Mostly Ink / Writing

"FFVII! The Musical" - a set of Final Fantasy VII song parodies by sarahtheboring

1. "Aerith's Alive" ("Stayin' Alive", the Bee Gees)

Well, you can tell by the way they write their posts
They're all lamers, man, they love to boast
If they can find a way around, they'll take it then
And throw rumors 'round

Well it's all right, it's okay
You like to claim that you can play
But we can't try to understand
How a Game Shark makes you a better man

You're making up your stories and making up your glories
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive

So you got both WEAPONs on your own
Except the chip of plastic, all alone
But you couldn't handle it yourself
Had to make it up, and then share the wealth

Well it's all right, it's okay
We'll let you have your spammer's say
But we can't try to understand
How cheating makes you cooler, man

You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you
Gotta help you make it through
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you through

Yeah, Aerith's alive...

So you say you found this Chocobo
Say it's purple, man, and it really glows
It can run right under the ocean floor
Fight the sixth WEAPON and so much more

Now it's all right, it's okay
Ignoring you from day to day
But we can't try to understand
How this stuff would fit into Square's plan

You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you
Gotta help you make it through
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you through

Yeah, Aerith's aliiiiiive...

(repeat to fade)

2. "Disc Three" ("One Week", Barenaked Ladies)

It's been -
One week since the Promised Land
When Tifa and Barret fell into the wrong hands
One week since the WEAPONs rose
And Cloud found his idol in his seven-year doze
One week since Meteor was called
And Cloud handed over Seph's magic 8-Ball
The longest days in history
But it's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy

Now, you remember Cait Sith? The one we fought with?
Well now he's saving Tifa from the gas
With the help of Sapphire and its breath, it was getting close to death
So it decided to take out half of Junon's Upper Branch
Tifa got into a smack fight, when she saw daylight
And hit old Scarlett into next year
Thank goodness for the Highwind, they picked up their friend
And ran to Mideel to face Cloud's fear

They found their Cloudie in a daze, drank Mako sixteen different ways
So faithful Tifa stuck around in Mideel to be his nursemaid
They said that Cid should be the boss though Barret saw this as a loss
But with the Highwind the party has it all made

I don't know why the great Summon took so long
Though it gave us a chance to grow quite strong
And spend half our time breeding those Chocobos
What was the point of it all? Well, who knows?
We were hooked, though it went on endlessly
We're amused by the way that Cid runs

It's been one week since the Corel train
When Barret proved his worth to his town again
One week since the Condor fort
When we fought polygons and called it a great sport
One week since the Mideel war
When Ultimate WEAPON embarked on its world tour
Tifa fell in Cloud's history
But there's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy

(solo)

Huge Materia, we got four of 'em
The Shinra love 'em
But our party got 'em anyway
Spent some time with Bugenhagen, did some Ancient-theory talkin'
While Scarlett turned the Cannon into Sister Ray
Rufus facin' Diamond WEAPON, they turned the Ray on
But it didn't help him anyway
AVALANCHE went para-jumping, while Hojo's pumping
His cells up with JENOVA in a bad way
Cleared Midgar in a wink, the Turks are starting now to think
That their careers are at an end so now they've scattered
Now Cloud and Co. are on their own because they know the Northern Cave has blown
Itself wide open and the earth will soon be shattered

They take a week off to bond and to grow more
Everyone decides what they're fighting for
Cloud and Tifa share a moment, but did those
Crazy kids share something more? Well, who knows?
The Northern Crater's coming next and it's a doozy
Who can blame them for a little escape?

It's been one week since they took it on
Sephiroth's Crater in one spiralling run
One week since they met the fall
Of Jenova-SYNTH, who's now just a big ball
One week since Bizarro Seph
Though Knights of the Round sent that thing to its death
One Winged Angel's a mystery
But they had enough time to find the real Sephy

Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy
Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy

Where in the hell can that Gold Chocobo be?...

3. "Hojo, Shinra Scientist" ("Maxwell's Silver Hammer", the Beatles)

Lovely Lucrecia, messing round with Jenova
Worked for Shinra Inc.
Had a thing for men in blue uniforms, o-o-o-oh
Hojo needed fun, thought he'd be a better one
For this lovely girl
"The world's next villain needs a new mother, so-o-o-o"
And before she can decide yes or no
They're necking in the night...

