie, holding a guitar and looking a bit embarrassed.)

Margie: Hi. Told ya I was going to do a song. (She grins.)

Luna: But... (She can't seem to find something to say. Finally, strangled) B-but a video?! When did you get the time to do a full-motion CG video?!

Margie: (carelessly) Oh... when you were in the bathroom. (shrugs)

Luna: I- eh- b- er- oh...forget it. Game on. (She drops the curtain, looking suspicious. Fade to black.)

14. The Shinra Building: Weird Puzzles and Crap

(Fade back in on the regular, silhouetted room.)

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret reach the 59th floor of the Shinra building. Three guards see them)

"Destroy the intruders!"

Margie: (in choppy robot voice) In-Truder! In-Truder! Danger! Danger!

(Battle sequence)

(Cloud spots a tiny card on the floor where the guards had stood.)

Cloud
"What's this?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Heyyyyy, 10% off my next purchase at the He-Girl Hefty Boutique! Whoo!

Luna: You know.... Cloud never did take that makeup off, did he?

Margie: Nope. (pauses; craftily) Actually...

Luna: Ohhhh no.

Margie: Think about it. If he had his regular clothes on right under the dress, which we saw when he took the dress off... where was that fancy underwear?

Luna: Auuuuughhh! I refuse to think about it. I refuuuuuse to think about it. (Margie snickers.)

(He stoops and picks up the Keycard 60. They enter the elevator to the 60th floor.)

Barret
"This is the real thing. Don't let your guard down."

Margie: Yeah, he's really counting on you.

Tifa
"I hope Aerith is all right."

(FMV sequence of a guard asleep at the surveillance system. They exit the elevator onto the 60th floor. They see two guards.)

"People like you don't belong here! Go on, get out!"

Margie: (as a guard) Yeah, you freaks with your unique polygons and your individualized names!

"What're you doing here!? No unauthorized people are allowed here!!"

(They duck into a side room. They see four guards on patrol.)

Barret
"Lookit that, all them guards is runnin' around."

Margie: (as Barret) Yeah...ain't they cute?

"Cloud, you go on ahead and signal us when it's safe to come."

(The guards are patrolling behind a row of statues, for some reason...)

Luna: Look, five years ago the guards would have been patrolling statues. Calm down.

(...Cloud hides behind each statue, moving forward when the guards look away. He signals the others to follow. The PLAYER controls this. If they are spotted, they fight a battle and start over....)

Luna: The PLAYER has a temper tantrum.

(...They make their way past the guards.)

Barret
"Ok! We gonna rock!"

Luna: I want to see that line untranslated. Just once.

Tifa
"Remember, we're here to save Aerith."

Barret
"Hell, I know that!"

Margie: (as Barret) Damn, woman, every line of yours says somethin' about it, how d'you think I'd forget?

(They climb the stairs to the 61st floor. It is an employee lounge.)

People on the 61st floor

"What's keeping her? Did she forget her keycard?"

Luna: Suuuuuure, buddy, keep telling yourself that.

Margie: Yep. Couldn't be your bad breath or your dull dinner conversation. Gotta be the keycard.

"Even employees can't walk around above the 60th floor without a keycard.."

"This is the lounge floor. Above us are the special floors for the big wigs in the company."

"It's tough working under someone. Tires you out."

(Margie bursts out laughing.)

Luna: I know what you're thinking! No!

Margie: Oh come on, just one joke?

Luna: No!!

"I thought I heard a ruckus downstairs a minute ago. Do you know what that was all about?"

"No idea. But no need to worry because everything above the 60th floor is safe."

Luna: (as a Shinra employee) Apart from the killer robots, of course.

"The hell are you? What're you doin' around here?"

Cloud
".........."

Margie: (as Cloud) And in conclusion, .......!

"Oh, I see. So you must be the whatcha call it..."

Luna: (as a Shinra employee) RPG hero.

"Shinra, Inc. Repair Division!!"

Luna: We never heard about that one before.

Margie: Oh, sure. President Shinra, Vice-President Rufus, Reeve of Urban Planning, Heidegger of Public Safety, Palmer from the Space Program, Scarlet the Weapons head, Hojo the head of Science....... and Fred, illustrious head of the Repair Division.

Luna: (dubiously) Uh...huh. I see.

"You know, it looks like this building is starting to fall apart."
"This door was just pushed open. You ought to fix this right away."

Margie: (as a Shinra employee) Yeah, the dumb thing should give up a good fight first. It's no fun this way.

"Oh yeah, and take a look on the other floors too. I'll give you this."

(He gives you the Keycard 62.)

"I don't remember seeing your face here. You new here?"
"Say, you're cute. Let me teach you some... things."

Cloud
"Things?"

"Wipe that stupid look off your face. I was only going to teach you how to get to the next floor."

Luna: (as Cloud) Woo-hoo!

Margie: (as a Shinra employee) I didn't mean it that way either!!

"The higher ups in the company use the floors above the 60th floor. But you can't get there without a keycard."
"Get a keycard and you can use the elevators freely."

*ding*

Margie: Cloud's secret talent "Stupid Look" opened up!

Luna: Make that his not-so-secret talent.

"...voila! You hear that sound and the door opens."
"Just remember there are different types of cards. One keycard won't let you go everywhere."
"For example,
"'Keycard 60' only takes you to the 60th floor. 'Keycard 65' only takes you to the 65th floor."

Margie: (as a Shinra employee) And of course, you can get your kicks with Card 66.

"It's a security system worthy of Shinra. After all, all the power in Midgar and the world, for that matter, is controlled by them."
"Oh, I have to go. Gotta get back to work!"

Luna: Work? So far we've seen about three offices in this entire building. The rest is all weird puzzles and crap.

(They go up to the 62nd floor. It's the Mayor's floor. There are four rooms, full of bookshelves....)

Luna: ...with one book in each shelf, in true RPG style...

(...Standing outside the Mayor's office is Hart.)

Margie: Hart to- or Wolfram and-?

Hart
"How do you do?"
"This is the Midgar Mayor's Office. Mayor Domino is in his office."
"I am the Deputy Mayor. If you should have any questions feel free to ask me..."

Luna: Okay, here's one: Why all the damn puzzles? Why not just check everybody's ID at the door? Geez.

Margie: Oh, and how do they keep the killer robots and monsters and stuff on their designated floors? Do they have electric fences between the floors? And how do they get them up there in the first place? Do they get keycards, too?

(They enter the office.)

Domino
"Hmm? Oh, and who might you be?"
"You all must be those... ahem.... Me? I'm Domino, the Mayor of Midgar."

Margie: (as Domino) Puzzles solved in 30 minutes or your building's free!

"Actually, I'm Mayor in name only. The city and everything in it is really run by Shinra, Inc."
"My only real job is watching over Shinra's documents..."
"Me! The Mayor! A librarian! Ohh......."

Margie: (singing) Dooooooo-mino! Mister libraaaaaaa---rio? No, that doesn't work...

"You want to get upstairs? I tell you what, if you can guess the password, I'll give you my keycard."
"Yes, that's it. Guess the password and I'll give you my keycard!"
"Get it on the first try and I'll even throw in a special item!"

Luna: (as Domino) Breadsticks!!

(Now the PLAYER must solve a puzzle.)

Margie and Luna: (gasping in mock surprise) Noooooooo!!

Hart
"Did you speak with the Mayor?"
"What? A password? Oh, I get it..."

Margie: (as Hart) Like a safe word, y'know, so he knows to stop with the chains and... errr... never mind.

"He's got way too much time on his hands. But you can't really blame him. Everything in Midgar is controlled by President Shinra."
"Maybe I can help you."

(Hart will offer help in the puzzle, but it costs money. You won't need it, since I'm going to tell you how to solve it!)

Margie: Hallelujah! Our prayers are answered!

Luna: Get on with it!

Domino
"Got it?"
"Then tell me."

Margie: (as Domino, melodramatically) TELL me you love me, darling! I simply can't stand it anymore!!

(Cloud tells him the password. This time it was BEST, your results may vary - it's random each time, so don't just choose BEST.)

Luna: A special note for the idiots among us.

Domino
"BEST!!"
"God, I love the sound of that! BEST!! I AM the best..... ME!! No matter what anyone else says, you'd better believe it."

Luna: Domino, the Jolly Megalomaniac!

"......hmm. Well, ok. Here, take it."

(He gives you Keycard 65.)

Margie: (singing) Da ba dee da ba dah...

Domino
"I never thought you'd get it on the first try..."
"Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover. Oh well, a promise is a promise. Take this, too."

(He gives you Elemental Materia.)

Margie: Which, once it's mastered, will call you a surface-dwelling worm and develop an inexplicable rivalry with your girlfriend.

Domino
"Why would I do something like this, you ask?"
"To mess with them, of course! Shinra's been torturing me forever."
"That's why I was a little rough on you all just now. Now go up there and really make them suffer."
"This ought to make us even! Heh heh heh....."

Margie: (as Cloud) Dude, you have to meet my friend Aerith, she'd just love you.

(They go to the 63rd floor, a maze of doors and ventilation pipes. They go to a computer terminal in the corner.)

"... beep....beep.... ......verifying key card..... ...................."
"Lever B employee: verified. You are permitted to open doors on this floor up to three times."
"blip... If you receive an item coupon, remember to exchange it for an item."

Luna: Noooo. If you receive an item coupon, exchange it for a weekend in Costa del Sol. Morons!

"...warning... refrain from entering the air conditioning ducts recklessly - they are very dangerous."

Luna: And exactly how is this useful in a modern office building?

Margie: Screw cubicles, we want pipe mazes!

(They mess around with the doors awhile and enter the ducts, of course, until they get the three item coupons. They go back to the terminal.)

"...bing... bing... Enter command"

Luna: Get us out of here NOW!

Cloud
[chooses] Coupon Change

"You can exchange your coupons for items. Here are the items you can have..."
"A coupon.....'Star Pendant
B coupon.......'Four Slots'
C coupon.......'All Materia'"
"Please use caution... once you have exchanged coupons for items you may not use 'All Clear' function."
"Exchange coupon?"

Cloud
"Yeah."

Luna: I don't think I've ever seen the option "Yeah" on a computer terminal.

Margie: "Whoa, like, your system is crashing and stuff! Screw it, Do-over, Give up?"

"..................... Coupon exchange complete."

(You get the three items.)

Luna: (deadpan) Whee.

(They go up to the 64th floor, the employee gym.)

People on the 64th floor

"...huff...puff... If you're tired, you should get some rest in the next room."

"...huff...wheeze... I'm starting to worry about my belly....."

Margie: (as Shinra guy) You know, I always told it to try hard in school, but now it's not making anything of itself in the world... (sighs)

"Hmph, hmph... Since I'm head of security for this building, stamina's very important to me."

"You must be a visitor. Please feel free to use any unused machines."

Luna: Um, so what was all that about "unauthorized people" and "nobody can just walk around the upper floors, even employees"?

"...zzz... Please... let me.... get some..... rest......"

[vending machine]
"Take one to restore your energy!! 'Shinra Gym Special Drink'"
"Only 250 gil!!"

Luna: Over TWICE what it costs for a freakin' car battery in Wall Market!

Cloud
"Try it out."

(The machine makes noise.)

Cloud
"...Nothing..."

[after putting in money]

"......."

Cloud
"Is it broken?'"

Cloud
"BANG on it!"

(Cloud slams the machine....)

Margie: (as Cloud) Your corners are too square! And that paint job looks awful! I bet you can't even vend drinks right!

(...The receptionist runs over.)

"Sir, what are you doing!? No violence here, please!"

Luna: Yeah, didn't you see the sign?

[treadmill]
Cloud
"........"

[a locker]
Cloud
"What is this..... a Megaphone?"
"Hanging on to this won't do any good..."

Margie: (in a hollow, booming voice) Don't do it, Cloud!

Luna: (likewise) Turn back! You could make Cait Sith a usable character!

(They go to the 65th floor, where they solve a tedious puzzle....)

Luna: Here?!? Nooooo!

(...There are several treasure chests, but only one is open. You must find the unlocked one, get the Midgar Piece from it, and place it in a hole in a large model of Midgar. You are being attacked the whole time, BTW....)

Margie: By very polite monsters with keycards.

(...If you want the chest sequence, it's 2nd from top on left, 3rd from top on left, top right corner, top left, bottom left. The Keycard 66 is in the chest by the stairs. Cloud examines the model at the far left, where Sector 6 would be.)

Cloud
"Midgar.... born from Mako energy which was sucked right out of the earth. A model of the city...."
"When construction of Sector 6 finishes, Shinra's plan will be complete."

Luna: Ooooh yeah, that sounds like our boy Cloud, all right.

Margie: (as Cloud) And through the stormy wrack of the tortured sky, shot with bilious green, echoes a faint peal of thunder... um, and stuff.

"That must be why he took Aerith...."

(They go to the 66th floor. A secretary passes them on the way up)

"Whew, I'm so sick of carrying all these files."
"But I get to meet lots of guys. I guess that's the benefit of being a secretary!"

Luna: If you ever feel like joining us, Square, the twentieth century is THIS way.

People on the 66th floor

".........................
.........................
.........................
.........................
.........................
.........................
"Phew!"

"Is it just me or does the Conference Room smell? There's some sort of stench coming from somewhere...."

Luna: Oh, come on. You can't tell me you're surprised. Have you seen most of Shinra?!

"Hey, when you're in the bathroom, do you ever hear whispers coming from somewhere?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Sure, man, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in Mako reactors, in sleazy love hotels, out on the street...

"They're having another executive meeting. I wonder if it's about that Plate incident."

Margie: Yeah, Heidegger and Palmer got into this HUGE fistfight over who got the last piece of the Shrimp Combo Plate at the Shinra Cafe. Total chaos.

"It gives me the feeling that I AM alive. The feeling of moving this world, just with my hands."

Luna: Ummm...yeah, I'd hope it was with your hands. Otherwise I'd be quite disturbed.

"Come on, we're building the future of Mako!"

(They enter the bathroom.)

Cloud
"Climb up?"

Luna: Who are you asking?

(They climb up into the ventilation duct above the toilet. It leads to above the Conference Room, which would explain the smell in there.)

[In the duct above the Conference Room.....]

(They crouch above the vent. Through the slats, they see President Shinra and other employees sitting at a long table in the Conference Room.)

Barret
"Geez--! That's a lotta suits!"

Margie: (as Barret) 'N they have people in 'em and stuff too! I seen it!

(They watch...)

Reeve
"We have the damage estimates for Sector 7."
"Considering those factories we already set up and all the investments, the damage is estimated at approximately 10 Billion gil..."

(The camera changes; we are now looking at the table head-on.)

Reeve
"The estimated cost to rebuild Sector 7 is..."

Margie: (as Reeve) ...almost competitive with our annual corporate shrimp-plate budget.

Luna: (as everybody else) Noooooo!

President Shinra
"We're not rebuilding."

Reeve
"What?"

President Shinra
"We're leaving Sector 7 as it is."

Margie: (as President Shinra) You know, sort of a postmodern deconstructionist commentary on Midgar society. That, or we're just selfish jerks. Hahahahaha.

"And restarting the Neo-Midgar plan."

Reeve
"...then the Ancients?"

President Shinra
"The Promised Land will soon be ours."
"I want you to raise the Mako rates 15% in every area."

(Palmer, a fat, bald, guy, jumps up and down.)

Luna: Yes, hard to believe: a fat bald guy in Shinra.

Palmer
"Rate hike! Rate hike! Tra, la, la! And please include our Space Program in the budget!"

Luna: Whoa, dude! Nooooo more espresso for the Space Program.

President Shinra
"Reeve and Scarlet will divide the extra income from the rate increase."

(Palmer sits down.)

Palmer
"Oh man!"

(We are looking down from above again.)

Margie: (as Cloud, whispering) You know, from this angle, you can just about see down Scarlet's...

Luna: (as Tifa, whispering) Do I have to knock the daylights out of you again?

Reeve
"Sir, if you raise the rates, the people will lose confidence..."

President Shinra
"It'll be all right."
"The ignorant citizens won't lose confidence, they'll trust Shinra, Inc. even more."

Luna: (grandly) They transcend the barriers of logic itself!

Heidegger
"Ha ha ha!"
"After all, we're the ones who saved Sector 7 from AVALANCHE!"

Barret
"That dirty #$*$^"

Luna: So...that's the only reason they changed camera angles, for that one line?

Margie: Yep. Very eloquent, doncha think?

(We are looking at the table head-on again. Hojo enters the Conference Room.)

President Shinra
"Hojo. How's the girl?"

(Hojo turns his head.)

Margie: (as Hojo) Girl? You are so asking the wrong person.

Hojo
"As a specimen, she is inferior to her mother. I'm still in the process of comparing her to her mother, Ifalna, but for now the difference is 18%."

Luna: You know, Hojo may be a jerk... but if my parents named me after a chain of cheap restaurants, I'd have an attitude problem too.

President Shinra
"How long will the research take?"

Hojo
"Probably 120 years. It's probably impossible to finish in our lifetime. Or in the lifetime of the specimen too, for that matter."

(Hojo turns away from the table.)

Hojo
"That's why we're thinking of breeding her. Then we could create one that would withstand our research for a long time."

Luna: You know, every plan of Hojo's comes down to breeding, doesn't it? I think somebody needs a membership to the Honey Bee Inn...

Margie: What, and expose innocent sex workers to sweet Hojo lovin'? Blargh. (shudders)

President Shinra
"What about the Promised Land? Won't it hinder our plans?"

Hojo
"That's what I need to plan. The mother is strong... and yet has her weaknesses."

Luna: The script is specific...and yet vague.

(We are looking down from the duct again.)

President Shinra
"That concludes our meeting."

(The employees dissemble. Scarlet pauses and looks up.)

Margie: Dissemble? "We're all concealing our disappointment that the meeting's over. Really."

Scarlet
"Something stinks..."

(She leaves. Cloud looks up.)

Cloud
"They were talking about Aerith... right?"

Luna: What, the stinking part? Geez, Cloud, what a gentleman.

Barret
"I dunno."

Tifa
"Probably."

Luna: And what a friend!

Cloud
"Let's follow 'em."

(They exit the duct and land back in the toilet....)

Margie: Sploosh.

(...They exit the bathroom and come around a corner. They spot Hojo.)

Cloud
"Hojo... huh...?"

Luna: Yeeeees, they had a long character-establishing scene back there. Weren't you paying attention?

(Hojo climbs the stairs to the 67th floor. They follow.)

15. The Shinra Building II: The Hojo Show

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret follow Hojo to the 67th floor of the Shinra building.)

Barret
"I remember him."

Margie: (singing with French accent) Ah yes, I remember it well...

"That Hojo guy. He's in charge of the Shinra's Science Department. Cloud, don't you know him?"

Cloud
"This is the first time I've actually ever seen him. So... that's what he looks like..."

Luna: Yep. "Weasel" pretty much covers it.

(They follow Hojo to a dreary laboratory....)

Luna: As opposed to those happy, fun laboratories you always hear about.

(...A red, lionlike creature is imprisoned in a glass tube, sitting apathetically in the far corner....)

Luna: Geometry lesson for today: Cylinders have no corners!

(...They hide behind a crate, just in time to avoid an employee who enters the room.)

"Is this today's specimen?"

Luna: (as Hojo) Actually, it's yesterday's specimen. There was some left over.

Margie: (as the employee) Aw man, leftovers again?!

Luna: (as Hojo) You'll eat it and like it, mister!

Hojo
"Yes. We're starting right away. Raise it to the upper level."

(The employee leaves. Hojo places his hand on the glass.)

Hojo
"My precious specimen..."

(He stands there for a while, then exits. Cloud, Tifa, and Barret come out of hiding. Tifa goes to the creature.)

Margie: (as Tifa) Hi, um, buy me a drink? Heehee!

Luna: (as Cloud) No, Tifa. No. Bad.

Tifa
"Precious specimen...?"
"Is it going to be used for a biological experiment?"

Luna: Seeing as we're in a laboratory and all, I thought it was here so all the scientists could take pony rides. Stupid!

(Cloud turns. He sees a metal dome, with a single door. There is a window in the door, through which shines bright purple light.)

Margie & Luna: PINK!

Cloud
"Jenova..."

Margie: (as Cloud, sighing) Sweet Jenova...

(He peers into the window and sees a strange, white, female being. Her head has apparently been removed rather violently...)

Luna: Uh... as opposed to being peacefully decapitated?

(...Cloud backs away and clutches his head. A high-pitched whine reverberates through the room, or perhaps only Cloud's head, and he collapses to the floor. Tifa and Barret run over.)

Cloud
"Jenova... Sephiroth's... So... they've brought it here."

Luna: (as Cloud) That...sound...effect....

Tifa
"Cloud, be strong!"

Luna: Tifa, be tasteful!

Cloud
"Did you see it?"

Barret
"See what?"

Margie: (as Cloud) "Death Bustier Amazons from Hell". Great flick.

Cloud
"It's moving........ still alive?"

(Barret looks into the window.)

Margie: (as Barret) Sayyyyy...

Luna: Cut it out before I get a bucket of cold water.

Barret
"Where's its $#&*&@ head? This whole thing's stupid. Let's keep goin'."

(Cloud gets up. They continue, futher into the lab, reaching an elevator. They enter and climb to the 68th floor.)

Luna: They take the elevator and still have to climb to the 68th floor? Why bother with the elevator, then?

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa arrive on the 68th floor. It is a research lab, more advanced than that on the 67th floor. There is a glass tube like that on the 67th. Near the glass tube is Hojo. Inside the glass tube is Aerith.)

Luna: Beside the glass tube is our hero. Above the glass tube are more Shinra. Outside the glass tube are the players. Hi, players. (The hosts wave.)

Cloud
"Aerith!"

Margie: (as Aerith) Damn, about TIME you guys got here.

Hojo
"Aerith? Oh, is that her name? What do you want?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Well, Tifa wants a brain, Barret wants a heart, and I want some c-c-c-courage.

Cloud
"We're taking Aerith back."

Hojo
"Outsiders....."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yep, that's me. Run with the rebels and, uh, stuff.

Barret
"Shoulda noticed it earlier, you..."

Hojo
"There's so many frivolous things in this world."

Margie: (as Hojo) Life...love...leftovers...proper hygiene...Eughhh.

(Cloud and Barret move forward.)

Hojo
"Are you going to kill me? I don't think you should."

Luna: (as Hojo) You need a villain everyone can hate; Sephiroth's too damn pretty.

"The equipment here is extremely delicate. Without me, who could operate it? Hmm?"

Cloud
"Ugh."

Margie: (as Cloud) It's called soap, dude. Operate that.

Hojo
"That's right. I recommend you think things out logically before you make any rash moves."
"Now, bring in the Specimen!"

(The red creature from the 67th floor is lifted into the tube. Cloud, Barret, and Tifa run to the tube. The creature twitches its tail. Aerith runs to the glass.)

Aerith
"Cloud, help!"

Margie: (as Aerith, panicked) How can a cat take me to the prom? And I don't think he even has a cool car!

(Cloud turns to Hojo.)

Cloud
"What do you think you're doin'?"

Luna: (as Hojo) What does it look like? I'm being evil.

Hojo
"Lending a helping hand to an endangered species... Both of them are on the brink of extinction..."
"If I don't help, all these animals will disappear."

Tifa
"...animal? That's terrible! Aerith is a human being!"

Barret
"You're gonna pay!"

Margie: (as Aerith) Yeah, my rate is double for sub work!

Cloud
"Barret! Can't you do anything?"

(Barret aims his gun at the tube.)

Barret
"Awright!! Step back!"

Hojo
"Stop!"

(Barret fires at the tube. The inside of the tube glows a brilliant white as it malfunctions....)

Luna & Margie: Ooooh. Ahhh. (They applaud.)

(....Hojo runs to the tube.)

Hojo
"Wh... what are you do-- Oh! My precious specimens..."

Margie: (as Hojo, sobbing dramatically) Rocky!!

(The tube glows brighter. The door opens... the light dims, and we see the red creature poised in the door. It leaps forward and starts attacking Hojo.)

Luna & Margie: Whooooo!

Luna: Although he appears to be ripping out Hojo's jugular, no jugulars are actually ripped.

Cloud
"Now's our chance to get Aerith!"

(Cloud runs into the tube and helps Aerith up from the floor.)

Aerith
"Thanks. Cloud."

Luna: Um, forget about Barret, who actually did something.

(She runs out of the tube, which starts to glow a dull blue. Cloud backs out of the tube.)

Tifa
"Cloud... what's wrong?"

Cloud
"...The elevator is moving."

(Hojo pulls himself out from under the red creature.)

Luna: See? Perfectly fine.

Hojo
"This is no ordinary specimen. This is a very ferocious specimen!"

(It turns away from Hojo and sits.)

"He's rather strong. I'll help you all out."

Margie: (as Red) Refusing would be illogical.

Tifa
"It talked!?"

"I'll talk as much as you want later, Miss."

Luna: Geez, even the nonhumans are hitting on Tifa.

(Cloud runs out of the tube and to the creature.)

Cloud
"We'll take care of that monster."
"Somebody take Aerith somewhere safe..."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...or something...

Cloud
Barret, take care of her!

(Barret and Aerith run out.)

Cloud
"What's your name?"

Red
"Hojo has named me, Red XIII. A name with no meaning whatsoever to me. Call me whatever you wish."

Margie: (as Tifa) Oooh! Oooh! Can I call him Fluffy?!

(The PLAYER names Red XIII)

Cloud
"Come on!"

(Boss battle with HO512)

(Aerith and Tifa/Barret run into the lab.)

Margie: Tifa/Barret? Now that is one scary hybrid.

Luna: "The brand-new Tifret 2000: EVERYTHING is huge."

Cloud
"Aerith, you all right?"

Tifa
"She seems all right, ...in many ways."

Luna: (as Tifa) But, um, not in all of them, if you know what I mean. (She circles her finger by her head.)

Red XIII
"I have a right to choose, too. I don't like two-legged things."

Luna: You make a three-legged slash joke and I shall kill you.

Margie: Rats.

Barret
"What are you?"

Red XIII
"An informed question. But difficult to answer. I am what you see."

Margie: (as Cloud) So, uh, right now you're Tifa's b- um, never mind.

"...You must have many questions, but first, let's get out of here. I'll lead the way."

Aerith
"Cloud... so you did come for me."

(Red XIII leaps over the railing toward the exit.)

Margie: Keep going! Escape this awful place and the delusional spike-haired mercenary that haunts it! Go! Run free!

Red XIII
"I apologize for what happened back there. I was merely acting to throw Hojo off guard......"

Margie: (as Red) However, is the young lady on my left available? Rrrowr.

Barret
"Now we've saved Aerith, ain't no need to be in this buildin'! So let's get the hell outta here!"

Cloud
"If all five of us go together, we'll be noticed. Let's break up into two groups."

Luna: Uh huh, that's why you have to break up. Has nothing to do with the three-person battle engine or anything. Nope.

(You can rearrange your party here. I took Red XIII and Barret.)

Aerith
"I'll see you later!! We'll be waiting at the 66th Floor Elevator."

Tifa
"We'll be going first! Meet at the 66th Floor Elevator."

(They exit. A person in the lab gives them the Keycard 68.)

"No! Please don't kill me. I only did what Hojo told me to do."

Margie: (as Cloud) Where's Aerith, she should be taking notes on this.

"To prove it to you.... here, this is the key card to the 68th Floor. Would I be doing this if I was the enemy?"

(They go to the 66th Floor elevator and operate the switch. A Turk walks in and places his hand on Cloud's shoulder...)

Margie: (as Rude) May I have this dance?

Cloud
"H, hey! What is it?"

Rude
"Would you press 'Up' please?"

Cloud
"Turks? Must be a trap..."

Luna: Or a bar.

(Tseng comes into the elevator.)

Tseng
"It must have been a real thrill for you... Did you enjoy it?"

(Margie starts to giggle hysterically.)

Luna: Oh for crying out loud.

Cloud
"Ggh..."

Luna: My sentiments exactly.

16. Our Hero Lands Us All in Jail

(Rude and Tseng lead Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Red XIII into the President's office. Their hands and feet are bound.)

Luna: Except for Red, who apparently is completely free.

Cloud
"You all got caught, too?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Wow, I didn't think any of you'd be the type to keep porn ma-

Luna: (as Tifa) Cloud!!

(He turns to the President.)

Cloud
"Where is Aerith!?"

President Shinra
"In a safe place."

Margie: (as the Prez) A closet marked "Health Food". Only safe place with me - I mean, Palmer around.

(He gets up from his desk.)

President Shinra
"She's the last surviving Ancient..."
"Don't you know? They called themselves the Cetra, and lived thousands of years ago. Now they are just a forgotten page in history."

Margie: (reciting) Just another one of those mysteries. One more lover that used to be. If you think you're in my head...

Luna: (even more deadpan) You've been seriously....... misled.

Margie: So, hate yourself yet?

Luna: Yyyyyep.

Red XIII
"Cetra... That girl, is she a survivor of the Cetra?"

President Shinra
"Cetra, or the Ancients will show us the way to the 'Promised Land.' I'm expecting a lot out of her."

Margie: (as the Prez) Movie rights, merchandising, sitcom spinoffs...

Red XIII
"The Promised Land? Isn't that just a legend?"

Luna: If Tom Cruise shows up with a pair of unicorns, I'm getting the hell out of here.

President Shinra
"Even so, it's just too appealing to not to pursue."
"It's been said the Promised Land is very fertile."
"...If the land is fertile..."

Margie: ...it won't have to adopt.

Luna: What the-?!

Barret
"Then there's gotta be Mako!"

President Shinra
"Exactly. That is why our money sucking Mako Reactor is a necessity."
"The abundant Mako will just come out on its own."

Luna: Soooo... why do you need a reactor?

"That is where Neo-Midgar will be built. Shinra's new glory..."

Luna: As opposed to its old glory, which consists of one skyscraper and a monorail.

(Barret struggles against his handcuffs.)

Margie: Finally there are handcuffs in this game, and Aerith is nowhere to be found.

Barret
"@$#^%! Quit dreamin'!"

Margie: (as Barret) You'll never be lead ballerina! That job's MINE, dammit!

President Shinra
"Oh really, don't you know? These days all it takes for your dreams to come true is money and science."

Luna: And some REALLY big guns, apparently.

"Well, that is all for our meeting."

(Rude hurries in.)

Rude
"Come on! Outta his way!"

Margie: (as Rude) Despite the fact that he isn't going anywhere!

(Cloud, Tifa, and Red XIII leave. Barret stays behind.)

Barret
"Hold it! I got a lot I wanna say to you!"

(He is dragged out, still struggling, by Rude. President Shinra polishes his jacket buttons.)

Luna: Assuming he can reach his jacket buttons.

President Shinra
"If you need something else... talk to my secretary."

Margie: (as the Prez) What? You can't see her?! She's there, I tell you!... Nobody ever believes me... (sobs)

(Cloud and the others wake up in the prison cells on the 67th floor. Aerith is in her own cell on the left, Barret and Red XIII share the right cell, and Tifa is in the cot in Cloud's center cell.)

Luna: "Shinra Memo: To all prison guards. Normal imprisonment logic of matching genders for cellmates will be abandoned for the sake of the plot. Thank you."

Tifa
"Psst (Can we get out?)"

Cloud
"Leave it to me."

Tifa
"Psst (Cloud, you're so brave!)"

Margie: (as Tifa) Teehee! My big strong brave deluded man's going to rescue me! Even if he's in jail too! (sighs)

Luna: I think they hit Tifa over the head a liiiiittle too hard.

(Cloud walks to the door of the cell)

Cloud
"I wonder how Barret is doing..."

(The camera moves over to show Barret's cell.)

Barret
"Hey!"

Margie: (as Barret) Camera! Cut it out! This ain't no peep show!

"Aerith is an Ancient and the real name of the Ancients is Cetra."
"The Ancients know where the Promised Land is and the Shinra is searching for that Promised Land."
"I only hear stories 'bout the Promised Land. I don't know if it really exists."
"Is that right?"

Luna: Who are you talking to?!

"The Shinra believe that the Promised Land is full of Mako energy."
"Which means, if the Shinra get there, they'll suck up all the Mako energy."
"...and the land'll wither away. The Planet's gonna get weaker."

(He stands.)

Barret
"I can't just leave 'em be. I'm recruitin' new members!!"

Margie: (as Barret) Right here, dammit! Army surplus cot! Metal toilet! Are ya with us?!

"Me, Tifa, Cloud... and Aerith too."

Luna: (as Barret) I was lookin' for some Shinra bait.

(He turns to Red XIII)

Barret
"How 'bout you?"

(Red XIII gets up, stretches, and lies down again.)

Barret
"You're so damn boring."

Luna: Dude, it's been what, days and nobody's had to sleep except in inns. If the player's sadistic you guys never get to sleep. Who can blame him?

Cloud
"I wonder how Red XIII is doing..."

Red XIII
"............Grandpa."

Margie: Awwwww, poor puppy misses his family!

Luna: He's not a poor puppy! He's a poor kitty!

Margie: No he's not, cats can retract their claws. Besides, look at his head. His nose is too long.

Luna: Yeah, but look at the tail! And the ears! It's obvious!

Margie: I still say the poor puppy misses his family.

Luna: Arrgh! Go right on ahead. (Margie sniffles.)

Barret
"Grandpa!? Ha, ha, ha...... Grandpa, hmm.... ha, ha, ha......."

(Red XIII sits up.)

Luna: (as Red) Would you kindly stop that? It's creepy.

Red XIII
"What's so funny?"

Barret
"Nothin'...... ha, ha"

Cloud
"I wonder how Aerith is doing..."

Luna: My money's on "dreamy, vague and upbeat".

(The camera moves over to show Aerith's cell. She is lying on her cot.)

Aerith
"Cloud, are you there?"

Cloud
"Aerith!? You safe?"

Aerith
"Yeah, I'm all right."

(She swings her legs over the side of the cot.)

Margie: They hit the ground with a thud and roll across the floor.

Luna: ...Ugh.

Aerith
"I knew that Cloud would come for me."

Cloud
"Hey, I'm your bodyguard, right?"

Luna: I'm not touching THAT one with a ten-foot pole.

Margie: No puns or disgusting mental images intended.

(She walks to the door of her cell.)

Luna: As opposed to swimming there.

Aerith
"The deal was for one date, right?"

(Tifa sits up.)

Tifa
"............oh, I get it."

Luna: (as Tifa) You're handing out freebies. (mutters something unintelligible)

Aerith
"...!? Tifa! Tifa, you're there too!"

Margie: (as Aerith) Goody! You hold him down and I'll smack the daylights out of him, sound good?

Tifa
"EXCUSE me."

(She stands up.)

Tifa
"You know, Aerith, I have a question."

Aerith
"What?"

Margie: (as Tifa) Why do you and Sephiroth have the same hair?

Tifa
"Does the Promised Land really exist?"

(Aerith shakes her head.)

Aerith
"...I don't know."

(She walks to the middle of her cell and looks upwards.)

Aerith
"All I know is..."

Margie: (as Aerith) Whoever put that scale model of Mideel up there was really bored.

"The Cetra were born from the Planet, speak with the Planet, and unlock the Planet."
"And....... then......"

Margie: (as Aerith) ...lose the keys to the Planet. We can be ditzy like that.

"The Cetra will return to the Promised Land. A land that promises supreme happiness."

(She looks back down.)

Margie: (as Aerith) Supreme happiness and bigger-

Luna: (as Cloud) Woo-hoo!

Tifa
"...What does that mean?"

Aerith
"More than words...... I don't know."

Margie: (singing) More than woooooooooorrrrds... to shoooow me how you feel... then I wooooOOOULDn't have to saa-a-a-aaay...

Cloud
"...Speak with the Planet?"

(Tifa sits back on the cot.)

Tifa
"Just what does the Planet say?"

Luna: Probably "GET OFF MY FACE!"

Aerith
"It's full of people and noisy. That's why I can't make out what they're saying."

(A beat.)

Margie: (yells) GIMME IT! (sings) Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah, all you nasty boys! Oof!

Cloud
"You hear it now?"

Aerith
"I, I only heard it at the Church in the Slums. Mother said that Midgar was no longer safe. That is.... my real mother."

Luna: (as Aerith) As opposed to that cardboard mother I used to have.

(She sits back on the cot.)

Aerith
"Someday I'll get out of Midgar... Speak with the Planet and find my Promised Land."

Margie: (as Aerith, dreamily) Where everyone is happy allll the time and they can make leather pants without killing small furry animals... (sighs)

"...That's what mom said."
"I thought I would stop hearing her voice as I grew up, but...."

Luna: (as Aerith, putting on a ghostly voice) "Cleeeean your roooom, Aerith." "Leave that lead paint alooooone, Aerith!" (switching back to normal Aerith) Nag, nag, nag! It never stopped, I tell you!

Cloud
"Let's just get some sleep."

(Cloud walks to the wall of the cell and sits down.)

17. Rufiebaby Says "Being Evil is Cool!"

(Cloud wakes up in the middle of the night in his and Tifa's prison cell....)

Margie: (singing) I don't wanna spend my time in hell lookin' at the walls of a prison cell...

Luna: (continuing) I don't ever wanna play the part of some delusional and spiky-haired fart.

(...He sees that the door is open.)

Cloud
"The door's open... When did it open?"

(He goes through the door and walks down the hall. There is a guard, dead, lying on the floor. He kneels by him)

Cloud
"What's happened?"

(He goes back to Tifa's cell.)

Margie: Tifa's nucleus asks him what the hell he thinks he's doing, and Tifa's mitochondria deny their involvement in the whole thing.

Cloud
"Tifa... Wake up!"

Luna: (as Cloud) The fans always love the helpless ones! You'll never be the lead unless you get yourself kidnapped!

(Tifa sits up.)

Tifa
"What's wrong?"

Cloud
"Something's wrong. Look outside."

(She goes out to the guard. Cloud follows.)

Tifa
"I wonder what happened..."

Luna: (as Cloud) Something must have happened.

Cloud
"He should have the key on him..."

(He gets the prison keys.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Dude, you do not wanna know where I had to reach to get that.

Cloud
"Come on, Tifa, get Aerith, I'll go help Barret and the others."

(Tifa goes to Aerith's cell. Cloud runs to Barret and Red XIII's.)

Luna: Barret and Red XIII's what?

Margie: The hot new night spot, Barret And Red XIII's!

Cloud
"Barret, Red XIII... come with me. Something's wrong."

Luna: (as Barret) Hmph! Is somethin' wrong?

(Barret gets up.)

Barret
"How'd you get in? Why's the door open!?"

Luna: (as Barret) 'N why do ya keep sayin' "Something's wrong"?!

(They run out to the dead guard.)

Barret
"The hell's goin' on!?"

Red XIII
"No human could've done this."

Luna: (as Red) It shows some measure of skill and forethought.

"I'll go on ahead."

(Red XIII goes.)

Barret
"I'll clean up back here, so you guys go ahead. And don't get caught by Shinra!"

(Cloud collects Tifa and Aerith.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Man oh man, only three more and I'll have the whole set!

Tifa
"Come on, let's follow Red XIII!"

Margie: (as Red) The first one who sings "Born Free" gets it.

(They follow Red XIII to the lab where he was previously imprisoned. The path there is stained with blood and littered with bodies....)

Luna: Littered? If they try one of those crying-brave commercials for THIS, I'll be scarred for life.

(Where there was a door in the metal dome, there is now a gaping hole.)

Cloud
"...Did it get away? Jenova...?"

Margie: Jenova is not able to answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your name, number, and a short plea for your pathetic human life, and she'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Red XIII
"Jenova Specimen... Looks like it went to the upper floor using that elevator for the specimens."

Margie: (as Tifa) Ewww! The buttons are all slimy!!

Luna: (as Red) Of course; the humans use it now and then.

(They take the elevator up to the 68th floor. Red XIII is waiting.)

Red XIII
"It looks like it leads up..."

(They take the elevator up to the 69th floor., then the stairs up to the 70th. Barret and Red XIII catch up with the rest. They arrive at President Shinra's office. He is seated at his desk. A large sword is protruding from his back.)

Barret
"He's dead... The leader of Shinra, Inc. is dead."

Luna: Long live the leader of Shinra, Inc.

Margie: (singing) Ding, dong, the CEO is deeeaaaad...

(Tifa runs around to him.)

Tifa
"Then this sword must be...!?"

Luna: (as Tifa) ...The murder weapon?!

Cloud
"Sephiroth's!!"

Margie: (as Cloud) -Really cute!!

Tifa
"...Sephiroth is alive?"

Cloud
"...Looks like it. Only Sephiroth can use that sword."

Margie: Using the most advanced cybernetic technologies, Shinra Inc. has now begun to produce swords, bombs, and chain whips with state-of-the-art password protection, retina scanning, and voice recognition. Your implements of destruction are safer than ever with Shinra's patented YourWar >:) Software.

Barret
"Who cares who did it!? This is the end of the Shinra now!"

Luna: Yeah, those 3,500 employees are just gonna roll over and give up after this!

"Uh!"

Margie: (in a James Brown yelp) Yooooowww! Hit meh!

(Palmer jumps out from behind the desk and makes a break for it. Cloud and Barret catch him by the arms.)

Luna: I doubt they could get their arms around any other part of his anatomy.

Palmer
"P, p, p, please, don't kill me!"

Margie: (in a squeaky voice) Hide me, Eddie!

Cloud
"What happened?"

Margie: (as Barret) Something must've happened.

Luna: All right, cut it out!

Palmer
"Se... Sephiroth. Sephiroth came."

Margie: Now THAT is a slash I NEVER wanna see.

Luna: Auuuughhh!

Cloud
"Did you see him? Did you see Sephiroth?"

Palmer
"Yeah, I saw him!! I saw him with my own eyes!"

Luna: As opposed to seeing him with your own spleen?

Cloud
"You really saw him?"

Palmer
"Uh! Would I lie to you at a time like this!? And I heard his voice too!"

Margie: (as Palmer) So smooth... so evil...

Luna: Stop it or I'm going to yack!

"Um, he was saying something about not letting us have the Promised Land."

Tifa
"Then what?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Oh well then, I guess I give up.

Margie: (in booming voice) GAME OVER....

"Does that mean that the Promised Land really exists and that Sephiroth's here to save it from Shinra?"

Barret
"So he's a good guy then?"

Cloud
"Save the Promised Land? A good guy? No way!!"

Luna: (as Cloud) He's way too badass! Only slightly badass guys can be good!

"It's not that simple!! I know him! Sephiroth's mission is different!"

(A helicopter hovers into view in the big bay windows. Palmer breaks free and flees.)

Barret
"Rufus! &*%$!! I forgot about him!"

Tifa
"Who's that?"

Margie: (as Barret) I dunno, he rides around in a phone booth and says somethin' about time travel. Weird dude.

Barret
"Vice President Rufus. The President's son."

Tifa
"I wonder what kind of person he is..."

Luna: He's related to President Shinra. My money's on "asshole", how about you?

Aerith
"I've heard that no one's ever seen him bleed or cry."

Luna: Let's see, he has his dog fight you, stands 20 feet away to fire his gun at you, and runs away if you hit him too hard. Big mystery? No.

Barret
"I heard that he's been assigned somewhere else for a long time..."

Red XIII
"I only know his name."

Margie: (as Red) It was scribbled all over Cloud's notebooks.

(Cloud runs out onto the balcony at the top of the Shinra Building. The rest follow. They find Rufus and Palmer there.)

Margie: Sayyyyy, check out the new villain.

Luna: Stylin'. Pardon me if I'm not sorry that the old fat guy got bumped off.

Margie: (singing) Masamune gets a lotta hits, Cait Sith makes Luna sick... (Luna grudgingly joins in) I like villains that wear Abercrombie and Fitch...

Luna: Okay, so that one was kinda cute. Dated, but cute.

Rufus
"So... So Sephiroth was actually here. ...By the way."

Luna: (as Rufus, suavely) Cloudiebaby, I borrowed your hair gel. Hope you don't mind.

Margie: (as Cloud) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Palmer runs away.)

Rufus
"Who are you guys?"

Luna: Once again, for the really slow players...

(The camera focuses on each person in turn.)

Cloud
"I'm Cloud, former SOLDIER First Class!"

Margie: (as Cloud) My turn-ons include stamp collecting, megalomania, and dressing in dr-Wait, you didn't hear that!!

Barret
"I'm from AVALANCHE!"

Tifa
"Same here!"

Margie: (as Tifa) Except for the whole fake-ghetto, road-ragey thing? Just, like, different. Hee hee!

Luna: (as Barret) Who you callin' fake?