(ba-da bah bah)

Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head
Ha ha, Hojo got her, but are we sure that she is dead?

Vincent Valentine said "Lucrecia will be mine"
Hojo's not amused
"I'm the only man for Lucrecia, bo-o-o-oy"
They got in a fight, Hojo did his business right
Shot him in the arm
Used him for experimentation, o-o-o-oh
Now every time our Vin gets annoyed
He mutates 'fore our eyes...

(ba-dah bah bah)

Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)
Ha ha, Hojo got revenge, and now Vincent is undead

(Doo doo da-doo doo)

(solo)

Back in Nibelheim, yet another tinkering time
SOLDIERs Zack and Cloud
One succeeded, one is a failure, o-o-o-oh
Poor Zack bought the farm, Cloud was done some mental harm
Developed MPD (Developed MPD)
Wandered 'round and learned to kill in one blo-o-o-ow
But as old Hojo's charging the Ray
Cloud sneaks up from behind...

Ha, ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)
Ha ha, Cloud just got him back, and now Hojo's finally dead (whoa whoa whoa)

(Doo doo da-doo doo)

Maaaan oooof Shiiiiinraaaa...

4. "Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)" ("Istanbul (Not Constantinople)", They Might Be Giants)

(Vincent's Song)

Nibelheim, not back in Midgar
Sleeps in Nibelheim, not back in Midgar
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar
No more Turkish delight with a sniper sight

All the Shinra back up in Midgar
Wonder where Vince went, he's not back in Midgar
They remember when he ran round in Midgar
Shooting people up on their word

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that way

He's got the claw, the coolest in Midgar
Got lycanthropy and internal torture
He's the designated Dark Dude of Midgar
Looks like Hojo's given him the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks'

Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)
Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that way

(solo)

Do do do do...

Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that wayyyyy!

So parachute him back into Midgar
Grab your shotgun shells and storm back to Midgar
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar
Looks like Hojo's given him the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks'...

Nibelheiiiiiiim...

5. "Our Favorite Cid" ("The Rascal King", Mighty Mighty Bosstones)

Well he was
Fueled by a lack of funding for his dream
The Shinra, they cut him back
And let him scream
Foul was his mouth and funny was his walk
A goofy swagger, but the latter was never in Disc One

Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it

The Shinra gave him a plane
His pride and joy, they say
Despite its pink paint job
And of course its stupid name
But the Tiny Bronco had its day when Palmer came to call
Even hobbled it would wobble, but that thing would never fall

(solo)

The most infamous in Seven
He smokes and swears, he yells and tears (Play it again!)
A hero and a hooligan, the parents up in arms (Play it again!)
A pack of Luckies in his hat (Play it again!)
He probably hates that Cait Sith cat (Play it again!)
Call him crude, but in this game
He beats that SeeD guy, what's-his-name!

6. "Turning Into Zack" ("Turning Japanese", the Vapors)

(Cloud's Song)

It's something I could
Just never do
You got in SOLDIER
I said "Me too!"
Can't deal with failure so I said it wasn't true

I lost my job and
Half of my head
Turned mercenary
Just like you said
And I tried to get your girlfriend into bed

I ran to Midgar
To win young Tifa
But I ended up inside a glass tube
I wandered back there
Not just to see her
But to try to get my ego back too

And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning
Yes I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so

(solo)

Then Tifa's father,
He took a picture
Of my hero Sephiroth, her, and you
I told the others
That it was me but
I was the only guard remaining of two

And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning,
Yes I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so

His hair, his sword, his clothes, his future, his past, his mind, no wonder Aeris was lost
Everyone has told me that my story's twisted
Everyone has heard me, but they haven't listened
Everyone...