Aerith
"...a flower girl from the slums."

Luna: (as Aerith) Yes, I realize the wedding was ten years ago. I just can't give it up.

Red XIII
"A research specimen."

Margie: (calmly, as Red) One crack about peeing into cups and I'll rip your throat out. Thank you.

(Rufus shrugs.)

Rufus
"What a crew."

(He smooths his hair with nonchalance.)

Margie: I thought he used his hand.

Luna: Arghhh.

Rufus
"Well, I'm Rufus. The President of Shinra, Inc."

Barret
"You only President, 'cause your old man died!"

Margie: (suavely, as Rufus) Don't be ridiculous. I also look much cooler in the commercials.

Rufus
"That's right. I'll let you hear my new appointment speech."

Margie: (as Rufus) Ahem. "We have an opening on Tuesday at ten-fifteen, sir." So what d'you think?

(He walks to Tifa.)

Rufus
"...Old man tried to control the world with money. It seems to have been working."

Margie: (as Rufus) Personally, I want one of those joystick things... yeah! Y'know, go careening through the solar system shooting at stuff? Perrng! Peerng!

Luna: Just give up.

(He walks to Aerith.)

Rufus
"The population thought that Shinra would protect them."

(He walks to Barret.)

Rufus
"Work at Shinra, get your pay. If a terrorist attacks, the Shinra army will help you."

Margie: (as Rufus) Feeling a little randy, call the Turks.

Luna: Auuugh.

"It looks perfect on the outside."
"But, I do things differently."
"I'll control the world with fear. It takes too much to do it like my old man."

Margie: (as Rufus) Between the buffets and the bastardry lessons, I'm beat.

(He walks to the railing.)

Rufus
"A little fear will control the minds of the common people. There's no reason to waste money on them."

(A pause.)

Margie: (as Rufus) ...except if they're cute, I suppose.

Tifa
"He likes to make speeches just like his father."

Margie: (as Tifa) Oh, and that whole leather thing, too. (sighs) I'm just not good with that kinky stuff, you know?

(Cloud turns.)

Cloud
"Get outta this building with Aerith!"

Barret
"What?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah man, just use her as a rope!

Cloud
"I'll explain later! Barret! This is the real crisis for the Planet!"

Luna: Yeah, the other two disks are completely blank. It's all a sham.

Barret
"The hell's that supposed to mean?"

Cloud
"I'll tell you later! Just take my word for it! I'll go after I take care of him!"

Barret
"Awright, Cloud!"

Luna: Yeah, since he's been so competent and with-it SO FAR...

(They all head back down to the 69th floor, but Cloud. Aerith pauses on the way out.)

Aerith
"Cloud... I just thought of something."

Margie: (as Aerith) Aren't you happy for me? I knew I could do it!

(Tifa goes back to Aerith.)

Tifa
"...I'll wait for Cloud! Everyone, get to the elevator!"

Luna: Yeah, so they can wait with the killer robots and the Turks! And besides, it's not like they can cut the cord or anything!

(They all head back toward the stairs. Tifa stays in the doorway.)

Luna: (as Tifa) Heh heh heh... suckers.

Aerith
"Hmm, it's going to get pretty ugly from here on."

Margie: (as Tifa, distantly) Is that directed at me?! (mutters)

"We should check on our equipment."

(Aerith, Barret, and Red XIII re-equip themselves and get on the elevator. As soon as they press the button to go down, they are attacked...)

(Boss battle with Hundred Gunner)

Luna: Fire 1. Grenade. Defend. Fire 1. Grenade. Defend. Fire 1. Grenade. Defend. Thrilling.

(Cloud stands on the balcony on the top floor with Rufus. They face each other. Cloud equips himself...)

Luna: Somehow, when Cloud does it, it just sounds dirty.

Rufus
"Why do you want to fight me?"

Luna: Let's see... rich... no corny lines... Randian adherence to self-interest... nice hair. Yep, gotta be a villain.

Cloud
"You seek the Promised Land and Sephiroth."

Rufus
"Hm, exactly."

(He walks to the side of Cloud.)

Margie: (as Rufus, suavely) Cloudiebaby, blue is so your color.

Rufus
"Mm? Did you know that Sephiroth is an Ancient?"

Cloud
"...A lot has happened. Anyway, I can't let either you or Sephiroth have the Promised Land!"

Rufus
"I see. I guess this means we won't become friends."

Luna: (croaking) Continuity... please....

Margie: (as a Square writer) I'll just stick some cool lines in this part at random, they won't notice! Damn, I need a drink...

(Boss battle with Rufus and Dark Nation)

Margie: Dark Nation - an entire country of badass.

Rufus
"Heh... That's all for today."

Luna: (as Rufus) G'bye, kids! And remember, being evil is COOL!

(Rufus grabs the runner of the helicopter circling overhead and makes a spectacular getaway, as is typical of the villain. Cloud runs back down to the 69th floor, where he meets up with Tifa.)

Tifa
"Where's Rufus?"

Cloud
"I couldn't finish 'em. Looks like this's gonna get complicated."

Luna: (as Tifa) Oh, you amateur, let me at him.

Margie: (as Cloud) No! He's mine! (sniffs) He said he loved me!!

Luna: Oh, criminy...

18. We Don't Know Where We're Goin'...

(Fade up. Luna is doing something on the computer as Margie walks in.)

Margie: Hey, where's the game?

Luna: (craftily) All in good time... have a seat. (Margie sits. Luna folds her hands.) Now, you remember that "Stairway to Shinra" video a while back?

Margie: Yeah, so-

Luna: (interrupting) And my ode to Reno that was so cruelly interrupted?

Margie: (uneasily) Yeah?

Luna: Now... (The lights go off, leaving only the glowing screen, and we hear the click of a door lock) It is time... for revenge.

Margie: Uh-oh.

(FMV. The edge of the Midgar plate, lit up with blinking lights. In the background the Mako plants spew greenish steam. The camera zooms in on a clear space, where, lined up and lit with spotlights, stand Rufus, Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Reeve. As the view gets closer, centering on Rufus' evil smirk, a faint sample starts to bounce along in the background...)

Margie: (from offscreen) Ohhhhhh no, it can't be-

Luna: Mwahahaha.

(Rufus lets loose a masterfully evil laugh as the camera swings around the group; the music is now, unmistakably, "Larger than Life" by the Backstreet Boys. The beat grows louder, and the group bursts into some wicked choreography. Rufus stays coolly in the forefront; Reno smirks and slouches his way through the moves, oozing sleazy charm; Rude woodenly steps without moving much; Tseng's face is red with embarrassment as he tries to keep up; Reeve flails around as if he barely realizes he's on stage. Rufus bursts into song...)

When my dad was president you all had it good, all right
Put you all on easy street with shrimp plates to spare, all rieeght

(Reno, Reeve, and Tseng join in harmony; Rude's mouth remains shut, though he dances more or less in unison with everyone but Reeve.)

But by our man Seph-y,
That fish was spee-e-a-ared...

(The lights flare as all but Rude sing...)

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

(Instrumental break; Rufus slides back and Reno jumps forward.)

Yeah, at first I thought, this has got to be wrong, come on
A hundred pairs of dress shoes and he fights with his dog, come on!

(Rufus glares; Reeve and Tseng join in, looking a bit nervous. Rude also looks as nervous as a man whose face doesn't move can look, though he doesn't sing.)

(Turks!) But it's the pay that
Keeps us in bee-e-e-e-eer...

(Rufus joins in, pushing back to the front, and the camera zooms back on their dancing or lack thereof during the chorus.)

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

(Rufus freezes in the middle of the stage. The camera swings up to an aerial shot. He chuckles evilly, and the others swoop in to cluster around him as Reno, Reeve and Tseng chorus angelically)

But it's the pay that
Keeps us in bee-e-e-e-eeer...

(The music jumps back into full dancepop mode, and they burst into more wild posing-slash-dancing.)

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

If you dare rebel
Shinra will be nee-a-a-ar
That is how I'll rule them with feeaaar!

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem-
Thaaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem-
Thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

(Rufus draws out the last word as the music ends, half-soulful, half-howling. Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Reeve collapse from exhaustion. Rufus smirks. Fade to black.)

(Back to the room. Margie stares glassily into space. Luna is giggling evilly.)

Luna: Well?

Margie: (dazed) ...couldn't you just make me write "I will not make fun of Reno, I will not make fun of Reno" a hundred...thousand... times?

Luna: We don't have a chalkboard.

Margie: (dazed) ...Oh. Okay... (Luna gets up to turn the lights off, then the screen switches back to the Shinra Building.) You're evil, you know that?

Luna: I try. Game on.

(Aerith, Barret, and Red XIII arrive on the bottom floor. They go to the main exit.)

Barret
"I'll go on ahead!"

Margie: (as Barret) Alright all o'ya, I brought back the annoyin' pink girl, so where's my 5000 gil?

(Barret goes out, to be met by a hail of gunfire. He ducks back in.)

Barret
"*&^%(*... surrounded, huh?"
"If I was alone this wouldn't be a thang but, I gotta reputation to protect."

Luna: Okay, lemme get this straight. If he were alone, he'd dash out with his gunarm blazing, probably screaming symbols at the top of his lungs, but to protect his reputation he's gonna run and hide and wait for the punkass kid to rescue him?

Margie: Yep. Apparently.

Aerith
"You all get out while you can."

Luna: (as Aerith) Yeah, pretty soon I'll be insufferably winsome.

"It's not you they're after... it's me."

Barret
"Yeah, well that ain't happenin'."
"You got caught up in this over Marlene. Now, it's my turn to watch out for you!"

Luna: Yep, all because of Marlene. Has nothing to do with the fact that they have a helpless giggler in every game in the franchise.

(He turns back to the doorway.)

Barret
"Ok, playtime's over for you jackasses..."

Luna: (as Barret) Put dem blocks away NOW, dammit!

(Aerith takes a step toward him.)

Aerith
"...thank you, Mr. Barret!"

(He turns.)

Barret
"Who you callin' Mr. Barret? That don't sound right!"

Luna: (as Aerith, with insane perkiness) Arigatou, Barret-sama!!

Margie: (likewise) Jitto shite! Omae wa ore no mono da!

Luna: (pause) Where the HELL did you learn Japanese?!

Margie: Uh... you don't wanna know.

Red XIII
"Well then..."
"If you are through talking, may I suggest that we think of a way to get out of here."

Barret
"Huh? Oh, oh yeah... You a cold man. Just like somone else 'round here I know."

Luna: Yeah, as cold a man as a catdog with FIRE ON HIS TAIL can be.

Red XIII
"Did you say something?"

Barret
"Notta thing. So what're we gonna do?"

Tifa
"Barret!"

(Tifa comes sprinting down the stairs.)

Barret
"Tifa! Where's Cloud?"

(Tifa runs over to the side of the room.)

Margie: (as Tifa) Oooh, a shiney!

Tifa
"Everyone, over here!"

Barret
"Huh? What's up? Where's Cloud?"

Margie: (as Aerith) Red! Where's Cloud?

Luna: (as Red) I refuse to play along with this.

Tifa
"I'll tell you later! Hurry, Hurry!!"

Luna: All right, the infamous "Crazy Motorcycle" theme. Hey! (Margie starts bouncing up and down in time with the music.)

Margie: (in a grand announcer voice) "Final Fantasy Seven! With Music Byyyy... Gary Numan!"

(FMV sequence. The party follows Tifa to a safe distance. Cloud rides a motorcycle from the Shinra Showroom down the stairs. The party jumps into a pickup truck also from the showroom and follows Cloud; they drive up the stairs and crash through a window onto the freeway outside.)

Margie: (as Red, archly) In my tribe it is perfectly acceptable to stick one's head out of the window! ...Stop laughing!

[Here you play a minigame in which you must protect the truck from oncoming motorcycles....]

Margie: (bouncing again, sort-of singing along with the theme) I like riding motorcycles, it is very fun HEY! But this swinging swords it sucks, I wish I had a gun HEY!

[...How well you perform determines how may HP you will have when you fight a boss at the end.]

(Boss battle with Motor Ball)

Margie: Mötörhead's much more painful other half!

Luna: Ugh.

(After the battle. The party stands on the freeway. They are at the edge, where it must have collapsed some time ago and never rebuilt, only added warning lights. The purple mountains of the eastern continent are visible in the distance.)

Margie: (singing) ...above the fruited plain...

Barret
"Well, what do we do now?"

Luna: Go home!

Margie: (direly) ...GAME OVER!...

Cloud
"Sephiroth is alive. I... I have to settle the score."

Margie: (as Cloud) "Fantabulous" is a word, dammit. I want my triple letter bonus.

Barret
"And that'll save the Planet?"

Cloud
"...Seems like it."

Luna: (as Cloud) 'Cause, uh... um, well, I have no idea why, really.

Barret
"Awright, I'm going."

Aerith
"I'll go too. ...I have things that I want to find out."

Cloud
"About the Ancients?"

Aerith
".......Many things."

Margie: (as Aerith, solemnly) Like shoes and ships and sealing-wax and cabbages and kings.

Tifa
"I guess this's good bye, Midgar."

Luna: (as Tifa) (pause) ...Why won't it answer? (pause) Fine then! Be that way!

(They all climb down a rope hung from the edge of the highway, landing in the outskirts of Midgar.)

Margie: Hahaaaah, the suburbs! Told ya so!

Luna: (dryly) Commuting up that rope every morning must be hell.

Red XIII
"I'm going backto my hometown. I'll go with you as far as that."

Margie: Sure, that's what they all say, but soon you'll be finding out you're secretly the father of Marlene and confuse the bejeezus out of everyone and next thing you know, you're stuck with us till the end for no apparent reason. (Silence.) What?!

Tifa
"...I guess this is the start of our journey..."

(Both hosts scream)

Luna: The START?! We've been here for days!

Cloud
"It's dangerous. You sure you want to go?"

Tifa
".....Mmm. but you know, it should be all right if you keep your promise."

Margie: That's kinda harsh; maybe he should downgrade to mousse for a while as he kicks the habit. Y'know, like methadone for hair.

Luna: He'd never make it. He'd end up selling his Materia on the streets for money to buy hair gel.

Aerith
"You know what? This is the first time I've ever left Midgar..."

Luna: (as Aerith) ...out of costume...

Cloud
"It's dangerous. You sure you want to go?"

Aerith
"I thought you'd say that!"

Luna: Okay, if she starts giggling and rambling about how all the boys get nervous around her, this is REALLY gonna get scary.

Barret
"We told Aerith's mom to go somewhere safe, so Marlene should be safe too."

Cloud
"Yeah, she should be."

Luna: 'Cause she did such a great job with Aerith, what with being chased down by quasi-government thugs and all.

Aerith
"She said she didn't want to stay in Midgar anymore. ...Maybe it's for the best."

(Cloud heads out, away from Midgar.)

Margie: (as Cloud, miserably) Aer-iiiiiith... I'm lost again...

Cloud
"Then..."

Luna: (as Cloud) I give up. Allrighty, that was easy.

Cloud
Let's go!

(Barret starts boxing with the air)

Barret
"We need a group leader for our journey. 'Course only me could be the leader."

Margie: (singing) Following the LEAder, the LEAder, the LEAder, following the LEAder, wherever he may go!

Tifa
"You think so...?"

(Aerith walks to Cloud.)

Luna: (as Aerith) Hang on, I haven't hit on anybody in hours.

Aerith
"It would have to be Cloud."

(Barret stops abruptly and looks at Aerith.)

Luna: Some skinny kid with an unnecessarily huge sword, weird hair, vague emotional problems, and a big dumb tough-guy front covering a sucking void of teenage angst? NAH.

Barret
"^#$^%....... awright. Go Northeast to a town called Kalm. If something happens, we'll meet up there."

(Barret sits down.)

Luna: Uh...why?

Barret
"'Sides, we can't have 5 people strolling down the fields. Split us into 2 parties..."

Margie: (as Barret) Use th' O Button to select 'n move with the arrows. And don't be goin' off to have a snack now either, dammit! I'm watchin' you!

(Here Cloud picks the two people to come with him. I chose Tifa and Aerith.)

Luna: Male scriptwriter. Thought you'd do that.

Barret
"...Thought you'd do that."

Luna: Told ya.

"'Later, at Kalm!"

(They all leave Midgar, and head out into the overworld for the first time.)

Margie: (singing) Let's go! Let's go, overworld! Getcher head out of the mud, bay-beh!

Luna: Just once, I wanna see "overworld" used in conversation. You know, "I'm gonna walk out into the overworld and pick up some milk at the supermarket."

Margie: And town themes! I want town themes, definitely. We already have shop music...

Luna: We have what?

Margie: You know, shop music. (She sings a demented waltz tune known to some as the Shop Theme from FF1.) Laaa la laaa la laaa laa, lalalalaLALAlala la la... (Luna punches her in the shoulder. She stops.) Well - what do you think that really is? Medieval Muzak.

Luna: (pauses) You have a point.

Margie: Told ya.

Luna: Break time, number eight. (They get up and begin to leave.)

Margie: (as they exit) So how long have we been in here, anyway?

Luna: Oh, five or six days...

(Fade to black.)

(Fade up on the room; only Margie is back, drinking soda pop through a straw and doing something or other with the computer. Luna enters.)

Luna: If this is revenge to my revenge, I'm leaving right now.

Margie: Nahhh, I just found some nifty MP3's on Napsharezameshster.

Luna: (leans over Margie's shoulder, reading) "Top Secret FF7 Bootleg Demo Recording - VERY VERY RARE, HONEST, WE SWEAR.mp3"?

Margie: Yeah! Hey, ya never know, it might be good.

Luna: Somehow I doubt that.

Margie: Well, let's see. (She starts the song...)

Voice On MP3: Hi everyone, I'm Cloud Strife-

Luna: (groans) Oh, no....

Voice On MP3: -and this is a little song I like to call "Me & Aeris".

Luna: (reflexively) Aerith.

Voice On MP3: Whatever.

(The song opens with a cheery guitar strum, remarkably similar to the opening guitar strum to Paul Simon's "Me & Julio (Down By the Schoolyard)". A voice accompanies, not remarkably similar to same...)

Woke up in stir, didn't know where we were
There's blood on the floor for an acre
Jenova'd been sprung by her wayward son
And the Prez finally met his maker
It's a major bra-awl
It was a major brawl
Shinra's gonna faaaaall
It's a major brawl

Ooh, Aeris is back but we almost got whacked
By the President's son and housepet
Meanwhile the girl and the cat get caught
In an elevator, ambushed I bet

Ahead on our way
We don't know where we're goin'
Ahead on our way
We're chasing as Seph flies through the air
Goodbye Jessie,
Nice to have known ya
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard

(Whistling solo. Margie is nodding in time; Luna has her head in her hands.)

Uh-oh!
Grabbed a bike and we ran, and I showed that I can
Sling this sword with a little skill
End up outside the gates and facing our fates
With only ourselves and a few gil

Ahead on our way
We don't know where we're goin'
Ahead on our way
We're chasing as Seph flies through the air
Goodbye Jessie,
Nice to have known ya
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard

(The guitar strums through the fadeout.)

Margie: Well?

Luna: All I can say is... Thank God it's not a video.

19. Hair Wax Nostalgic, Part I: Fade to Black Faster

(They arrive at the city of Kalm. It is a charming, idyllic town with a Dutch appearance.)

Luna: Oh great, the last thing Cloud needs is more drugs.

Tifa
"So this is Kalm?"

Margie: Yeah, it was, until you guys arrived. (Luna groans.)

Aerith
"I wonder if everyone's there already. Let's hurry over to the inn!"

(Aerith enters the inn)

Tifa
"Let's go Cloud."

Luna: (as Tifa) Come on, boy! C'mon! Stop sniffing that tree!

(Tifa enters the inn. Cloud follows upstairs. The others are waiting.)

Aerith
"Cloud, you're late!"

Barret
"Yo man, you're late!"

Luna: (as Red) You're late, you clueless human.

Margie: (yelling distantly, as the innkeeper) Sir? You're late!

Luna: (as Tifa) Uh, you're late! Hehe!

Margie: (as Cloud) Um....... am I late?

Cloud
"Sorry to keep you waiting."

Aerith
"Guess everyone's here now."

Margie: (as Aerith) And now I will lock the doors, tell you of my evil plan, and fill the room with mutated piranhas as I escape, laughing maniacally. Heehee!

Barret
"So let's hear your story......"

Luna: (as Cloud, sighing) Oh, all right... This one night, Zack came into my barracks and-

Margie: (as everyone) NOoooooooooooo!

"You know, the one about Sephiroth and the crisis facing the planet."
"Let's hear it all."

(Cloud looks at his feet.. then looks at Barret. The music fades.)

Margie: (as Cloud, singing) ...At first I was afraid... I was petrified...

Cloud
"......I used to want to be like Sephiroth, so I joined SOLDIER."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...and wore bondage gear and acted supercilious and kept pictures of my mom in my locker.

"After working with Sephiroth on several missions, we became friends."

Barret
"You call that a friend?"

Cloud
"Yeah, well......."

Margie: (as Cloud) ....this is the G-rated version.

"He's older than me, and he hardly ever talked about himself."

Tifa
"............"

Cloud
"So I guess you'd call him a war buddy..... We trusted each other. Until one day......"

Aerith
"...one day?"

Luna: No, several at once! Time Compression kicked in early! Geez.

(Cloud turns away from the others.)

Cloud
"After the war it was SOLDIER's duty to put down any resistance against the Shinra."
"...........that was 5 years ago."

Margie: (singing) It was 5 years ago today... Sergeant Sephy taught our Cloud to play...

"I was 16........"

Luna: (Cloud, gruffly) Uh, going on seventeen, innocent as a rose. (coughs)

(The scene changes. We are now in a military truck, on a bumpy ride along an old, almost-forgotten road....)

Luna: Hey kids, let's play the Kalm Flashback Game! Every time you hear a possible double entendre, innuendo or outright blatant comment, raise your hand! Or, have a drink if you're legal! You'll need it! We'll keep score.

(...The windshield wipers do little to defend against the pounding rain. Boxes and crates are strewn about. Cloud stands near the back of the truck. Two Shinra soldiers sit on crates. Sephiroth sits on another.)

Margie: Another crate or another soldier?

Luna: One!

Cloud
"It sure is raining hard."

(Margie bursts out giggling.)

Luna: This is too easy. Two!

(He walks over to one of the guards. He isn't looking well.)

Cloud
"Hey, how are you doing?"