And now I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so

(solo)

Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so, hope so, hope so, hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so

7. "Spikey Ass" ("Heart of Glass", Blondie)

(Sephiroth's Song)

Becoming a god, it's been such a gas
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass
Thinks he's in SOLDIER, delusional ma-a-a-n
I'll show him who's boss fast as I can

Army of clones marching at my side
They're even more helpful when they've died
Made my big entrance in Nibelhe-i-i-m
Then Shinra's top bigwig ran out of time

Born to rule
The Planet's chosen me and I would be a fool
Not to hear its calling, it's been
Pretty cool
Exerting all my powers, yeah, it's just no use
To challenge me, you'll get crushed

Ruling the world, it'll all be mine
I'll grab all the Materia I can find
I'll call down Meteor and toast them a-a-a-all
I'll have that Cloud at my beck and call

Powerful,
There's no one else like me and it is pitiful,
That they will try to stop me and my
Fated rule,
The last of the real Ancients, yea-ah

(solo)

In the end,
I'll be the One Winged Angel and I'll meet again
Our silly hero Cloud now that he's on the mend
From his dip into the Lifestream, but it's all no use
I'll get them like I'm meant to

(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)

Ruling the world, it's been such a gas
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass
Thinks he's the real thing, delusional ma-a-an
I'll send him to Lifestream once again

(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)

8. "Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)" ("Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)", the Offspring)

(Rufus' Song)

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy

Uno dos tres, do exactly as he says!

You know it's kinda hard just to rule the world today
But Rufus does his New Age thing and rules it anyway
His fighting is the lamest, he ends up getting shot
He wears this white Armani suit and chicks all think he's hot!

So don't debate, accept your fate
You know he'll have you in his power anyway
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near
He'll find a way, he'll find a way
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight
The world needs dictators, so hey hey do that evil thing!

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy

He needs a cool throne, not just any will suffice
So he stepped in just as Sephiroth got Daddy packed in ice
He cruises in his copter and sends SOLDIERs after Cloud
He never gets his hair messed up and cackles really loud!

Now he's got a problem yeah, there's Diamond Weapon
It's got his sights on him and there is nowhere to run
They say that Rufus is toast, yeah, he's going to trip
But he'll be brought back in a, in a lot of fics!

Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Uno dos tres, do exactly as he says

Bonus Tracks from "A MSTing of FFVII"

Note: In the MSTing script, Aeris is often referred to as "Aerith" - this is a holdover from the script used for the MSTing. Yes, I know it's pronounced "Aeris" anyway. Also, there are a couple of mentions of past riffs here and there - all-you-can-eat shrimp buffets, for example - but for the most part these songs are stand-alone.

"Stairway to Shinra" ("Stairway to Heaven", Led Zeppelin)

There's a lady who knows
That her sidekick's a clone
And she's climbing a stairway to Shinra
When she gets there, she knows
That their cover is blown
And they'll have a gratuitous fight scene

Ooooo-ooo-ooh, and they're climbing a stairway to Shinra

There's a guard at the door, and the sixtieth floor
Starts a series of annoying puzzles
And on old sixty-two, Domino will help you
But he sends you on some pointless errand

Oooh, and it makes us wonder
Ooooooooooh, makes us wonder

There's a gym of a sort on floor sixty-four
With pointless amusement aplenty
And dumb Cloud left alone Cait Sith's best megaphone
Though we saw it back in the instructions

Oooh, and it makes us wonder
Ooooooooooh, makes us wonder

And we heard Shinra's fix on floor sixty-six
Leave the slums, blame our heroes, and tax them
And then nobody cheered when Hojo appeared
And he told of experiments shady

Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa

If you get bored out of your head here, you're not alone, now
It's driven players mad for ages
Just hang on, it gets even duller, a bit later
Northern Crater makes you want to scream

And it makes us wonder
Ahhhhh-whooooa...

On sixty-seven lives old Hojo, and in his freak show
There is a strange sort of red thing
Well yes, it tried to run down Aerith, but it was done with
A motive of its escaping him

And in a creepy tank, aglow
With pinkish light that may be Mako
There is an alien, we know her
As Sephy's so-called mom, Jenova
And headless though she is, she bails
Once Shinra throws us into jail
And Sephy-clone leaves his blood trail
And causes Prez to be impaled, yeah
But they get Aerith and they saiiiiiiiiiiiil...

And they're cli-imbing a staiiiiirway... to Shiiin-raaa...

"Rule Them With Fear" ("Larger Than Life", the Backstreet Boys)

(Sung by Rufus, Reeve, Reno, Tseng, and technically Rude)

Rufus
(maniacal laughter)

When my dad was president you all had it good, all right
Put you all on easy street with shrimp plates to spare, all rieeght

Rufus, Reno, Reeve, and Tseng
But by our man Seph-y,
That fish was spee-e-a-ared...