(The soldier makes a dismissive gesture, then sinks down lower.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) A little to the left!

Luna: AUUUUGH!!

Margie: (gleefully) Three!

"I'm all right."

Cloud
"I wouldn't know..."
"I've never had motion sickness."

Luna: Cloud Strife, uke to the core.

Margie: Ack! That's even worse!

Luna: Four.

(He walks to the other guard.)

Cloud
"Everything okay?"

(He walks to the middle of the truck. Sephiroth looks up.)

Margie: So in English it's Sephiros?

Luna: Whatever.

Sephiroth
"Hey."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Is my hair sticking up?

(Cloud turns.)

Sephiroth
"Settle down."

(Cloud starts doing his squat thrusts.)

Margie: (as Cloud) C'mon, call me "Spikey Bro"! Please?

Luna: (as Sephiroth, dryly) No.

Margie: (as Cloud) Aw, man...

Cloud
"They gave me new Materia."
"I can't wait to use it."

Luna: (as Cloud) It's called the "Testosterone" Materia! What d'you think it's for?

Sephiroth
"...just like a kid."

Luna: That is NOT number 4, even in Japan!!

(Cloud stops.)

Cloud
"You going to brief us about this mission?"

Margie: Four, 5j! Called it! (Luna groans)

Sephiroth
"...this isn't a typical mission."

Cloud
"Good!"

Sephiroth
"Why do you say that?"

Margie: (as Cloud) I'm tired of the cuffs, darnit!

Luna: (sighs) An unnecessary but definite number 5.

(Cloud walks to the back of the truck and looks out.)

Cloud
"I joined SOLDIER so I could be like you."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) But I never wanted to be a SOLDIER! I wanted to be.... a lumberjack!

"But by the time I made First Class, the war was already over."
"My big hopes of becoming a hero like you ended with the war."

Luna: (as Cloud) And my tendency to wig out under pressure.

"That's why I always sign up whenever there's a big mission. Kind of a way to prove myself."

(He turns.)

Cloud
"Say, how do you feel, MISTER Sephiroth?"

Margie: (as Cloud) O genki desu ka Sephi-sama?-

Luna: NO.

Sephiroth
"...I thought you wanted a briefing?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Naaaah, just give me the thonging.

Luna: A bad pun AND number 6!

(Cloud smooths his hair and walks to Sephiroth.)

Margie: (as Cloud, suavely) So, uh... you quell revolts by mutated monsters often?

Sephiroth
"Our mission is to investigate an old Mako reactor."
"There have been reports of it malfunctioning, and producing brutal creatures."
"First, we will dispose of those creatures, Then, we'll locate the problem and neutralize it."

Margie: (as Sephiroth, solemnly) ...with springtime freshness.

(Cloud taps his foot.)

Cloud
"Brutal creatures... Where?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Oooh baby, lemmeattem!

Sephiroth
"The Mako Reactor at Nibelheim."

Cloud
"Nibelheim..."
"That's where I'm from."

(Sephiroth nods.)

Sephiroth
"Hmm... hometown..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yes, I was born there.

Luna: (as Sephiroth) I see... your place of origin...

Margie: (as Cloud) Yep, I'm a native.

Luna: (as Sephiroth) So you came from Nibelheim.

Margie: (as Cloud) What?! No.

(A loud crash rattles the whole truck. The driver turns to the back.)

Margie: (as the driver) All right, roadkill for everyone!

"Sir...s, something strange just crashed into our truck!"

(Sephiroth stands.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Strange?! Is it single?

Sephiroth
"That would be our Monster..."

(Battle sequence in which Sephiroth and Cloud fight a massive dragon. We see that Sephiroth has 30 times Cloud's HP, and can do about 300 times the damage....)

Luna: He's also much better looking, has a better backstory, and gets less wimpy dialogue.

(...Sephiroth never loses any HP to the dragon's attacks. The scene changes, back to the inn at Kalm.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth's strength is unreal. He is far stronger in reality than any story you might have heard about him."

Luna: (as Aerith) So is it true about the... (whisper whisper)

Margie: (as Cloud) Ooooh, yeah.

Aerith
"So... Where do you come in?"

Luna: Shhh! You're not supposed to know that yet!

Cloud
"Me? I was mesmerized by the way Sephiroth fought."

Luna: Riiiiiiiiight, Cloud. Mesmerized by his fighting skills. (coughs)

Tifa
".........."

Margie: Somebody kick Tifa, I think she's stuck.

Cloud
"......and then we reached Nibelheim."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...and the magic began....

(The scene changes again. We are now at the front gate of Nibelheim, Cloud's hometown. Sephiroth approaches the gate, then stops and turns.)

Sephiroth
"How does it feel?"

Margie: (singing) To treat me like you do-oo?

(He looks around.)

Sephiroth
"It's your first time back to your hometown in a long time, right?"
"So how does it feel?"

Margie: (singing) When your heart grows collld...?

"I wouldn't know because I don't have a hometown..."

Margie: (as Cloud) Nuh-uh, it's stamped "MADE IN MIDGAR" right on your.... um, never mind.

Cloud (offscreen)
"Umm.... how 'bout your parents?"

Sephiroth
"My mother is Jenova. She died right after she gave birth to me. My father..."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) ...smelt of elderberries.

(He laughs.)

Sephiroth
"What does it matter...?"

Luna: (as Sephiroth) Life is but a gamble... oh, wait, wrong script.

"All right, let's go."

(He walks into Nibelheim. Cloud and the two guards follow.)

Luna: (as Sephiroth) Thank you, thank you, yes, I am stunning, no autographs please.

Guards
"Psst... (You keep wandering around here and you'll get into trouble.)"

"It's so boring, being on watch."

Luna: Try watching you be on watch!

Cloud
"You want to do what we always do?"

Margie: (as the guard) Naahhh, I'm still kinda chafed...

Luna: 7. I'm getting numb, how about you?

Margie: Nope.

Cloud
"Shall we practice?"

"Practice... oh, you mean practice my pose."
"Does someone in SOLDIER always have to be careful about what other people think?"
"...How did it go?"

Margie: He strips naked and stands on his head.

(He poses.)

"Was it like this?"

Cloud
"Good job!"

(He relaxes.)

"I really don't want to be in SOLDIER."

Luna: Good thing, then, because you won't be.

(He speaks with Sephiroth.)

Sephiroth
"The Mako smell is pretty bad here."

Margie: (as Cloud) Oops...sorry.

(Cloud continues into Nibleheim. The screen fades to black.)

Margie: AHHHHHH! No fade to black! No!

Luna: Do we really want the gory details? (Pause.)

Margie: Fade to black! Faster!

Barret
"Yo wait a minute!!"

(Nibelheim fades back in. Sephiroth and the guards are gone. Cloud turns.)

Luna: (as Cloud) Hi. This shot makes no sense. See ya.

Barret
"Isn't that, um...?"
"The name of Sephiroth's mother..."

(The scene changes back to the inn.)

Luna: (as Cloud, voiceover) Told you so.

Barret
"I remember Jenova. That's that damn headless spook livin' in the Shinra building."

Cloud
"That's right."

Tifa
"Barret, would you please let us hear what Cloud has to say? You can ask questions later."

Barret
"Tifa, I was only......"

Luna: (as Barret) ...explainin' the damn plot for all the *$@($& morons in the audience!

Tifa
"Okay Cloud, continue."

Aerith
"It's a reunion of childhood pals!"

Luna: Aerith, the Random Line Generator, version 3.0.

Cloud
"......I was really surprised with Tifa."

Luna: (as Cloud) I heard there was a soldier or two she didn't hit on. Man, she was really off her game...

(The screen fades to black.)

Margie: Ahhhhghhh! Group stuff! Yechhh!

Cloud
"...The town was quiet."
"Everyone must be staying in their houses, afraid to come out because of the monsters."
"No, maybe they're afraid of us..."

Luna: Who wouldn't be?

(The scene returns to Nibelheim. We are at a courtyard, just inside the gate.)

Sephiroth
"We leave for the reactor at dawn. Make sure you get to sleep early."

(He opens the door of the inn, stops, and turns around)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, lasciviously) Except you, Cloud........

Luna: It's been a while. 8!

Sephiroth
"All that we need is one lookout, so you others, get some rest."

(A guard runs forward. Sephiroth turns.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Don't worry, you'll all get your chance.

Luna: And a rapid-fire 9.

Sephiroth
"Oh, that's right..."
"You may visit your family and friends."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) Or, in my case, both at the same time.

(Sephiroth enters the inn.)

People in Nibelheim
"Man.. I'm so nervous."

Cloud
"I'm excited."

"...That's right. Don't blow your chance to become a hero..."

Luna: No comment, and 10.

"I heard Sephiroth was coming and got my camera ready."
"I want a shot of Sephiroth and a monster."

Luna: Now that's a new fetish.

Cloud
"Better get back in the house, it's dangerous."

"All right... so big-headed......."

Luna: (as Cloud) Hey, can I help the way I was rendered?!

"Hey? This guy's a real..."

Luna: Smartass.

Margie: Wannabe.

Luna: Nutcase.

Margie: Right.

"You.... Are you Cloud?"
"Really? So that's how it is, huh?"
"Gosh, Cloud, you've grown up to be a nice-looking kid."

Luna: Now we KNOW Cloud's making this up.

Cloud
"Then take my picture."

Margie: (as Cloud) 'Cause I won't remember.

"Let's do this, Cloud. Let me take a picture of you with Sephiroth."

Luna: Yes folks, one of the FEW pictures of Cloud and Sephiroth fully clothed. Enjoy it while it lasts.

"Welcome."
"Hey? Aren't you..."

Luna: ...Sephiroth's love slave?

Margie: ...the hero of the game?

Luna: ...that kid who got thrown into the well in fifth grade?

(The screen flashes white... The person vanishes.)

Cloud
"...Have I come here before? ...I don't remember."

Barret
"Now you're pissin' me off! This don't matter, so get on with it!"

Luna: THANK YOU!

(Cloud enters a house.)

Cloud
"This is... my house. It has nothing to do with that incident five years ago."

(The screen fades black.)

Margie: The End.

Barret
"Yo wait, I wanna hear."

Aerith
"Me too! It's been a long time, right?"

Barret
"Tell us more!"

Margie: (singing) Didja get very far?

"You saw your family, right?"

Cloud
"All right......"

Cloud
"I don't know if you could call it a 'family'........"

Luna: (as Cloud) A whirlwind of hatred, revenge, and despair, maybe.

"My father... died when I was still very young."

Margie: (as Cloud) His last words were "Thank God... can't... take it.... anymore...."

"That's why my mom...... was living alone in this house."

Luna: (as Cloud) I lived in a box in the backyard.

Margie: Man, this speech is easy.

"Yeah, I saw my mom."
"My mom... she was a vibrant woman. Hadn't changed at all."
"But a few days later, she died...."
"But when I saw her, she looked fine."

(The scene returns to Cloud's house. Cloud takes a few more steps inside. We see his mother, working in the kitchen. She turns.)

Cloud
"Uh...?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Who're you?

(She comes forward.)

"Ye---s?"

Margie: (as Cloud's Mom) Who the hell are you?!

(She runs to him.)

"Cloud!?"

Luna: (as Cloud's Mom) You survived that throw - I mean, that fall off the mountain?!

(She nods.)

"Welcome home, Cloud!"

Cloud
"Hi, mom."

(The screen goes white.... Cloud is standing on the few steps leading up to a small sitting-area. His mother is by him.)

"Come, come... Let me take a look at you!"

(She looks at him from the side.)

Margie: (as Cloud's Mom) Looks like your little operation was successful, honey!

"Hmmm......."

(She looks at him from the back.)

Luna: (as Cloud's Mom) Packing in those creampuffs again, Cloudie?

"You look so handsome."

Luna: I fear the man whose mom says he's handsome in a dream sequence.

Margie: Well, he was a "friend" of Sephiroth's...it could be worse.

(She walks to the front again.)

"So is this a SOLDIER uniform?"

Margie: (as Cloud) No, actually, the "uniforms" are only for the "special" meetings...

Cloud
"......Mom, I...."

Margie: (as Cloud) ...I'm pregnant... His name's Sephiroth...

(The screen goes white again... Cloud is lying on the bed by the kitchen [it's a one-room house].)

Luna: (as Cloud) Ahhhh, good old sloth.

"My, how you've grown."
"I bet the girls never leave you alone."

Luna: (as Cloud) Well, I took some of those self-defense classes in SOLDIER...

Cloud
"...Not really."

"...I'm worried about you."

(She paces a little.)

"There are a lot of temptations in the city..."

Margie: (singing) Ain't too proud to beg, sweet Cloudie, PLEE-HEEZ don't leave me bo-oy, don't you go-o...

"I'd feel a lot better if you just settled down and had a nice girlfriend."

Luna: (as Cloud) Awww, but I wanted an evil girlfriend!

Cloud
"...I'm all right."

Margie: (as Cloud) Nobody worry 'bout me. Won't ya just let me be?

"You should have..."

Luna: ...given up long ago.

"an older girlfriend, one that'll take care of you."
"I think that would be the perfect type for you."

Cloud
"......I'm not interested."

Luna: Eleven!

(The screen flashes white again. Cloud and his mother are standing in the kitchen.)

"Are you eating right?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Actually, no, I've been stuffing food in my ear.

(He nods.)

Cloud
"I'm all right. The Company takes care of me."

"Is that so?"
"You can't cook, right?"

Luna: (as Cloud's Mom) ...or comb your hair, or dress yourself, or...

"I was worried sick about how you were doing..."

(The screen flashes white again. Cloud's mother turns to face him from the stove.)

"Cloud...?"

Luna: (as Cloud's Mom) I never really liked you...

(The screen flashes white.)

"You know, Cloud......"

Margie: (as Cloud's Mom) Babies don't actually come from the sky... You see...

(Flash.)

".......isn't that right, Cloud?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Yeah, well, he seduced me first...

(Flash.)

"I will always be your mother..."

(Margie squeals.)

Luna: (dryly) So dramatic, and yet so obvious.

(The screen fades to black.)

Margie: (announcer voice) And now, Part 2.

Cloud
".........Let's stop this......"

(We return to Nibelheim...)

20. Hair Wax Nostalgic, Part II: Breaking & Entering

(Cloud enters Tifa's house. He takes a few steps in, then the screen fades to black.)

Luna: Again?? I think they have a problem with the power in Nibelheim.

Tifa
"Cloud...?"

Luna: (as Tifa) Didn't you have anything better to do, like kill monsters or admire Seph or wallow in angst or something...?

"Did you go into my house?"

Cloud
"Yeah..."

Cloud
"I thought you might be home."

(Cloud goes upstairs.)

Tifa
"Cloud...?"

Margie: (as Tifa) Did you go through my closet and play dress-up again?

"Did you go into my room?"

Cloud
"Yeah......."

(He continues.)

Luna: Anyone else think this is really disturbing?

Margie: Yep.

(Cloud opens a chest of drawers. He pulls out Orthopedic Underwear.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Damn, not my size.

Tifa
"Cloud!!!"

Cloud
Just kidding. Don't get mad...

Tifa
"...Cloud"
"We're talking about something really important here."

Luna: Breaking and entering - second only to blowing stuff up in the AVALANCHE code of honor.

(Cloud walks to the piano in Tifa's room.)

Tifa
"Did you play my piano?"

Cloud
"Yeah, I jammed on it."

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah, I turned that bad mofo out.

"Now, how did this go?"

Cloud
"I remember."

(He plays the piano.)

Cloud
"I can read sheet music, too, you know..... Ummmm, let's see......"
"Do... Re.... Mi... Ti... La... Do... Re... Mi... Ti... La....Do... Re.... Do.... forget..."

Margie: C'mon, everybody! (singing) Dough - of which Palmer is made...

Luna: (singing) Ray - a big enormous gun...

Margie: (singing) Me - who's trapped in this flashback!

Luna: (singing) Fa - how long until it's done...

Margie: (singing) So - something I often thiiiink...

Luna: (singing) La - Aer sings while mulching folks...

Margie: (singing) Tea - Cid's favorite &+#!$^ing driiiink...

Both: (singing) That will bring us back to Doooooo...!

(He walks to the Tifa's desk.)

Margie: THE Tifa, of all the myriad Tifas in the world...

Cloud
"The letter..."

Margie: (singing) Get me a ticket for an aeroplane...

Tifa
"Did you read it? My letter?"

Cloud
"Yeah..."

Tifa
"You remember what it said?"

Cloud
"I remember clearly."

Luna: ...'cause it's just so riveting...

Cloud
"I read it..."
"It was a letter addressed to Tifa from the son of the guy that runs the General Store..."

Luna: (as Cloud) So, of course I got my grubby paws on it immediately.

"Tifa, how are you? I just arrived in Midgar eight days ago."
"Yesterday, all of Nibelheim got together to welcome me. The only person that we couldn't get a hold of was Cloud."

Luna: (as Cloud, reading) "The little twerp runs too damn fast..."

"But everyone said he wasn't really that close to us. So even if we asked, he probably wouldn't have come anyway."
"Well, enough about him."

Luna: We wish.

"Midgar is really something. But to tell the truth, I feel so behind on everything... so out of it."
"Even the rooms of people in the slums are clean."
"Right now I'm living in the slums, but I plan to move to a really nice room, like the ones I've seen in magazines, once I make some money."

(Margie starts to nod off. Luna nudges her, but to no avail.)

"...but, to do that, I guess I have to find a job fast. That's right. I still haven't found a job yet."

Luna: (as Cloud, reading) "Yup, I suck."

"I lied to my parents and told them I found a great job with Shinra, Inc."
"I wonder if it's too late to back. Sometimes I think I should've taken over my parents' store."

Tifa
"Cloud, do you remember all of it?"

Cloud
"Yeah, I remember it all."

Cloud
"Because there was some stuff about me..."

Luna: Actually, there's not.

"I just made it here to Midgar but all I think about is Nibelheim."
"Hey, Tifa... Is that stupid old water tower still working?"
"Is the old man at the Inn doing well? Are my parents still at the shop everyday? Have any monsters attacked?"

Luna: (as Cloud, reading) "...Cloud? I sure hope so."

"And most of all, how are you, Tifa? It feels like I haven't seen you for years."

Luna: (as Tifa) Actually, I've never heard of you before.

"We were all talking about you last night."

Luna: Ooooh, I do not wanna know what went on in that conversation.

Margie: (half-asleep) 11.

"Everyone likes you. But because everyone idolizes you, I couldn't very well stab them in the back."
"I always acted cool, but actually, I was just afraid of being jilted."
"Wow, if I keep writing like this, this'll become a love letter!"

Luna: Yeah, God forbid it should get interesting.

"So, I think I'll stop here. Take care. I'll write again."
"P.S. Write me back, okay?"

Luna: (elbowing Margie) It's over. Wake up.

Margie: (yawning) You're sure?

Luna: Yep. Long-haired insane bishounen coming up.

Margie: Goody!

"...Oh, you're with the Shinra? Welcome."
"Oh, I'm sorry! It's you, Cloud! I didn't recognize you."

Luna: You looked reasonable and polite there for a sec.

(Two kids run into the room.)

Luna: Auuuugh! Cuteness! Get it off!

"Shinra----?"

"Chinra---?"

Margie: (as the kids) Shinra Chinra Dinka Doo! Make Cloud's hair turn red and blue! Poof!

"SOLDIER?"

"Saltza?"

"Are you going to kill the monsters?"

".....are you going to?"

Luna: (as the kids) Hey Unca Cloud! You're a wuss!

"Cloud, you've grown to be a strong man."

"Do your best."

"Do your best."

Margie: I will call them... Mini-Me's.

".....Hmmmm"
"Is Shinra here to get rid of the monsters?"

Cloud
"And who are you?"

"I'm Zangan. I travel around the world teaching children martial arts."

Margie: We offer advanced degrees in head-cracking, ass-kicking, and advanced revenge. Or, try our associate program in thuggery!

(He jumps over Cloud.)

Zangan
"I have 128 students all over the world!"

Luna: And if you recruit them all, we'll revive Aerith!

"In this town, a girl named Tifa is my student."

Cloud
"Did you say Tifa?"

Zangan
"Tifa has good sense. She'll be a powerful fighter."

"The, uh.... The whole Inn's booked up by Shinra for the night."

Margie: (as the innkeeper) You know, the uh... the... thing.

"...?"

Luna: KWEHHH?!

"Cloud...?"
"Is it you, Cloud?"
"It must've been two years."

Margie: I bet you could cut through Cloud's hair spike and count the rings...

"Say, you've really moved up in the world, being under Sephiroth's command."

Luna: ...among other things.

Margie: An easy 12.

(Cloud goes to the second floor of the inn. Sephiroth stands on the landing, looking out the window.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) I'd rather... just... SINNNNG....

Cloud
"What are you looking at?"

(A guard comes upstairs and goes into the bedroom.)

Luna: (as Cloud) Ooh, a threeway?!

Margie: Blargh, and 13.

Sephiroth
"...This scenery.......I feel like I know this place."

Luna: Yeah, you were just outside...

"..........."
"We have an early start tomorrow. You should get some sleep soon."

Cloud
"It's still early."

Sephiroth
"...I'm not going to wake you up tomorrow."

Luna: I'm not touching that one!

Margie: It's still 14.

(The next morning. The group is outside, near the Shinra Mansion. Cloud speaks to Sephiroth.)

Margie: (as Cloud) ...and then the vinyl washes right off.

Sephiroth
"Once the guide gets here, we're heading out."

(Tifa enters, wearing a kawaii cowboy hat. Tifa's father steps forward.)

Luna: Which one will Sephiroth choose?

Margie: (as Cloud) Pick me! Pick me!

Tifa's father
"Listen to me, Sephiroth. In case something happens..."

Luna: (as Tifa's father) ...we've had her tested, but child support is your problem.

Sephiroth
"...Trust me."

Margie: (singing) Trust me to let you down...

Tifa
"I have two men from SOLDIER with me."

Luna: What else is new?

(She turns to Sephiroth.)

Tifa
"I'm Tifa. Nice to meet you!"

Cloud
"Tifa! You're the guide?"

(He runs forward.)

Luna: (as Tifa) I'm Tifa. Nice to meet you!

Tifa
"That's right."
"I just happen to be the number one guide in this town."

Luna: So that's what they call them here...

Cloud
"It's too dangerous! I can't involve you in something like this!"

(Sephiroth takes a step toward the town exit, then turns to Cloud.)

Sephiroth
"Then there's no problem if you respect her."

Luna: ...and wash thoroughly.

"....Let's go."

(He walks to the exit. The photographer from before steps forward.)

"Ummm....."

(Sephiroth turns.)

"Mr. Sephiroth! Please let me take one picture for a memento!"

Luna: A memento of what, exactly?

"Tifa, can you ask him for me too......?"

(Cloud stands by the wall of the Shinra Mansion. Tifa stands next to him. Sephiroth, slowly, comes over and stands by Tifa.)

Margie: (as Tifa) You're cute! Go out with me? Teehee!

Luna: (as Sephiroth, solemnly) Euuugh. Cooties.

"Cheeeeese!"

Luna: Indeed.

(The photographer takes the picture. Sephiroth immediately walks toward the exit again.)

Margie: (as Seph, muttering) Damn paparazzi. What is it with them and Ancients?

"Great, thank you!"
"I'll give each of you a copy once I get it developed!"

Luna: (as the photographer) After you all fall to your deaths and I sell it to every tabloid I can find, of course. Have a good trip!

(FMV sequence of a flyby of the dark, foreboding Nibel Mountains.)

Margie: (soothing commercial voice) Visit the fresh mountain air of Nibelheim, where you'll plunge toward a rocky grave while admiring the strange local wildlife. Be sure to visit our Reactor facility, the historic site of the showdown between The Great Sephiroth and some random guy. Nibelheim getaway packages begin at 3,000 gil.

There was a Mako Reactor built in Mt. Nibel.
The cold air of the mountains of Nibel. It was no different...

(We see the party walking along a mountain path, then Cloud at a rickety rope bridge. He begins walking across and meets Tifa standing in the middle. She continues a bit. The two guards catch up.)

Margie: (as a guard) So Cloud's not actually Cloud?

Luna: (as a guard) Right, and Sephiroth isn't really Sephiroth either.

Margie: (as a guard) Ohhhh.

Tifa
"It gets harder from here! Follow me!"

Luna: Because trust us, she'd know!

Margie: A rare heterosexual 15!

(She runs the rest of the way across. Cloud follows. He meets Tifa and Sephiroth near the opposite side, when the screen starts to shake...)

Tifa
"Uh... the bridge!!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Um, I think!

(The bridge breaks in the middle. FMV sequence of the collapsing bridge. Cloud grabs Tifa's hand, holding her up, then Cloud falls, then everyone. The camera follows the broken, empty bridge as it swings, colliding with the side of the canyon....)

Luna: ...because it's easier to animate than the people are.

(...The scene changes again. We see the party, sans one guard, land at the foot of the canyon...)

Margie: (as the surviving guard) Uh... did anybody else see that charging elephant...?

Sephiroth
"Everyone seems to be all right. Can we get back to where we were?"

Margie: Sure, just push Reset.

Tifa
"These caves are intertwined, just like an ant farm..."
"Oh, and Sephiroth.... There seems to be one person missing..."

Luna: (as Tifa) ...me. Wait...

Sephiroth
"It may sound cold, but we've got no time to search for him. We can't go back now, so we must go on.
We'll travel together from here."

(Cloud, Tifa, Sephiroth, and the one remaining guard travel along the path, reaching a cave, dimly lit but with brightly colored, sparkling walls.)

Margie: (singing) Beautiful co-lor-iiii-sm! We love Prism-a-tiiis-m! Our favorite ism is Prismatism, we love to prismatize!

Luna: You should be smacked just for remembering that.

Margie: Hey, it's my job.

Cloud
"What's this?"

Tifa
"A mysteriously colored cave..."

Luna: Somehow, our heroes have wandered into the Nibelheim Disco.

Sephiroth
"It must be the Mako energy. This mountain is especially abundant in it. That's why the Mako Reactor was built here."

(They continue through the cave, reaching a beautiful, glittering fountain.)

Cloud
"...And what's this?"

Sephiroth
"A Mako fountain. It's a miracle of nature."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) And so it must die.

Margie: (in narrator voice) Sephiroth hacks it in half with the Masamune.

Tifa
"It's so beautiful..."

(She walks to the fountain.)

Tifa
"If the Mako Reactor countinues to suck up the energy, this fountain will dry up too..."

Margie: (as Tifa) Hear that, Cloud?

Luna: 16. And thank you for the vivid image.

(Sephiroth comes to the fountain.)

Sephiroth
"Materia. When you condense Mako energy, materia is produced."
"It's very rare to be able to see materia in its natural state."

Margie: Nudist materia?!

(Cloud walks to the fountain.)

Cloud
"By the way... Why is it that when you use materia you can also use magic too?"

Sephiroth
"You were in SOLDIER and didn't even know that?"
"...the knowledge and wisdom of the Ancients is held in the materia."

Margie: Ancient kids made them to cheat on tests.

"Anyone with this knowledge can freely use the powers of the Land and the Planet. That knowledge interacts between ourselves and the planet calling up magic..... or so they say."

Margie: (as Sephiroth, seriously) I think it's all a conspiracy. It's really all about aliens.

Cloud
"Magic...... a mysterious power."

Luna: Not unlike testosterone, eh Cloud?

(Tifa looks around, then bends down.)

Margie: (as Cloud) No, not here!!

Sephiroth
"Ha, ha, ha!"

Cloud
"Did I say somethin' funny?"

Margie: (as Sephiroth, expressionlessly) No, I was just remembering last week's Bizarro.

Sephiroth
"A man once told me never to use an unscientific term such as mysterious power! It shouldn't even be called magic!"

Margie: And that's, uh, hilarious! Yeah...

"I still remember how angry he was."

Cloud
"Who was that?"

Sephiroth
"Hojo of Shinra, Inc. ... An inexperienced man assigned to take over the work of a great scientist."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) ...Dr. Wily. Now THERE'S a mad scientist's mad scientist...

"He was a walking mass of complexes."

Margie: Ew.

(Tifa looks up.)

Margie: (as Tifa) I'm Tifa. Nice to meet you!

Luna: All right, give it up.

Tifa
"A Mako fountain... So this is where the knowledge of the Ancients is."

(We are at the Mako Reactor in Mt. Nibel. The group approaches the stairs up to the entrance.)

Tifa
"We finally made it. We sure took the long way though."

Margie: (as Cloud) Hey, we had fun in Costa del Sol that one weekend...

Cloud
"Tifa, you wait here."

Luna: (as Cloud) Sit! Stay!

Tifa
"I'm going inside too! I wanna see!"

Luna: (as Sephiroth) No, this is our special moment!

Margie: That'd qualify as 17.

(Sephiroth climbs halfway up the stairs, then looks over his shoulder at Tifa.)

Sephiroth
"Only authorized people are allowed in. This place is full of Shinra's industrial secrets."

Tifa
"But!"

Luna: (as Tifa) But I'm cute, dammit!

(Sephiroth turns to the guard.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, suavely) Hey, wanna see why they call me the Great Sephiroth?

Luna: Arrgh.

Sephiroth
"Take care of the lady."

Luna: (as the guard) Heh heh heh.

Margie: Still trucking at 18.

(Cloud and Sephiroth climb up the stairs and enter the reactor. The guard blocks Tifa's path in.)

Tifa
"Mm, man!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Sephy was next on my list, darnit!

(She turns away and angrily plants her hands on her hips.)

Tifa
"Better take real good care of me then!"

Luna: (as the guard) I repeat, heh heh heh.

Margie: 18 and a half.

(We see Cloud following Sephiroth into the Mako reactor. Look at the picture... look familiar?)

Luna: ALL too familiar.

Margie: Yeah, there was that one with the Masamune... (shudders)

(...Cloud follows him through a door. The next room is bathed in red light. There are many metal pods in rows, each with a clear glass portal to look into. Sephiroth is standing at the top of the stairs leading though the middle of the rows. There is a door by him. Above the door is a plate with one word engraved on it- Jenova....)

Margie: ...cation.

Luna: ...riant.

Margie: ...cillate.

Luna: ...va-voom.

Cloud
"This is...... Jenova, right? The lock won't open..."

(Cloud follows him partway back down the stairs, then stops. Sephiroth examines one of the pods.)

Sephiroth
"This is the reason for the malfunction. This part is broken."

Margie: (as Sephiroth, solemnly) Move the thingy and ratchet up the whatsis.

"Cloud, close the valve."

(He walks to another pod. Cloud closes the valve on the first pod, then walks to Sephiroth.)

Sephiroth
"Why did it break...?"

Luna: Maybe because of people jumping all over it?

(He jumps up and peers into the viewport of the pod. He speaks to himself.)

Sephiroth
"...now I see, Hojo."
"But, even doing this, will never put you on the same level as Professor Gast."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) He throws 3d20 damage.

(To Cloud)

Sephiroth
"This is a system that condenses and freezes the Mako energy... that is, when it's working correctly."
"Now, what does Mako energy become when it's further condensed?"

Cloud
"Uh, umm...... Oh yeah! It becomes a Materia."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) WRONG!!

Margie: (in narrator voice) Sephiroth runs Cloud through with the Masamune.

Sephiroth
"Right, normally. But Hojo put something else in there. ...Take a look."
"Look through the window."

Margie: (as Cloud) Ewwwww, sixty pounds of chewed gum!

(Cloud hops up, peers into the pod and sees... a hideous, unnatural monster. He lets go of his handhold below the portal and lands sitting on the floor.)

Cloud
"Wh... what is this!?"

Luna: It's the floor, genius.

Sephiroth
"Normal members of SOLDIER are humans that have been showered with Mako."
"You're different from the others, but still human."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) ....sort of.

"But what are they? They've been exposed to a high degree of Mako, far more than you."

(Cloud gets to his feet.)

Cloud
"...Is this some kind of monster?"

Margie: (singing) You're some kiiiinda mon-ster, yeah... make me feel... oh so ree-al...

Sephiroth
"Exactly. And it's Hojo if Shinra that produced these monsters."
"Mutated living organisms produced by Mako energy. That's what these monsters really are."

Cloud
"Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're different?"

Luna: Get the new Cloud Strife SOLDIER-wannabe action figure! With Delayed Reaction Action!

(Sephiroth clutches his head, trembling.)

Cloud
"H... hey, Sephiroth!"

(He puts out his hand.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Darling!

Sephiroth
"N... no...."

(Sephiroth stops trembling.)

Sephiroth
"...Was I?"

(He draws his sword and begins furiously attacking the pods. Cloud jumps away.)

Luna: (as Seph, yelling) And they - ALWAYS - PICKED me - LAST - in GYM class -

Sephiroth
"...Was I created this way too?"

(He slashes at the first pod.)

Luna: (as Sephiroth) And that's for the prom!

Sephiroth
"Am I the same as all these monsters....."

(Cloud interrupts.)

Cloud
"...Sephiroth."

Margie: (as Cloud) Of course not, you're MUCH hotter.

(Sephiroth just continues attacking the pod with his sword... then after a long moment, he stops, his shoulders heaving.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Hold me.

Sephiroth
"You saw it! All of them.... were humans...."

Cloud
"Human!? No way!"

(Sephiroth stops and turns towards Cloud, his sword still drawn.)

Luna: (as Seph, a little insanely) And YOU.... Where were you at homecoming?!?

Sephiroth
"....I've always felt since I was small..."
"That I was different from the others. Special, in some way."

Luna: You said it, man, not us.

"But... not like this...."

(He looks down, shaking his head. Suddenly, there is a loud noise and he jerks his head up. FMV sequence. One of the pods explodes with a hiss of steam. The front half falls foward, revealing another monster, like the one Cloud saw. It lies there on the overturned dome of metal, not fully formed, twitching..... repulsive.)

Luna: Finally, something neither Tifa OR Aeris will hit on!

(...The screen fades to black.)

Margie: (as Cloud) And so we lived happily ever after.

Am I... human?
I didn't quite understand what Sephiroth was saying at that time.
I was even more surprised by that fact that Shinra was producing monsters.

Luna: Yeah, 'cause the Shinra are usually so caring and honest with the public.

(The scene changes back to the inn at Kalm.)

Luna: Everyone is asleep.

Barret
"Damn, Shinra! the more I hear, the more I hate 'em!"

Tifa
"......who would have ever thought the Mako Reactor held a secret like that."

Red XIII
"That would seem to explain the increase in the number of monsters recently."
"I think we should listen carefully to Cloud. Don't you think so Barret?"

Barret
"(Why you talkin' to me!?)"

Margie: (as Red) Actually, I was speaking primarily to the audience... oh, never mind.

Cloud
"Save game and take a rest."

Luna: (as Barret) What the HELL you talkin' about, boy?

Barret
"Yeah, mebbe so. Wanna take a breather here?"

(The PLAYER can save the game)

(We are in the inn at Kalm.)

Luna: Crying desperately for help.

Aerith
"Tifa.... You were waiting outside then?"

Tifa
".....Yes."

Cloud
"We returned to Nibelheim. Sephiroth confined himself at the inn. He didn't even try to talk to me."

Tifa
"Then all of a sudden he just disappeared, right?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Were you guys reading ahead in the script or what?!

Cloud
"We found him inside the biggest building in Nibelheim."

Tifa
"The villagers used to call it Shinra mansion."

Cloud
"Long ago, people from Shinra used to live in that mansion..."

Luna: In the Shinra mansion? Nooooooooo....

(The scene is now Nibelheim. Cloud runs out of the inn with a guard, then runs to Shinra mansion. He passes through a group of people milling outside the gate, then enters. He climbs to a bedroom on the top floor. A guard is waiting at the door.)

Luna: (as the guard) You're next on the list, go right in.

Margie: 19.

"There's no sign of Sephiroth, but I know I saw him go into this room..."

(Cloud enters the bedroom. He passes through a secret door in the fireplace, down a long spiral staircase, and through a dark cave. He reaches a secret library, where Sephiroth paces back and forth, absorbed in a book.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, reading) "Dear Diary. Woke up this morning, still evil..." - What the hell?!

Sephiroth
"....an organism that was apparently dead, was found in a 2000 year old geological stratum."
"Professor Gast named that organism, Jenova..."

Luna: ...gue.

Margie: ...nquished.

Luna: ...cuous.

(The camera pans up.)

Sephiroth
"X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenova confirmed to be an Ancient..."
"X Year, X Month, X Day. Jenova Project approved. The use of Mako Reactor 1 approved for use..."

Luna: X Year, X Month, X Day, more vague pseudoscientific babble...

(Sephiroth walks down a narrow hallway lined with books. He stops and looks upwards.)

Sephiroth
"My mother's name is Jenova... Jenova Project... Is this just a coincedence?"

Luna: Of course. Just ask Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, Cid, and Sid.

Margie: Not to mention Kain Highwind, Sarisa Highwind, and Cid Highwind. No relation.

(He looks downward.)

Sephiroth
"Professor Gast... Why didn't you tell me anything? ...Why did you die?"

Margie: (in a ghostly voice) It's not like I could help it!

(Cloud leaves. The camera returns to the book-lined hallway. As Cloud speaks, we see a series of images of Sephiroth, reading....)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, reading) "...Her SOLDIER uniform slid to the floor, exposing her creamy, heaving-"

Luna: Oh come on, this is Sephiroth we're talking about here.

(...With each successive image, the bookshelves become emptier, and the stacks of books on the floor grow higher.)

Sephiroth didn't come out of the Shinra Mansion...
He continued to read as if he were possessed by something, and not once, did the light in the basement go out...

Margie: (singing) Take me out toniiiight, where there's SOLDIERS and experiments and they're still half-aliiiiive...

(Cloud is lying on a bed on the first floor of the Shinra Mansion. He awakens, and goes down to the library, passing the guard in the bedroom.)

"Sephiroth seems different."

Luna: The word is "freakish".

(He continues down the stairs to the library. When he arrives, Sephiroth laughs from offscreen.)

Sephiroth
"Ha, ha, ha..."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) "Dilbert" rules!

(Cloud runs down the hallway of books, to the inner reading room.)

Sephiroth
"Who is it!?"

Luna: (as Sephiroth) Don't come any closer!! You all have space germs!

(Sephiroth is seated at a large desk, surrounded by books. The shelves that line the walls are in several places bare of books, and a couple of the shelves have fallen down.)

Sephiroth
"Hmph... traitor."

Cloud
"Traitor?"

Sephiroth
"You ignorant traitor. I'll tell you."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) Traitor.

(He faces the wall.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, to the wall) Only you understand me...

Sephiroth
"This Planet originally belonged to the Cetra. Cetra was a itinerant race. They would migrate in, settle the Planet, then move on..."
"At the end of their harsh, hard journey, they would find the Promised Land and supreme happiness."

(He turns to Cloud.)

Sephiroth
"But, those that disliked the journey appeared. Those who stopped their migrations built shelters and elected to lead an easier life."
"They took that which the Cetra and the planet had made without giving one whit in return!"

(He looks down.)

Sephiroth
"Those are your ancestors."

Cloud
"Sephiroth..."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...that's a coloring book.

Sephiroth
"Long ago, disaster struck this planet."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) In Nibelheim there was born one named Cloud, and that was the beginning of the end...

(He looks up and walks to another spot, facing the wall.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Oh sweet masonry... if only we could be together...

Sephiroth
"Your ancestors escaped... They survived because they hid."
"The Planet was saved by sacrificing the Cetra. After that, your ancestors continued to increase."

(He looks at Cloud.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Oh... you're still here.

Sephiroth
"Now all that's left of the Cetra is in these reports."

Cloud
"What does that have to do with you?"

Sephiroth
"Don't you get it?"

Luna: (as Sephiroth) I'm giving the expository speech! How else are they gonna know the background if we don't force-feed 'em?

(He stands next to Cloud, not facing him, but facing down the hallway.)

Sephiroth
"An Ancient named Jenova was found in the geological stratum of 2000 years ago."
"The Jenova Project."

(He holds his face.)

Margie: Euuugh.

Luna: That just sounds..... wrong.

Sephiroth
"The Jenova Project wanted to produce people with the powers of the Ancients..... no, the Cetra."

Margie: (as Seph) ...no, both.

(He looks up and straightens.)

Sephiroth
"...I am the one that was produced."

(Cloud turns to face him. Sephiroth does not turn.)

Margie: That's available only in the Super Action Sephiroth! This is the Amazing Talking Sephiroth.

Cloud
"Pr... produced!?"

(The camera is now looking at Cloud and Sephiroth from down the narrow hallway.)

Sephiroth
"Yes."
"Professor Gast, leader of the Jenova Project and genius scientist, produced me."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Hojo directed, Lucrecia starred, and Vincent was (lasciviously) key grip.

Luna: Eesh.

(Sephiroth walks down the hallway, then stops and stands motionless at the end.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, monotone) Help. I'm stuck.

Cloud
"How... how did he...?"

(He runs after Sephiroth, then stops.)

Cloud
"Se... Sephiroth?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Sephiroth is Sephiroth?!

Sephiroth
"Out of my way. I'm going to see my mother."

Margie: (as Sephiroth, grimly) She's baking me cookies.

(He walks, determinedly, out of the library. Cloud follows, out of the mansion.)

21. Hair Wax Nostalgic, part III: Mother's Little Helper

(Cloud exits the Shinra Mansion. The entire village is consumed in fire; flames and smoke reaching high into the sky. He runs to the courtyard. Zangan is tending to an injured person lying on the ground.)

Zangan
"Hey it's you! You're still sane, right?"

Luna: Still? Was he ever?

"Then come over here and help me!"

(Cloud runs to Zangan, leaping over a piece of flaming debris.)

Zangan
"I'll check this house. You check that one over there!"

Margie: (as Cloud) Of course, I know exactly which house you're speaking of. There are only six of them in town, after all.

(He runs into the house next to the Inn. Cloud speaks to the person on the ground. It's the photographer from before.)

"Hey, Ummm... Am I going to die?"

Luna: (as the photographer) ...and stuff?

(A guard is lying on the ground near Tifa's house.)

"Sephi... roth"

Luna: See, Tifa's rotating velvet bed and mirrored ceiling come in handy for everyone.

(Cloud runs into the house next to Tifa's, his mother's house, then runs out. He shakes his head sadly, then walks to the center of the courtyard. The screen fades to black.)

Cloud
"Terrible..."
"Sephiroth... This is too terrible..."

Margie: (as Cloud, tragically) My hair-care products exploded...

(The camera switches to an angle where we can see both the courtyard and the Shinra Mansion. Near the steps leading down to the courtyard stands Sephiroth. Two townspeople rush toward him in an attempt to subdue him. He cuts them down with his sword. FMV sequence. Sephiroth stands in the midst of the flames, an empty expression on his face, then walks away, through the fire, unharmed....)

Margie: I knew it! Not only Seph, but all of Nibelheim is flaming!

Luna: (groans) No... bad... number 20.

(...A flyby of the Nibel Mountains, past the Mako Reactor. Cloud dashes into the reactor and climbs down to the entrance to the pod room. Tifa is kneeling in front of the door. A long, thin, sword is on the floor nearby. A man lies before her, dead.)

Margie: (as Tifa, in a monkish drone) Iiiiiiii sacrifice this mortal in the name of the almighty goddess of all that is fanservicey and codependennnnnnt...

Tifa
"Papa..."

(She leans down to him.)

Luna: (as Tifa) Um, is it too late to ask if I can borrow the car?

Tifa
"Sephiroth!?"

(She straightens.)

Tifa
"Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he!?"

Margie: He does it to everyone; haven't you read any fanfic?

Luna: 21, unfortunately...

(She slumps forward.)

Tifa
"Sephiroth... SOLDIER... Mako Reactors... Shinra... Everything!"

Luna: (as Tifa) Christmas!

Margie: (as Tifa) Underwear!

Luna: (as Tifa) Subtlety!

Margie: (as Tifa) Puppies!!

(She sits up; then, in fury-)

Tifa
"I hate them all!"

(She stands, picks up the sword, then runs into the pod room. Cloud follows.)

Margie: (as Cloud) What was that about underwear...?

(Sephiroth stands before the thick steel door at the top of the stairs in the pod room. He places his hands on the door.)

Sephiroth
"Mother, I'm here to see you. Please, open this door."

Margie: (as Sephiroth, calmly) I know yellow isn't your favorite color for roses, but did you have to burn down the entire town?

(The camera pans downward. We see Tifa, wielding Sephiroth's sword and assuming a fighting stance, at the bottom of the stairs.)

Luna: Of course, it could be an arabesque, but she's just assuming.

Tifa
"How could you do that to papa and all the townspeople?"

Luna: He's the ultimate Final Fantasy seme, that's how.

Margie: 21.75.

(She runs up the stairs in a blind fury. She tries to attack Sephiroth, who wrestles the blade away from her with ease. He cuts Tifa down. The sound of his blade echoes....)

Margie: I wonder if he can download replacement sounds for that thing? "Take that! HONK!"

(...as we see Tifa, in slow motion, fly backwards and land, crumpled, at the bottom of the stairs. Cloud runs into the room and stops, in shock. Sephiroth, carrying his sword, turns calmly and walks into Jenova's room. Cloud runs to Tifa and kneels by her.)

Tifa
"...You promised... You promised that you'd come.... when I was in trouble..."

Margie: (singing) And iiiif I have to get cut down I'll maaaake you fall for me, I promise you, I promise you...

(Cloud picks up her up, gently, then carefully, tenderly, leans her against one of the pods. He rushes up the stairs, after Sephiroth.)

Margie: (as Cloud) Dammit, Seph, you didn't finish it!

(Jenova's room. We see Jenova, a bizarre female being hidden beneath oddly angelic armor....)

Luna: This is Square; trust me, it's not odd.

(...connected to a mass of machines and electrical equipment. The camera pans down to show Sephiroth, standing facing his mother with his arms raised.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth, mildly) I am Sephiroth, High Priestess of the Temple of Jenova...welcome, young Cloud!

Sephiroth
"Mother, let's take this planet back together."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) Mother, can I run for president?

"I've thought of a great idea. Let's go to the Promised Land."

Margie: (as Sephiroth) You can get a Promised Land commemorative spoon for your collection.

(Cloud enters the room, coming up behind Sephiroth.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth..."
"My family! My hometown! How could you do this to them!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) You said you'd always be mine! (sobs)

(Sephiroth, slowly, looks down and lowers his arms. His shoulders start bouncing.)

Margie: Follow the bouncing shoulders!

Sephiroth
"Ha, ha, ha..... They've come again, mother."

Luna: He's gonna start crossdressing, isn't he.

(He stops.)

Sephiroth
"With her superior power, knowledge, and magic, Mother was destined to become the ruler of this Planet."

Luna: Actually, it's usually superior money, connections, and TV presence, but one can dream.

(FMV sequence. Sephiroth speaks to Jenova,

But they...
Those worthless creatures

Margie: (as Sephiroth)
They steal my soul
And leave me nothing
But agony and pain
Angst parade, oh baby, angst parade...

are stealing the planet from Mother
But now I'm here with you
so don't worry

Margie: (as Sephiroth)
I am the only one
Oh yeah, except for you, I forgot about you
Just you and me spiralling through thiscrazyworldofpain
Angst parade!!

Luna: (announcer voice) "Angst Parade", from The Ultimate Pain of Ultimate Power: The Collected Poems of Sephiroth, published by Jenova Press. Coming soon from Jenova Press: Pain, Agony, Torture, Nightmares and More Pain: The Collected Poems of Vincent Valentine.

(...then tears the upper half of her armor off, snapping wires and intricate machinery. We see what was inside the armor. Jenova's true form. A fragile, alien woman, skin blue as if she was frozen for many years.)

Margie: "Jenova reveals her TRUE FORM!"

Luna: Ahhh, just throw a spoon at her, the last bosses always suck... blah blah standard gamer rant blah.

(Cloud brandishes his sword.)

Cloud
"What about MY sadness!? My family... friends... The sadness of having my hometown taken away from me!?"
"It's the same as your sadness!"

(Sephiroth stands by Jenova, his arms raised, holding his sword high.)

Margie: Nice outfit, by the way.

Luna: (as Sephiroth) You will ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!! Oh, but first, can you hang me from the ceiling and spank me with a riding crop? Thanks.

Sephiroth
"Ha, ha, ha... my sadness? What do I have to be sad about?"

Luna: How about the fact that you're helping your mom conquer the world?

"I am the chosen one. I have been chosen to be the leader of this Planet."
"I have orders to take this planet back from you stupid people for the Cetra. What am I supposed to be sad about?"

(Cloud turns his face away.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth.... I trusted you..."

(He looks up and raises his sword.)

Margie: (as Cloud) My love is no more... I have no reason to go on....

Cloud
"No, you're not the Sephiroth I used to know!"

Luna: He's better. Faster. More insane.

(The camera cuts between Cloud and Sephiroth, slowly at first, then building speed, until the two of them seem to blur into each other, Cloud with his sword raised for battle, Sephiroth, chin on his chest, his sword-grip held close to his face... the screen goes white.)

Luna: (as Cloud) ...and the rest is kinda obscene.

(Cloud and the others are in the inn at Kalm.)

Cloud
"....and that's the end of my story."

Barret
"Wait a damn minute! Ain't there more?"

Luna & Margie: NO!

Cloud
"....I don't remember."

Aerith
"What happened to Sephiroth?"

Luna: Ohhh, don't worry, you'll get your chance.

Cloud
"In terms of skill, I couldn't have killed him."

Tifa
"Official records state Sephiroth is dead. I read it in the newspaper."

Aerith
"Shinra, Inc. owns the newspaper, so you can't rely on that information."

Luna: Shinra, Inc. owns you all.

Cloud
"......I want to know the truth. I want to know what happened then."
"I challenged Sephiroth amd lived. Why didn't he kill me?"

Luna: Good question.

Tifa
".......I'm alive, too."

Margie: (singing) Ohhhh IiiiiIIIIII, I'm still aliiive, yeahhhh...

Aerith
"Seems like a lot of this doesn't make sense. What about Jenova? It was in the Shinra building, right?"

Margie: (as Aerith) Oh, and why haven't I called you on that whole pretending-to-be-Zack thing?

Cloud
"Shinra shipped it from Nibelheim to Midgar."

Aerith
"Did someone else carry it out after that? It was missing from the Shinra building."

Tifa
"Sephiroth.....?"

Margie: (as Tifa) Who's Sephiroth?

(A pause.)

Barret
"Damn! Don't none of this make sense!"

Luna: Barret has more sense than the rest of this game combined.

"I'm going, going, going, gone!"
"And I'm leavin' the thinkin' to you!"

Luna: To Cloud?!

(Barret stops by the top of the stairs.)

Barret
"Yo, Cloud! Let's get a move on!"

Cloud
"Wait a sec."

Margie: (as Cloud) All that talking about Sephiroth... I need a moment to myself... y'know... (coughs)

Luna: Okay, now that's just wrong.

Barret
"Cloud, what's wrong? You just gonna stand there while Sephiroth heads for the Promised Land?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Actually, I planned to hide under the bed.

"I ain't lettin' Sephiroth or Shinra get to no Promised Land. If they do, then we're all screwed."
"Y'know what I'm sayin'!"

Cloud
"Beautiful, just beautiful!"

Barret
"Y'all jes' leave it to me!"

(He runs out.)

Cloud
"Oh brother..."

Tifa
".........."
"Cloud...?"

Luna: (as Tifa) You're Cloud, right?

(She walks forward. Cloud turns to her.)

Tifa
"How bad was I when Sephiroth cut me?"

Cloud
"I thought you were a goner. ......I was really sad."

Luna: (as Cloud) ...that you survived.

Tifa
".........."

Aerith
"I..."
"The Ancients..... Cetra.... Jenova...... Sephiroth and myself....."

Luna: Aerith 3.0 Random Line Generator... now installing Noun Module... update complete.

Tifa
"Let's go. Barret's waiting."

(Everyone leaves except Red XIII, still seated by the window, tail twitching curiously.)

Red XIII
"What a fascinating story....."

Luna: Ohhh great, Red got into the space cakes.

(Cloud comes downstairs into the lobby of the inn in Kalm. Barret and Red XIII are waiting.)

Barret
"Yo, Cloud. Here."

(Barret gives Cloud the "PHS.")

(Changing party members) Access the menu and select [PHS]. It can only be used on the World Map or at a Save Point.

Luna: Yes, even in Midgar. Cellular access in the FF7 world really sucks, apparently.

Red XIII
"[PHS], will put us in constant contact with each other."

Luna: (as Red) I have used a misplaced comma. I am now disgraced. Excuse me while I gouge my other eye out with a spoon.

Barret
"Awright then, we're outta here..".

People in Kalm

"Listen to me!
Just now, some guy in a black cloak goes walked east towards that grassy field."
"And he's got this killer sword, and is looking REAL scary......."

Margie: ...and yet strangely alluring...

"Tourists, huh? There are some things you should know that'll come in handy when you travel around the world........"

Luna: (as the tour guide) We all hate you, so you may as well dump your money and go home.

"Want me to tell you what they are?"

Cloud
"Tell me."

"Then let me explain how to use the world map."
"Well then, what do you want to know?"

Cloud
"Changing the camera angle."

"First of all, press the [L2 button] on the controller to change the camera angle."

Luna: (as Cloud) Camera?! You mean someone is watching us?!

"There are 2 angles to choose from, select the one you like."
"You can then rotate the angles either way by pressing the [L1 button] and [R1 button]."
"Try different angles until you find the one you like best. It makes the journey a lot more fun!"

Luna: Rrrrrrrriiiight.

Cloud
"Map indicators."

Luna: (as Cloud) I've never heard of any of this before, but somehow I know exactly what to ask.

"Press the [Start button] once to view the World Map."
"There is a large and small map. Learn when to use which, and you won't get lost as much."
"Push the [Start button] twice to change the size of the map, and once more to turn it off."
"Pretty easy, huh?"

Cloud
"Operating the buttons."

Luna: (as Cloud) .....on something. I guess.

"You can ride things by pressing the [SELECT button] and get off by pressing the [cancel button]. This isn't so hard, either!"

Luna: Okay, I give up. The fourth wall is now obliterated. Hi, Cloud!! (waves)

Margie: (as Cloud) Hi, Luna!! (waves)

"Oh, yes, yes. You can't dash with the World Map on, so make sure not to press the [cancel button] unless you get off."
"Remember this because Chocobos will run away as soon as you get off them, so be careful."

"Thanks to Shinra, Inc. developing Mako energy for us, everything's more convenient now."

"The famous floating city, Midgar... Just once I'd love to see it in person."

Luna: ...and find out that it's not floating.

"I heard President Shinra was killed. And his son Rufus, the new president, was badly hurt."
"Hey, I bet that's news to you?"

Cloud
"Don't care."

"Don't care? If you're going to travel, you'd best keep an eye on what Shinra's doing."

Luna: If you're going to travel, or if you like puking every forty-five minutes or so.

"Shinra is leading the world around by the nose, and you guys are just gonna sit back and take it?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Actually, we were gonna take that bull by the horns and swing it around like a dead cat till the cows come home!

"I hear that the natural resources near the reactors are being sucked dry."

Luna: Damn, the flashback is over. No points.

"We're better off with them bringing in the Mako energy."

"My old man was a miner, but he couldn't go to work after monsters started appearing in the Mythril Mine."
"Now all he does is sit around getting drunk in the bar..."

Margie: You know, a lot of the dads in this game seem to be big on drinking too.

Luna: Yeah, they're either drunk or dead... (singsong) Soooome-one's got iiiissues...

"Is it true that Shinra made a Monster?"

Margie: (singing) And the Shinraaaa... made a monster in the shape of a mannnn...

Luna: What the hell are you doing listening to Morrissey, anyway?

Margie: Who's MSTing whose own script, now?

Cloud
"It's true."

Luna: (as Cloud) And he's dreamy!!

"Yeah, well, either way, as long as we're using the reactor, we can't stand up to Shinra."

"I got my health, and enough to eat... all's well."

"Thanks to Mako energy, life's pretty darn convenient. Thanks to Shinra."
"Don't you think?"

Margie: (as the townsperson) Thanks to you.

Cloud
"You're full of it."

Luna: Technically, Cloud, you are.

"Hmmn. But I hate to think of what life'd be like without Mako energy."
"Yeah, Mako energy's made our lives much easier. And it's all thanks to Shinra, Inc."

Luna: What is this, the Academy Awards?

"Mako energy's made things a lot more convenient....."

Luna: So has spray cheese, but that doesn't make it good.

"But seems like a lot of plants and animals have been disappearing at a rapid pace."

Margie: (as the townsperson) Apparently some punks are wandering around the countryside slaughtering them...

"I think the old life was better."
"Don't you think so?"

Cloud
"Yeah, maybe."

"Yeah, sure I'm right! You think so, don't you?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Yeah, maybe.

Luna: (as the townsperson) Yeah, sure I'm right! You think so, don't you?

Margie: (as Cloud) No.

"I thought things were better when I was able to play with animals...."

Luna: Oh no, not the obligatory one and only annoying animal-lover.

Margie: (squeakily) Lemme draw your portrait!

Luna: Exactly.

Margie: (badly dramatic) You should run away! You may lose your life!

Luna: Even worse.

"Did you say you came from Midgar?"
"I used to live there, too. But I hear they got lots of troubles lately."

"There was a suspicious-looking man in a black cloak! He was carrying a wicked-looking sword."

Margie: (as a townsperson) ...and mumbling something about "that cursed dragonboy".

"My older brother is so stupid. He's so embarrassing I could just puke!"

Margie: (as Cloud, nervously) Uh... yeah! What a dork! Heh... Excuse me.

"When I grow up I'm gonna be in SOLDIER. That's why I'm training so hard now!!"

Margie: (as Cloud, to the kid) Just between you and me... it's the grip.

"I heard terrorists bombed a Midgar reactor...."
"There sure have been a lot of dangerous accidents lately. I hate it, just hate it."

Luna: (deadpan) Who doesn't love dangerous accidents?

"Me? I used to work in a coal mine down south called Mythril Mine."
"But, right around then, monsters started appearing."
"After that, business went to pot and now I spend the days here drinking."

Margie: If business went to pot, then... why... are you in alcohol?

"It seems there was this group called AVALANCHE runnin' around, but I guess they finally got wiped out by SOLDIER."

Luna: (as a townsperson) Despite the fact that the only SOLDIERs we ever see are Sephiroth and Zack.

"Stay out of the kitchen."

Luna: (as Cloud, whining) But everyone else lets us run around their houses randomly! No fair!

22. Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go (Extra by StB)

[There was a host segment planned for 22 that will most likely be moved to a later chapter.]

(Cloud and the others head east, to the Chocobo Stable. In the front pasture, several chocobos graze. Cloud speaks with one. After a brief conversation of "wark wark"s, the chocobo's dance the Chocobo Waltz!...)

Luna: And then Cloud angsts as though he actually knew the choco, mopes around for two discs, and then changes his entire personality, yelling "CHOCO! YOU COMPLETE ME!" as he dissolves in a puddle of angsty-bishounen goo.

(...Afterwards, Cloud receives the Choco/Mog Summon materia. They go inside and meet with Choco Bill.)

Luna: ...who's in his Choco Kitchen, eating Choco Puffs with a Choco Spoon.

Margie: Choco.

Luna: Whatever.

Choco Bill
"Thinking of crossing the marshes?"

Luna: (singing) Hemmed in like a boar between arches...

Margie: Very good.

Luna: Thank you.

Cloud
"Yeah."

Choco Bill
"Hmm, then it'll probably be safer for you to get a Chocobo."
"That way you can zip through the marshes with the Chocobo."
"It's the only way to avoid being attacked by the Midgar Zolom."
"Midgar Zolom...?"
"It's a serpent-like creature over 30 feet tall!!"
"It picks up on footsteps that enter the marshes..."
"And then, BAM!! It attacks!!!"

Margie: Dude, if these Chocos had Choco Meteor, it'd be a whole other ballgame.

"To avoid that, buy a Chocobo at the Choco Bill and Choco Billy Chocobo Farm."

Margie: Everyone should have to stick their major export at the beginning of their names like that. "Hi, I'm Paperwork Phil, and this is my wife, Child Care Christy!"

"To purchase a Chocobo, please talk to my grandson. He's in the Chocobo stables at the far right end of the farm."

(They go to the stable.)

Choco Billy
"Do you want a Chocobo?"

Cloud
"Mmm......"

Margie: (Homer Simpson-style) Mmmmmm...chocobo.

Cloud
"Give me one."

Choco Billy
"You old folks are out of luck!"

Cloud
"Old folks...?"

Luna: This is Final Fantasy; you're "old" when you get out of grade school.

Choco Billy
"We're all out of Chocobos. I'm taking care of those ones out there for someone else."

Luna: (as Cloud) But we walk off with everyone else's stuff...

"You know, if you really want a Chocobo, you should go out and catch one."
"Want to know how to catch a Chocobo?"

Cloud
"Where are they?"

Choco Billy
"You see those claw prints out there? Wild Chocobo's will appear in those areas."
"But, if you don't have 'Chocobo Lure' they won't come out. They're very cautious animals by nature."

Luna: Kinda ruins it when your living space is marked by big footprints, though. "Here, predators! Come 'n get it!"

Cloud
"Chocobo Lure?"

Choco Billy
"'Chocobo Lure' is a type of materia which attracts Chocobos."

Margie: (as Choco Billy) No, we don't have an Ancient Lure. Or a Hot Chick Lure. Or a - Cut it out, will you!?

"If you equip this, they'll come to you. But, without it, they won't appear."

Cloud
"How do I catch one?"

Choco Billy
"A wild Chocobo always appears with other monsters."
"But, you won't be able to catch it because of the monsters."
"That is why you must defeat the monsters first before you catch the Chocobo."

Luna: So we have to defeat the monsters because we have to defeat the monsters. Why, thank you, Billy. That was illuminating.

Cloud
"And then?"

Margie: Give up, Cloud, nobody gets naked.

Choco Billy
"Also, wild Chocobos are really cautious. They'll run away from the slightest things."

Luna: ...except a pack of wild monsters, of course.

"But, if you use 'Greens' they'll focus on that, and won't run away."

Cloud
"What else?"

Choco Billy
"Whatever you do, don't make Chocobos angry. They're usually calm, but if you get them angry, you'll get hurt."

Margie: ...when Mr. Boko gets upset, PEOPLE DIE!

"Oh, and remember, once you get off a Chocobo, it'll escape."
"Want to know how to catch a Chocobo?"

Choco Billy
"Well then, shall we get down to business?"
"I'll sell you the 'Chocobo Lure' for 2000 gil, right now."
"You want it?"

Cloud
(Buy it)

Choco Billy
"Thanks!"
"It wouldn't hurt to buy some 'Greens' either."

Margie: (as Billy) Yeah, greens, man... the greens make 'em reeeeal mellow, man...

"Oh, and how fast a Chocobo'll finish eating depends of what type of 'Greens you feed them." (sells greens)

Chole
"Wasn't it really expensive?"

Margie: Not "Choco Chole"?

Luna: Come on, her name is bad enough. It sounds like a byproduct of the digestive system.

"But don't be mad at my brother or Grandpa."
"Ever since dad and mom died, it's been like this..."

Luna: RIP, Choco Steve and Choco Betty.

(If you go back to the house)

Luna: (You obviously have nothing better to do with your time)

Choco Bill
"By the way, there was another person heading towards the Marshes."
"Without a Chocobo, the Midgar Zolom probably got him. It was a man in a Black Cape."

Margie: Equip (Neck): +4 Black Cape of Badassness.

Luna: They rubbed off on you, didn't they. [This was a reference to the planned host segment, in which the hosts' younger brother and his friends were playing tabletop RPGs.]

(They leave the farm, go out, and fight... and fight....)

Margie: ...until they settle who Don Corneo should have chosen.

(...until they catch a Chocobo. They cross the marshes to the Mythril Mine.)

Luna: Unpaid royalties to the Tolkien estate: 7 cents an ounce.

(Cloud and the others arrive at the Mythril Mine. In front of the mine, impaled on a stake, is a Midgar Zolom. They run forward.)

Cloud
"Did Sephiroth... do this...?"

Luna: That's it! Sephiroth is getting an Impalement Counter, as of now. (Margie starts to giggle hysterically.) I mean literally impaled, pervert!

Tifa
"Amazing..."

Aerith
"Our enemy is someone that could do this...?"

Luna: Yeeees, that would be what Cloud said five seconds ago!

(They enter the Mythril Mine. Just inside, they meet up with Rude of the Turks. Elena stands on a stone outcropping high above.)

Rude
"Just a second!"

Margie: (as Rude, dead serious) I'm not decent!

Tifa
"Who are you?"

Rude
"Do you know who I am?"

Margie: (as Rude) I'm Batman.

Cloud
"From the Turks, right?"

Rude
"Well if you know, this won't take long."

Rude
"It's difficult to explain what the Turks do..."

Luna: Drink heavily. Beat people up. Repeat.

Cloud
"Kidnapping, right?"

Rude
"To put it negatively... you could say that."
"...But, that's not all there is to it, anymore."
"................."

(He looks around, then at the floor)

Margie: (deadpan, as Rude) I ran out of lines.

Rude
"..................."

"Sir!"

(The camera moves up to show Elena on a high ledge.)

Elena
"It's all right, Rude! I know you don't like speeches, so don't force it!"

Rude
"...Then Elena, explain."

Luna: RAGE!

Elena
"I'm the newest member of the Turks, Elena. Thanks to what you did to Reno, we're short of people."

Luna: (as Elena) Yeah, doing things to Reno is usually Rufus' job. He was sooooooo pissed.

"...Although, because of that, I got promoted to the Turks,...."

Margie: (as Elena) Isn't my suit spiffy?! Hehe!

"In any case, our job is to find out where Sephiroth is headed."
"And to try and stop you every step of the way."

Luna: (as Elena) Especially SOME of you.

Margie: (as Aerith, archly) I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. (cough)

(She turns)

Luna: (as Elena, muttering) Hussy.

Margie: (as Aerith, muttering) Stalker.

Elena
"Wait a minute, it's the other way around. You're the ones that are getting in our way."

(Tseng enters from the door outside.)

Tseng
"...Elena. You talk too much."

Elena
"Mr. Tseng!?"

Margie: (as Elena) Eeeee! (mock-faints)

Tseng
"No need to tell them about our orders."

Elena
"Sorry... Tseng."

Margie: (as Elena) Sir, should I shoot myself in the foot now, sir?

Tseng
"I thought I gave you other orders."

Margie: (as Elena) Orders, Mr. Tseng? You mean "go wayyyyyyy over there and...find something to do, Elena" or "Please stop mutilating our file photos of Aerith, Elena"? I'll do it, Mr. Tseng, I'm on the job! Really!

"Now go. Don't forget to file your report."

Elena
"Oh! Right!"

(She clicks her heels)

Margie: (as Elena) There's no place like Midgar, there's no place like Midgar, there's no place-

Elena
"Very well, Rude and I will go after Sephiroth, who's heading for Junon Harbor!"

Tseng
"...Elena. You don't seem to understand."

Margie: (as Tseng) You point the gun toward the enemy.

Elena
"Oh! I'm, I'm sorry..."

Tseng
"...Go. Don't let Sephiroth get away."

Margie: (as Tseng) Use the Cloud decoy if you must.

Rude & Elena
"Yes sir!"

(Elena climbs down. Rude climbs up to the ledge with Tseng. He turns.)

Rude
"...Reno said he wanted to see you after the injuries you gave him healed."
"He wants to show his affection for you all... with a new weapon."

(Margie bursts out laughing.)

Luna: (laughing) Sicko!

Margie: (laughing) I can't help it, that flashback warped me. Besides, look at it! What did they expect us to think?

Luna: I know, but...

(He exits. Tseng steps forward.)

Tseng
"Well, then..."

(He looks at Aerith. She comes forward to meet his gaze.)

Luna: (as Tseng, operatically singing) Ma-ri-aaaaa...

Margie: (as Aerith, operatically singing) Dra-aa-coooo...

Tseng
"Aerith. Long time no see."

Luna: (as Tseng) You've put on a lot of w--- um, never mind.

"Looks like you got away from Shinra for a while, now that Sephiroth reappeared."

Aerith
"...so what are you saying? That I should be grateful to Sephiroth?"

Luna: No, but we will be in about half a disc.

Tseng
"No..."
"Well, I won't be seeing too much of you, so take care."

Margie: See, you could base an entire Tsengerith fandom on that part, and have big fights about what he REALLY meant by "take care".

Luna: That's it, I'm cancelling our ISP.

Aerith
"...strange, hearing that from you."

Tseng
"Well then, stay out of Shinra's way."

(He exits. Cloud and the others follow.)

[Note: Here, you have the option of playing the Condor Fort mini game for practice. I chose not to, since you'll have to do it sooner or later.]

Margie: Let's hear it for procrastination!

(At one time or another, Cloud will be fighting in a forest. Sometimes, he will encounter a mysterious Ninja....)

Luna: ...as opposed to those up-front, no-nonsense ninjas we're all used to.

(...After defeating her, the scene moves to the field in which they fought. The Ninja lies on the ground, beaten. Cloud goes over to her and she stands up.)

Luna: (as Cloud) Oh shoot, I was so close.

"Man...... I can't believe I lost..."

(She leaps away.)

"You spikey-headed jerk! One more time, let's go one more time!"

Margie: (singing in a weirdly distorted voice) One more ti-ime, oh yeah we're gonna celebra-ate...

Luna: (double-take) Where the hell did you get a Vocoder?

Margie: (normally) Came free with DSL.

Luna: Huh.

Cloud
"Not interested."

Margie: (as Cloud) Unless you're single... and I think you're female...

(The conversation continues.)

(She makes punching motions.)

"Thinkin' of running away? Stay and fight! FIGHT, I said!"
"C'mon...... What's the matter?"
"You're pretty scared of me, huh!?"

Luna: (as Cloud) Gimme a break, it's a cut scene! My bladder could be exploding right now, and I couldn't do a thing!

Cloud
"......petrified."

(The scene continues.)

"Hmm, just as I thought. What do you expect with my skills?"
"Good luck to you too. If you feel up to it, we can go another round. Later!"

(She runs off, then stops and turns.)

"I'm really gonna leave! REALLY!"

Luna: Then dooooooo iiiiiiit...

Cloud
"Wait a second!"

Luna: (as Cloud) We don't have enough female stereotypes with unfounded crushes on the hero!

(The scene continues.)

Luna: Actually, no. The scene ends, Sephiroth crashes Meteor into the Planet, and everyone dies. The end.

(The party runs up closer to the ninja.)

"What is it, you still have somethin' for me?"
"......Hmmm. So is that it?"

Margie: (as Cloud, defensively) It's all in how you use it!

"I know you want my help because I'm so good!"
"You want me to go with you?"

Cloud
"That's right."

(The scene continues.)

"Heh heh... thought so. You put me in a spot. Hmm, what should I do?"
"But if you want me that bad, I can't refuse..."

(Margie starts to giggle.)

Luna: Oh, not again....

"All right! I'll go with you!"

Cloud
"......Let's hurry on."

Luna: Places to go, people to impersonate, random animals to slaughter...

(The scene continues.)

(Cloud and the party walk off, leaving Yuffie behind.)

"Huh? Hey... HEY!"

(She runs after them.)

"Wait! I haven't even told you my name......"

(The PLAYER names Yuffie)

Luna: A name not unlike a sound one makes during a coughing fit. How terribly dignified, Daughter of the Shinobi.

Yuffie
"I'm Yuffie! Good to meetcha!"

(She turns away and starts to laugh to herself.)

Yuffie
"Heh heh...... just as I planned."
"Now all I have to do is... a little this...... and a little that...... nyuk, nyuk, nyuk......"

Margie: No...not that laugh...at the end...it scares me.

Luna: (falsetto) Soitenly!

Margie: Ahhhhh!

(She runs off after the others.)

Yuffie
"Hey, wait up! Wait for me!!"
"Here, I'll give you back the money I stole from you!"
"......or, uh, what's left of it."

Luna: (as Yuffie) I'll just assume you took that dialogue fork somewhere in there! After all, this usually takes six or seven tries, right?

(The scene fades to black.)

23. That's MISTER Dolphin to You

Authors - Micster and Stupid Dolphin; Serrinatta; StB

(The room is dark apart from a slightly flickering screen. Margie is reading with a glazed, hypnotized look on her face. Luna has her head down on the desk and her arms over her head.)

Luna: (raising head, squinting) No more... please... my faith in humanity can't take it anymore.

Margie: Awww, but I just found this one, "Sephiepoo's 101 Uses for the Buster Sword", by SephychanNMe4Ever184740.

Luna: (winces) Um. I'm bored, but I'm not that bored. I'm getting something to eat. (She leaves the room; Margie gazes back at the screen.)

(Kitchen. Luna tries to make her way around a crowded table covered with game boards, papers, and assorted stuff. Around it sit four boys and a girl of middle school age or so, a couple of years younger than Luna.)

Glenn: Hey, Lune. Couldn't take it anymore?

Luna: (looking through the refrigerator) Nah, it was fine, but Marge's got some godawful fanfiction site up. I had to take a break. (She turns back to the table as one of the other kids rolls some dice.)

Alex: (finishing his roll) Missed. (One of the other players jumps to his feet.)

Clive: I MISSED?! What d'you MEAN I missed?! Do it again!

Alex: No. You missed. Deal with it. Who's next?

Kevin: Me.

Clive: (still standing) No! My turn! I can't miss! I've got Strength of 42, how the hell can I miss?

Alex: (calmly) That has nothing to do with how well you aim.

Clive: You're cheating! He's cheating!

Kevin: Don't start this again! Sit down.

Luna: (to Glenn) Happy fun time again, huh?

Glenn: Yeah. I don't know who told him we were playing, though.

Luna: Can't you just kick him out?

Glenn: Yeah, we could. We'd be short-handed, though. He's the only one who likes playing the big-axe small-brain type, and the rest of us might end up getting pounded.

Luna: Fun. (She continues eating as the complaining continues among the other three boys.) So as long as Margie's lost in the endless cyberhell in there, could I play?

Glenn: Theoretically, but I don't know if you'd want to. Alex's a bit of a hardass. But he has all the rulebooks and won't lend 'em to us to run our own campaigns. Sucks, really.

Luna: Hmm. (She and Glenn watch the argument.)

Angela: (to Luna) So what are you guys doing in there, anyway?

Luna: Playing Final Fantasy Seven for the eight thousandth time.

Angela: Cool.

Glenn: Mind if we come and watch? I don't think they'll wind down for another 20 minutes, at least.

(Alex pulls out a rulebook and chucks it down on the table with great finality.)

Angela: Aha, see? We're screwed. I don't care, I'm coming with you.

Glenn: Okay. Three to one, we can get Marge to shut off the whatever it is.

Luna: Oh, you don't wanna KNOW what it is.

(Luna, Glenn, and Angela leave the room, letting the three boys argue, and return to the computer room where Margie has loaded up some sort of graphic.)

Glenn: Is that... (jumps back) AAGGH! Oh my God, put that thing away!

Luna: Oh please, like your "secret collection" is any worse. C'mon, Margie, start the game.

Margie: Awww, okay. (She starts up FF7 again as the others take seats. Luna shuts off the lights.)

Angela: Hi, nice to meet you, Margie. I'm Angela. I'm in your brother's gaming group.

Margie: Nice to meet you too.

Luna: START. THE GAME.

(Cloud and the others arrive at Junon Fortress.)

Cloud
"What happened to this town? It's so run-down..."

People in Junon

"Wow, now this is rare. We almost never have anyone other than the Shinra people visit this town."

Angela: (as a townsperson) But an ex-SOLDIER is close enough. DIE!!!

"Ever since... Shinra built that city up above during the war, ...ugh, ugh."
"There's been no fish in the water! It got so polluted... phew..."

Cloud
"What kinda place is this?"

"Who are you people? Where did you come from?"

Luna: (as Cloud) What do you want? Where are you going? What is your name?

Cloud
"Did you see a man with a black cape?"

Luna: Actually, it's a duster, but "The Man in the Black Duster" just doesn't have that apocalyptic ring to it.

"Hmm... I've never seen that feller before."

"HEY! This is Shinra, Inc.'s elevator. Don't be snooping around here!!"

"If you see a weapon you want, you'd better buy it." (sells items)

(Cloud and the others go down to the beach. A little girl is standing by the water.)

"He-y! Mr. Dolphin!"

(She jumps up and down as a dolphin swims to the edge of the water.)

Luna: (as Mr. Dolphin) Stand still, I want a good shot at you!

"My name is......

Margie: Dramatic pause!

Pri-scil-la!
Now you say it."

Glenn & Angela: It.

(She turns and sees Cloud and the others.)

Priscilla
"Who are you guys? Are you members of the Shinra, Inc.?"

Aerith
"No you're wrong! We have nothing to do with the Shinra."

Angela: Except... getting kidnapped by them, being chased by them, escaping from them, breaking into and out of their HQ, fighting their new President, killing their monsters, climbing around in their bathrooms, fighting their Turks, getting them to destroy one-eighth of Midgar... No, nothing to do with them at all...

Cloud
"...that's how it is."

Priscilla
"I don't believe you! Get out of here!"

Cloud
"Great..."

(The screen starts to shake...)

Luna: Yes, the universal RPG sign of distress! Even a sea monster can cause an earthquake!

Tifa
"Look at that!"

(A huge sea creature comes onto the screen. Priscilla runs forward, swinging her fists.)

Margie: (as Mr. Dolphin, to the monster) That's the one, get that girl! She's been harassing me for months with that damned whistle!

"Be careful Mr. Dolphin!"

(She is hit by the creature and falls into the water. She does not get up.)

Cloud
"Hey! Hold on, we're coming!"

(Boss battle with Bottomswell)

Margie: It sounds like a disfiguring medical condition.

(Cloud and the others all stand around Priscilla's unconscious body on the beach.)

Cloud
"This is bad... You don't think she's dead, do you?"

(They all look distressed)

Luna: Somehow...

"Priscilla!!"

(They turn to see a man rush down to the beach and kneel by Priscilla.)

"Nope... she's not breathing..."
"Hey, that's it!"

(He turns to Cloud)

"Young man, CPR, now!"

Cloud
"Mouth to mouth!?"

Margie: (as the man) No, mouth to elbow! She's a mutant!

Luna: Actually, that's not CPR; it's artificial respiration.

Margie: Hey, those are big words for some people.

Aerith
"Cloud, hurry!"

Cloud
"But,... she's just a girl....."

Margie: (as Cloud) Girls are icky!

Tifa
"Cloud, what are you going to do?"

"What? You don't know how? Come over here, I'll show you."

Luna: For the record, that is the townsperson, not Tifa, perv...

Margie: I haven't said a thing.

Cloud
"Guess I gotta do it..."

"Just take a deep breath, hold it in. Then breathe into her."
"Hurry up and do it!"

(Cloud gives Priscilla mouth to mouth resuscitation.)

Priscilla
"Uh... ugh..."

Margie: (as Priscilla) Ewwwwwww, Cloud germs!

(Cloud stands up)

"Hey hey! Priscilla, are you alright?"

(The man picks Priscilla up and carries her off. Cloud goes to her house where he stands in front of the door.)

"Sorry, Cloud. Priscilla needs to rest for a while."

Margie: (as Cloud) But don't we have to get married now?

(Cloud goes to the house near the exit of the town. An old woman stands in the doorway.)

"Hey, come in for a while."

Luna: (as Cloud) You're a complete stranger and give no reasoning for your request, but sure!

(Cloud follows her inside.)

"I heard what happened. You've done so much for Priscilla."
"You all must be tired. If you want some rest, stay here."

(She leaves. She stops and turns in the doorway)

"Make yourselves at home."

(She exits)

Luna: Whoa, whoa, hold it. She stands in the doorway. He follows her in. She leaves, then stops in the doorway she's already left. Then exits. Leaving a pack of strangers in her own house.

Margie: Yes. See, it's all very simple... (She pulls out an enormous diagram full of labeled dots and tangles of arrows) First, the old woman warps space-time...

Luna: ...Never mind.

Aerith
"Want to rest?"

Luna: (as Aerith) Want to rest? Y/N?

Cloud
"Yeah..."
"Let's rest."

(They all sleep in the beds she has provided.)

Luna: Why some random woman has half a dozen beds in her house, I don't want to know.

(Cloud and the others go to sleep. The screen is black.)

"...That reminds me"

"You again?"
"...Who are you?"

"...You'll find out soon. ......But more importantly, 5 years ago..."

"5 Years ago... Nibelheim?"

Luna: No, 5 years ago...the moon.

"When you went to Mt. Nibel then, Tifa was your guide, right?"

"Yeah.... I was surprised."

"But where was Tifa other than that?"

Luna: If there are Tifa clones too, I am scared.

"...I dunno."

"It was a great place for you two to see each other again."

Luna: Is the Mysterious Voice trying to set them up?

"...You're right."

"Why couldn't you see each other alone?"

"...I don't know. I can't remember clearly..."

"Why don't you try asking Tifa?"

"...Yeah."

"Then, get up!"

"Hey wake up. Wake up, Cloud!"

Margie: (as Tifa) Time for your medicine!

(The screen fades in to show Tifa standing in the room. Cloud gets out of bed)

Cloud
"Tifa..."
"When Sephiroth and I went to Nibelheim, where were you?"

Tifa
"...We saw each other, right?"

Cloud
"The other time."

(She crosses her arms)

Tifa
"No... it was 5 years ago. I don't remember."
"But, something seems strange outside. Cloud, come quick."

(They run outside.)

(Cloud arrives in the middle of Nibelheim. There are loud trumpet fanfares playing in the background. All the others are waiting.)

Hosts: Nibelheim?!!

Luna: Nibelheim - Junon - Uhh, whatever.

Aerith
"I heard that girl regained consciousness."

Margie: My my, that "Voice of the Planet" is quite the gossip, isn't it?

Tifa
"Doesn't it seem a little strange? Everything getting so noisy all of a sudden...?"

Barret
"Seems like something's goin' on up there!"

Red XIII
"Does this have something to do with the Shinra?"

(Cloud goes partway up the stairs to Priscilla's house, when Priscilla comes out to the top of the stairs.)

Cloud
"Are you all right now?"

Priscilla
"Umm... thanks for helping..."

(They go down the stairs.)

Priscilla
"I'm sorry, I mistook you for one of those Shinra, Inc. ..."

Luna: (as Priscilla, singsong) Shinra, Inc. is a registered trademark of Shinra Electric Company, patent pending...

Cloud
"That's all right."

Priscilla
"I'll give you something SPECIAL!"

Glenn: That's Tifa's line!

"It's an amulet. Take good care of it, ok?"

Margie: (as Priscilla, with enormous perkiness) And if you make a wish, you'll turn into Pretty Hero SOLDIER Cloud and rescue the universe with your magical kitty! Hehe!

Glenn: (dryly, as Red) I strongly object to that.

(Priscilla gives Cloud the Shiva materia.)

Angela: ...so it's not an amulet.

Barret
"What's that music? It sure sounds lively."

Luna: If by "lively" you mean "inspiring fits of violence against the musicians", then I suppose it is.

Priscilla
"I heard they're rehearsing the reception for the new Shinra president."

Barret
"Rufus!? I gotta pay my respects."

Priscilla
"Grandpa and grandma told me this beach was beautiful when they were small."
"But after the Shinra built that city above, the sun stopped shining here, and the water got polluted..."
"I was raised on that story and hate Shinra so much, I could die!"

Luna: (muttering) ...so do us all a favor.

Margie: (as Cloud) I hear ya. I feel the same way about gingerbread.

Aerith
"You think Rufus is thinking about crossing the ocean from here, too?"

"What? Does that mean Sephiroth already crossed the ocean?"

Luna: "Crossing the ocean" sounds like a perverted metaphor right now.

Red XIII
"Cloud, didn't you finish Rufus off?"

Margie: (as Cloud, annoyed) Jerk, said he wasn't going to pay...

Barret
"We gotta get to the town up there... Mebbe we could climb the tower?"

Priscilla
"No! No! There's a high voltage current running underneath the tower. Don't wander near it, it's dangerous!"

Luna: The fact that you could easily walk into the water earlier is a sheer coincidence!

"But... you might be able to if Mr. Dolphin helps you. Follow me!"

(She runs down to the beach)

Tifa
"High voltage tower......."
"I guess this means Cloud'll be allright."

Luna: After all, his brain doesn't conduct electricity.

Aerith
"Yeah, better leave it to Cloud!"

Red XIII
"We're counting on you, Cloud"

Luna: (solemnly, as Red) Please forgive my enormous lapse of reason. It was in the script.

(Cloud shakes his head)

Cloud
"Hey!!"

(Everyone starts to walk away)

Cloud
"Wait a second!"

(Cloud speaks to each one)

Angela: WHY?!

Red XIII
"That looks like a Shinra soldier."

Barret
"Yeah, I'd like to take a good look at the new President of Shinra, Inc.!"

Margie, Luna, & Angela: Wouldn't we all!

Glenn: Auuugh...

Tifa
"Don't you just hate this?"

Aerith
"You're probably right."

Luna: The Aerith Random Line Generator, now compatible with Win9x and Macintosh!

(Cloud goes down to the beach. Priscilla is waiting there.)

Priscilla
"Wait a minute."

(Barret arrives in time to see the dolphin make a flying leap over a girder attached to the electric tower.)

Margie: (as Mr. Dolphin) WHEE!!

Barret
"Now ain't that something! I ain't never seen no Dolphin jump like that!"

Margie: Ooo, a triple negative!

Priscilla
"Pretty cool, huh? When I blow this whistle, Mr. Dolphin jumps for me."

Margie: (as Priscilla, perkily) When I blow THIS whistle, he rips the still-beating heart out of my enemy!

Glenn: (as Priscilla, super-fast) I tried it with Mr. Whale but he got beached and all the fishermen came and chopped him up and it was sad!!

"Here!! This is for you, Cloud!"

(She gives Cloud the whistle)

Cloud
"A gift? What am I supposed to do with it!?"

Priscilla
"Just go into the water, blow this whistle, and Mr. Dolphin'll jump you to the top of the pole!"

Cloud
"Jump to the top of the pole?"

Luna: Yes, Cloud, "jump" is the next lesson after "sit".

"See that rod sticking out at the top? If you jump just right, you can climb to the top of the town."

Barret
"Good luck Cloud! If you make it, we'll follow you."
"Whoa, I'll hold the PHS for you. It'll break if it gets wet."

Luna: (as Cloud) Good thing we never see any water- or ice-based spells, then! ...wait.

"You wanna jump with Mr. Dolphin?"

Margie: (as Mr. Dolphin) Hey, anyone think of asking the dolphin what he wants?...Anybody?

Cloud
"Sure."

(Cloud swims to the base of the tower and blows the whistle. The dolphin jumps, bringing him with it, depositing him on the pole. He leaps over to a ladder and climbs to the top of the town.)

Glenn: (nervously) Um... everyone needs like twenty tries for that, right?

Luna & Margie: (unconvincingly) ...no...

Angela: (ditto) ...no...

Glenn: ...Fine...

24. My Sephy Lies Over the Ocean

(Director's Cut)

(Still in the room. Present are Luna, Margie, their brother Glenn, and Glenn's gaming-group partner Angela.)

Angela: God, I feel like I've been at this for years already.

Margie: I can't feel my feet.

Luna: Nobody moves, dammit. Game on.

(FMV sequence as Cloud climbs over the ladder onto a large deck. A huge airship, the Highwind, floats majestically above. Cloud travels to the interior of the base. Once inside, three soliders march by, followed by the captain. He catches Cloud.)

"Hey! You still dressed like that!? Come 'ere!"

Luna: (as the captain) Like some guy who has no business being in our base? You big joker!

Glenn: You know, there's another joke that could've been made there...

Luna: I'm still burned out from the Kalm Flashback, thanks.

Glenn: Why is that?

Luna: You don't want to know.

Glenn: Oh.

"Here!! Get in the room!"

(He pushes Cloud into the locker room.)

Margie: (solemnly, as the narrator) ...gives him a noogie, then hangs him from the flagpole by his underwear.

"Today's the big day when we welcome President Rufus! Hurry up and change!"

Cloud
"It's the Shinra uniform."

Margie (as Cloud): And I am clearly a spring.

Cloud
(Change)

Cloud
"Brings back memories..."

"Quit yappin'! Hurry up!"

Luna: You go! Where were you when we suffered through Kalm, huh?

Cloud
"A Shinra uniform..."
"I was so proud when I first put it on."

Margie: (singing) Mommy, wow! I'm a big clone now!

(He jumps up and down, putting some pants on)

Luna: A mental image I certainly didn't need.

Cloud
"I wonder when it was..."
"...I couldn't stand wearing this thing anymore."

Margie (as Cloud): I had to run FREE in the BREEZE...

(Cloud walks out in full Shinra attire)

"Wow! You look good in it!"

Glenn (as Cloud): Considering that I have the same body model as all of you with a different head stuck on, of course I do.

"You remember the Greeting procedure, right!?"

(Cloud shrugs)

Luna (as the captain): No, that's the SeeD greeting procedure.

"...the look on your face says you forgot. All right, I'll show you again!"
"Do just like we do."

Glenn: Get killed pitifully fast on our way to the challenging enemies?

Margie: Or get your brain sucked out by Jenova.

(Two soldiers run in)

"Commander! We'll help too!"
"This is how to do it."
"We'll sing too!"

Margie (singing): You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out...

"All right! Show 'em!"
"Now, march! This's the Welcoming March!"

"Then! I'll sing along with you!"

Hosts: GET ON WITH IT!

"Quietly--!!"
"Aaah!"

"Aaah!"

Angela: (singing operatically) Am-mo-nite!

"Hey, come on now."
"Now!"

(The soldiers start singing the praises of Rufus, Shinra, etc. The captain instructs you.)

"Keep in step with the soldier next to you and march smoothly!"

Margie (sternly, as the captain): And then comes the kick line, so pay attention!

"Once you're all in step, shoulder your gun!"
"Got it?"

Margie (as Cloud): That's the big thing with the trigger, right?

Cloud
"All clear!"

"Good! Make sure you do well at the real parade!"

(A third soldier comes in)

"Rufus has arrived! Preparation completed!"

Glenn: Egos stroked!

Luna: Flunkies assembled!

Margie: Hair gel at the ready!

(The soldiers leave)

"All right, show time! Don't disgrace yourselves!"

Luna: Yeah...that's likely.

(Cloud follows them out of the locker room.)

(We are at a long street in the middle of Junon. A helicopter hovers overhead. The captain is instructing the soldiers. Another soldier arrives.)

Angela: Stuff happens! The dinosaurs die and the tectonic plates move! More stuff happens! And now, this.

"Begin the Welcome Parade!"

(They move out. A flyby of scores of soldiers marching in formation. Rufus drives by in the back seat of a convertible, waving in true ticker-tape parade style.

Luna (suavely, as Rufus): Yes, yes, you all love me. Captain, have that man mooning me from the window shot. Thank you.

Back in the base, Cloud follows the soldiers out. FMV sequence: a flyby of the Junon cannon. Back at the long street, the soldiers arrive.)

Margie (singing): Back at base, Spock's in there somewhere, flash the message "Something's out therrrre..."

"Oh no! No one's here!"
"Late---!?"

Glenn (as Cloud, unconvincingly): Ahaha, well, no use going on then, right? Better just go home and (trailing off) damn AVALANCHE...

(A soldier runs to an alley)

Margie: In Wutai. Which has nothing to do with this story. Moving on...

"Hey! Rookie! It's because you're running around like that!!"

"Captain! We'll take a short cut!"

Luna (as a soldier): Right through that backdrop!

"Right!"
"Good idea."
"Get over here!"

(Cloud goes to him)

"All right! You first!"

(You end up at the end of the alley. The soldiers are marching in formation down the street. The captain gives you instructions to sneak into the line, and Cloud does so, controlled by the PLAYER.)

Luna: Lies! I tried to make him jump off the edge of Junon into the ocean, but noooooo.

TV Producer
"What the hell was that soldier doing?"

AD
"I don't know."

Luna: And what the hell is AD?

Margie: You know, AD. Like, "Buy our PRODUCT!!"

Angela: Nooo, it's Ancillary Device. He's a robot.

Luna: Absolute Dipstick.

Margie: Affluent Dinosaur?

"Are the points up?"

AD
"Well, it's so-so."

Glenn: Hey, I got it, I got it. It's Anno Domini. He's the embodiment of time itself.

Margie: Oooh, arty.

"Hmm..."
"Better send that soldier something."

Glenn: A gift basket full of DEATH!

(You get an item. This whole scene can be different depending on your parade performance.)

(Cloud arrives at the top of Junon, on a paved platform beneath a huge tram that leads higher up into the base. He gets in formation with several other soldiers. Rufus and Heidegger stand nearby.)

"Good! We made it."

"Oh! President Rufus!"

Margie: (as a soldier) Most excellent president dude!

Luna: (as Rufus) Have him shot too.

"Hey! Line up and shut up."

"Don't make a move!"

(The soldiers stand still. Heidegger turns to Rufus.)

Margie: (as Heidegger) I made them just for you.

Rufus
"How's the job?"

(He steps away)

Rufus
"What happened to the Airship?"

Angela: How did I get here?

Luna: Where is this scene going?

Margie: What happened to my pants?

(Heidegger scratches his head)

Heidegger
"The long range airship is still being prepared."

Angela: Good, 'cause those airships that crashed after thirty yards really sucked.

"It should be ready in about three more days. Gya haa haa!"

Rufus
"Even the Air Force's Gelnika?"

Heidegger
".....Gya haa haa!"

Margie: I'll take that as a yes.

(Rufs steps toward him)

Rufus
"Stop that stupid horse laugh."
"Things are different than when father was in charge."

Luna: Those were Die, Foolish Mortals villain rules. Now we're under I'm Cooler Than All Of You, So Stick It villain rules.

(Heidegger stops, slowly)

Heidegger
"Gya..."

Glenn: Pika pika pika!

Rufus
"Is the ship ready?"

Heidegger
"Yes Sir, we'll get it ready quickly."

(Rufus enters the tram. Heidegger stands there laughing. The soldiers disperse as Heidegger runs forward- too bad, right into Cloud. He smacks him around a bit before he follows Rufus into the tram.)

"What a disaster."

"Heidegger was really irritated..."

Luna: Uh, yyyeah, which he expresses by laughing like a maniac.

"The man in the Black Cape's been roaming the city, but we can't find him."

Cloud
"Man in the Black Cape?"

Glenn: Wasn't Leonardo DiCaprio in that?

"He showed up two or three days ago, and killed a few of our soldiers."

Luna: Killed a few of our soldiers, swept the floor, had lunch... you know, stuff.

"He disappeared right after that. There's a rumor going around that it was Sephiroth."

"Attention! Dismissed!"

(The soldiers disperse except for Cloud. A captain walks right up to him)

"Hey! Hey you! You messing with the army?"

Margie (singing): I messed wi-iith... the arrr-myyyyy...

Cloud
"What if I am?"

"You're too lazy!! No break for you!!"

Glenn: No break for you! One year!

"Get over here!"

(He takes you into the locker room)

"This is the military, soldier! You orders for today are to send off President Rufus at the dock!"
"I'll keep drilling you until it's time!"

Angela: So at this point, Rufus has been hanging around, about to be sent off, for...

Luna: Oh, three, four hours or so.

(The two soldiers from before come in)

Margie: Of course, they're identical to all the other soldiers, so for all we know Jenova could have sucked out their brains and replaced them with two entirely different soldiers. But who knows.

"I'll help, sir!"

"Me too, sir!"

"All right!! Line up in order and show me your final pose!"
"Today's command is Formation!"
"Remember it!"
"Ready!?"
"Junon Military Send Off, BEGIN!"

(The captain drills the soldiers on the send off- just a game of Simon Says. He shouts a button, the PLAYER pushes it. Simple.)

Luna: Simple. And yet irritating.

"All right! Now you try it!"

(Now the PLAYER joins in in a drill.)

Luna: Does the fun ever STOP?!

Margie: Play along with the Rufus's Welcoming Ceremony Home Game!

"So you got it?"

Cloud
"I've got it!"

"All right! Don't mess up during the real thing!"

"Commander! What's today's special pose?"

Luna: I'm still sore. You?

Margie: Couldn't be perverted if I tried.

"Huh? ...I haven't decided yet."
"All right, rookie! I'll let you decide!"
"Show me your best move!"

Cloud
"Let's see... My best move is..."

Glenn: (as Cloud, badly suave) The "accidental" materia drop down the -

Luna: Augh, no. Not yet.

(He twirls his gun)

"Woo-----ow!"

"That's awesome!"

Margie: CLUNK! My eye!

"All right! We'll go with that as today's special!"
"Practice it!"

"Yes sir!!"

"Yes sir!!"

"Well then! Meet at the dock! Don't be late!!"
"Attention! Dismissed!!"

(Cloud follows them to the dock. On the way, we see Rude on the long street. Cloud arrives and gets in formation.)

(The hosts applaud politely.)

Angela: Beautifully nuanced performance on the part of Rude.

Margie: The end.

"All right, it's time!"

"President Rufus... has now arrived!"
"Ten... HUT!"

(Rufus and Heidegger enter through some automatic doors.)

"This is it!! Junon Military Reception--!"
"Do it right--- Do it with enthusiasm...! Ready...!"

(They perform the Parappa-esque reception ceremony.)

Rufus
"Well done."
"Keep up the good work for Shinra, Inc."

Angela: That was the best ceremony ever! Are you a professional soldier?

Heidegger
"Gya haa ha...!! Here's a special bonus for you!!"
"A token of the President's kindness! Don't forget it!"

(You get an item depending on your performance. Rufus walks onto the boat.)

Luna: (as Rufus) What was that all about? Idiots.

Rufus
"Once the word gets out that Sephiroth's here, Cloud and his friends will show up, too."

Margie: Autograph books in hand, squealing like schoolgirls.

Heidegger
"We'll crush them as soon as we find them!"

Margie: See, THAT'S what Cloud should've said back at Don Corneo's.

(Rufus turns)

Rufus
"We can't have them get in our way."

Heidegger
"Leave it up to me, sir! Gya haa ha!"

Rufus
"I thought I told you to stop that stupid laugh..."

(He walks onto the boat)

Luna: AGAIN.

Heidegger
"Gya......"

(He makes some angry threatening motions and runs onto the boat.)

Margie: Five hundred miles away, somebody's head explodes. And back to our story.

"All right! Dismissed!"

(The other two soldiers speak.)

"That was close."

"Heidegger's been really edgy lately."

Angela: (as a soldier, with finger-quotes) What is "edgy" exactly?

"Because Hojo disappeared, leaving a letter of resignation."

Margie: (as a soldier) And a faint smell of asparagus.

"Heidegger's been forced to take care of that investigation, too."

(The captain runs forward)

"Hey--! I thought you were dismissed!"

(All the soldiers leave but Cloud)

"We've got some cleaning to do! Hurry up!"

(The captain leaves. Cloud runs onto the boat. the screen goes black.)

Luna: It's a self-defense mechanism. I tend to black out when Cloud comes on screen too.

Cloud
"We'll cross the ocean, to the new continent."

Margie: Yep, just made it on Thursday. Isn't it neat?!

"...even if we are wearing Shinra's uniforms..."

Angela: (as Cloud, solemnly) ...and in Costa del Sol we will promptly be beaten by the Fashion Police.

(On the world map, we see the boat leave Junon and cross the ocean.)

(Cloud is inside the Shinra ship, en route to Costa Del Sol.)

Luna: Completely ignoring script continuity, because a motion-sick hero is no fun. Uh, but remember, it's very important. Right.

People on the ship

"I'm workin' hard already, and you still want me to do more?"
"The new President's probably the same."

Glenn: (singing) Meet the new prez, same as the old prez...

"He's just gonna order us around anyway."

A soldier
"Umm.... It's me, Aerith."

Glenn: (as Cloud) Very good, now say "Ooh, Cloud, you're even stronger and more handsome than Sephiroth!"

Aerith
"Hey, Cloud. Did you see the Airship at Junon?"

Cloud
"...I heard it was big, but I didn't expect it to be THAT big."

(All four hosts cough and clear their throats in unison.)

Luna: Come on, Cloud, that's way too easy.

Aerith
"That was REALLY something."
"Hey, do you think I could get on it?"

(The hosts groan in pain.)

Luna: Stooooop iiiiit....

Cloud
"I'll take you someday."

Luna: STOP IT!

Cloud
"...keep hoping."

Luna: Whew. Okay, that's better.

Margie: Did everybody make it? Guys?

Glenn: I think so.

Angela: Barely.

Aerith
"Wow! I'm really looking forward to it!"
"Let's ride the Airship together, OK? Promise, promise me!"

Luna: Rule Number 52: Any promise made to an RPG heroine is binding unto death. Expect a major scene complete with FMV, where applicable.

Glenn: That must be a pain.

Margie: (melodramatically) "Promise me.... you'll...pick up the milk... from the corner...store...!"

"It won't do any good trying to stop me!"
"All right! I'm going to show the new President what I'm made of!"

Margie: According to Jenova, you have a chewy nougat center.

"Hey, get to work!"
"Both the new President Rufus and Heidegger are aboard this ship!"
"If we do good, we could get promoted!"

A soldier
"Yes sir! Everything quiet, sir!"

Margie: (as the soldier) No murderous mutated alien spawn out for revenge in the hold, no sirree!

Tifa
"...But, you know what? I really hate this uniform."

Luna: (as Tifa) Look at all this fabric. How am I supposed to give proper fanservice in this?!

"Uniforms, soldiers, war. I hate 'em all."
"They take away the things and people you love..."
"I wish they'd all disappear. Right, Cloud?"

Glenn: (as Cloud, craftily) Uh, yeah, Tifa, I wish that uniform would disappear...right now.

Cloud
"Yeah......."

Tifa
"You're right!"
"Uh, yes sir, I'll continue my watch sir! Hee hee...."

Margie: Sing with me! (singing) In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas...

Luna: (singing) In the Navy, forget con-ti-nu-i-ty...

Angela: (singing) In the Navy, Tifa passes as a man...

Margie, Luna, and Angela: (singing) In the Navy! In the Navy!

(Glenn shakes his head, sighing.)

"Hey! What's wrong, kid? You got no pep!"
"A seaman's gotta have umph!"

Glenn: Please let that "umph" mean that he just got eaten by a giant octopus.

Cloud
"I'm tired...."

Margie: (as Cloud) I wan' my blankie.

"I got just the perfect thing! 'Invisible Alpha'-- A super drink for seamen!"

(The hosts twitch.)

Luna: You touch that line, I kill you.

"Just one'll rejuvenate you! Only 250 gil!"

Cloud
"I'll take it."

"Thanks! This is a necessity for a sailor."
"This is a must item for a sailor! Ha ha ha!"

Angela: Um...he's creeping me out.

Margie: (as the salesman) What do you mean, sailor?! It's what every sailor needs! AHAHAHAHAHA!

(HP/MP restored)

"Oh man, we're almost to Costa del Sol."
"When I get there, I'm going to take a long overdue vacation. Maybe I'll go down to the beach and get a tan..."

Luna: (loudly) Oh, I wonder if this guy gets eaten by Jenova!

Margie: 'Course not, random extras get to muse about the good times ahead all the time! It's not a big red flashing death sign!

A soldier
"....... ...It's me. Red XIII."

Glenn: (as the "soldier") And my next line is - what? "Cloud, you have truly outdone me; your intellect is far more powerful than mine"? What the?

Red XIII
"I'm a little woozy, but I shouldn't get caught."

Luna: Famous last words from drunken college students everywhere.

"Humans only look at appearances anyway."

Angela: As opposed to looking at...what, exactly?

"Anyway you look at it, I'd say I make a fine human being."
"It's pretty hard standing on two feet..."

(Cloud goes downstairs.)

Aerith
"Hey, Cloud, did you see Barret?"
"I hope he's not doing anything stupid..."

Luna: 'Cause then what would Cloud do?

(Cloud goes back up to the deck, where he finds Barret, dressed like Popeye, peering in a bay window at Rufus and Heidegger.)

Barret
"Look, Cloud. It's Rufus and Heidegger."

Margie: Wave to the Shinra! (The hosts wave.)

"They're this close but we can't do a thing to 'em..."
"Ummmmmm..... Gmmmmmm....."

Angela: I don't think you can make people explode with your mind, Barret.

"How can he...... Goin' off laughin' like that?"
"Because of him, Biggs...... Wedge....... Jessie.....!"

Luna: ...got to leave the game early, lucky bastards!

"Gggggggh.... Ggggh.....! Ggggggggghhh!!"

Margie: (imitating Frankenstein's monster) MmMMMMMMmmMM! MMMMMMMM!

(He runs away and clenches his fists in anger)

Barret
"God!! I can't take it anymore!"

Glenn: (in a commanding voice) Don't blame Me, I didn't write this scene.

"I'm gonna settle things here and now...."

(A siren begins to sound.)

"Emergency alert! Reports of a suspicious character found! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found!"
"I repeat. Suspicious character found on board! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found!"

Margie: (muffled, as over an intercom) "Weak premise detected, I repeat, weak premise detected. Be on the alert for thinly disguised heroes muttering audibly about their plans in earshot of Shinra employees. And tell that guy Barret that glass is clear both ways."

Barret
"Damn, did they find us?"
"Hey, that don't seem like us. Do they mean.... Tifa and the others!?"

Luna: Has to be. I mean, nothing's unusual about a huge angry dude with a gun-arm dressed like a member of the Village People, gesticulating madly through a plate-glass window at the president of a megacorporation.

(He turns to Cloud)

Barret
"Get off your spikey butt and let's go, Cloud!"

(They hurry to the main deck. Everyone is gathered there.)

Luna: Including Sephiroth, who ran them all through with the Masamune. The end.

Tifa
"Everyone all right!?"

Barret
"You all right!?"

Luna: Oh great, not another Who's On First routine.

Margie: Cloud! You're late!

Aerith
"Huh?"

Glenn: Aerith. Babe. We're on page 86 of the script now. Keep up.

Tifa
"Everyone's here... right?"

Barret
"Hey, wait."

Luna: (as Barret) How do I expect to fire a gun-arm without breachin' the hull of this ship and sinkin' the damn thing?

"You don't think that suspicious character is...."

"Sephiroth!?"

(All of the hosts gasp melodramatically.)

Tifa
"Really!?"

Margie: (as Tifa) Like omigod!

Barret
"How the hell am I supposed to know!?"

Cloud
"....Let's find out."

Red XIII
"It's the most logical thing to do. Then, who's going to go?"

Luna: Yeah, sure! Let's take on a guy who can fly, has a seven-foot-long sword, and has already offed the CEO of Shinra and a snake the size of a tractor-trailer! Makes perfect sense!

(The PLAYER chooses a party here- once again, I took Aerith and Tifa. Everyone is now in their normal clothes.)

Luna: Complete coincidence. Doesn't mean a fight scene is coming up or anything.

Margie: ...and once again, Mr. Scriptwriter plays the mack daddy with Cloud...

Cloud
".....Sephiroth......."

(Margie, as Cloud, sighs dreamily.)

"........All right, let's go!"

(They travel down to the engine room. Dead or dying people are strewn all over.)

Luna: (as Cloud) Geez, Yuffie, what the hell was wrong with you down here?

"....the Engine Room... a suspicious..... character..."

Luna: (as dying person) ... with... very... fanservicey... costume... design... urk.

"No... there's no way.... that...... not a human..... That thing's not human....."

(In the engine room, they see a captain standing before a control panel.)

Cloud
"Is it........ Sephiroth?"

Margie: (as Cloud) Are you my mother?...-worshipping insane hero?

(The captain turns, slowly.... then falls over, dead.)

Cloud
"No... not Sephiroth!"

Angela: (as Cloud) He's a kind, gentle soul who wouldn't hurt a kitten! Unless of course it stood in the way of his plans for world domination!

"........After a long sleep..."

(They all look around for the source of the voice.)

"...the time..."
"...time has....... come....."

Angela: He's awfully melodramatic about brushing his teeth, isn't he.

Aerith
"Look, Cloud!!"

(The figure of Sephiroth arises where the captain stood.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth! You're alive!"

Glenn: (as Sephiroth, defensively) No, I'm not.

"........Who are you?"

Cloud
"You don't remember me!? I'm Cloud!"

Glenn: (singing) You don't remember my name, I guess you dooooon't...

"Cloud..."

Luna: (as Sephiroth) ...don't interrupt my apocalyptic speech.

Cloud
"Sephiroth! What are you thinking!? What are you doing!?"

Margie: (as Cloud) What are you wearing?!

Angela: (as Cloud) What are we doing here?!

Luna: (as Cloud) What happened to the plot?!

Glenn: (as Cloud) What's for lunch?!

"...the time..... is now......"

Cloud
"What are you saying!? Be more..."

Luna: ...dramatic, we haven't quite overdosed.

(The figure of Sephiroth rises, then crashes into Cloud and the others, sending them to the floor. It soars skyward.)

Margie: (as Sephiroth) WHEEEEEEE!

(Boss battle with Jenova-BIRTH)

(A pulsating limb of Jenova, leftover from the battle, lies on the floor.)

Luna: (as Barret) I ain't pickin' that up.

Margie: (as Red XIII) Don't look at me. I have no opposable thumbs.

Tifa
"I've seen this somewhere... before."

(Cloud bends)

Margie: Fully poseable! Comes with two angst and confusion refills!

Cloud
"...Jenova. The arm of Jenova."

Aerith
"Jenova... With this thing?"

Margie: With this thing, I thee rend...

(The arm vanishes.)

Cloud
"So it WAS Sephiroth."

Luna: Um... humungous sword, long white hair, shirtless, black coat, apocalyptic speeches... and it took THIS to tip you off?

Tifa
"He said something about it being time for something."

Luna: Thank you, that was terribly helpful.

Cloud
"......Time...is now?"

Aerith
"Hmmm... I don't get it."
"Hey, Cloud. Can you explain it to us?"

Margie: (as Aerith) And do all the voices!

Cloud
"I'll try, but don't interrupt me while I'm explaining."

(He steps away)

Cloud
"Sephiroth went off searching for the Promised Land, so he could become the ruler of the planet... That was 5 years ago."
"Then Sephiroth came back and killed President Shinra."

(He turns)

Margie: (as Cloud) Wait. I forgot the pole-dancing part.

Cloud
"And then just now all of us saw Sephiroth."

(He walks forward)

Cloud
"He was carrying Jenova with him."

Angela: That explains the blood-spattered cat carrier.

"...This much I do know. He told me he wants to go to the Promised Land with his mother, Jenova."
"....I guess that's about it."

(A voice comes over the intercom)

"Dock workers-- We will be docking in Costa del Sol in 5 minutes. Prepare for docking."

Aerith
"Maybe we shouldn't stay in here anymore..."

(All leave but Cloud. He pauses at the doorway and turns back.)

Cloud
"Sephiroth..... is alive..."
"The Promised Land.... Does it really exist...?"

Margie: (announcer voice) Tune in next time.

(He leaves the engine room.)