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

Reno
Yeah, at first I thought, this has got to be wrong, come on
A hundred pairs of dress shoes and he fights with his dog, come on!

Reno, Reeve, and Tseng
(Turks!) But it's the pay that
Keeps us in bee-e-e-e-eer...

Rufus, Reno, Reeve, and Tseng
Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

(solo)

Reno, Reeve, and Tseng
But it's the pay that
Keeps us in bee-e-e-e-eeer...

(solo)

Yeah, if you dare rebel
Yeah, Shinra will be nee-a-a-ar
Yeah, that is how I'll rule them with feeaaar!

Midgar's people, can't you see, can't you see
We're in the age of Rufie and the ride ain't free
If you dare rebel, Shinra will be near
And thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem-
Thaaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem-
Thaaat's hoooow I'll ruuuule theeeem with fear!

"Me & Aeris (Bond in the Schoolyard)" ("Me & Julio (Down by the Schoolyard)", Paul Simon)

(Sung by Cloud)

Woke up in stir, didn't know where we were
There's blood on the floor for an acre
Jenova'd been sprung by her wayward son
And the Prez finally met his maker
It's a major bra-awl
It was a major brawl
Shinra's gonna faaaaall
It's a major brawl

Ooh, Aeris is back but we almost got whacked
By the President's son and housepet
Meanwhile the girl and the cat get caught
In an elevator, ambushed I bet

Ahead on our way
We don't know where we're goin'
Ahead on our way
We're chasing as Seph flies through the air
Goodbye Jessie,
Nice to have known ya
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard
And me and Aeris bond in the schoolyard

(solo)

Uh-oh!
Grabbed a bike and we ran, and I showed that I can
Sling this sword with a little skill
End up outside the gates and facing our fates
With only ourselves and a few gil

Hidden Tracks

(These were originally slated to appear somewhere in "A MSTing".)

"Reno" ("Rio", Duran Duran)

(Sung by a slavering Reno fangirl)

Hangin' with the Turks of Shinra, always cracking wise
With a wicked smile and those gorgeous aqua eyes
In the Gongagan woods or a Wutaian cliff
He catches our attention best
He's always lackadaisacal
And of course the finest dressed

His name is Reno and he works for Shinra Inc.
His only weaknesses are fashion and the drink
And with that attitude it always makes me think:
Oh Reno, Reno, be mine when the Shinra sink

You see him in the fights
It mesmerizes me
Though to beat him we're forced
And once it's off the screen
Theorize where he's going to
And who he's celebrating with back at H.Q.

His name is Reno and he works for Shinra Inc.
His only weaknesses are fashion and the drink
And with that attitude it always makes me think:
Oh Reno, Reno, be mine when the Shinra sink

(Sax solo)

Hey now, whoo, check it out
Though they try to beat him down
With an electrical stick
And sardonic wit
He always makes the hit, the hit, the hit
He'll take the chance
He says it's just his job or something
You know what I'm thinking
I'll tell you something
You know what I'm thinking...

His name is Reno and he works for Shinra Inc.
His only weaknesses are fashion and the drink
And with that attitude it always makes me think:
Oh Reno, Reno, be mine when the Shinra sink

(fadeout)

His name is Reno, we don't need to understand
Why he's considered such a damn desirable man
Oh Reno, Reno, it's the most that I can stand
Looks like a refugee from some garagey band...

"Even Dead He's Gorgeous" ("Drop Dead Gorgeous", Republica)

(Sung by a slavering Sephiroth fangirl)

Oh yeah...

SOLDIER-made, he's patent
Makoed and massive
Shinra has seen that
The Masamune's not his only weapon

The uncontested
Caped and bare-chested
He's whipped the rest and
The Masamune's not his only weapon
Only weapon

I know Sephiroth's malign
Arson throughout Nibelheim
His mind's in permanent decline
And now, even dead he's gorgeous

Lost his head a final time
Said he'd see Jenova shine
Impaled and crystallized
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

Yeah, the girls all drooling
What are they fooling
This guy's not playing
With Oedipus and Cloud, he's been taken

They try to match him
Aeris won't catch him
And none will snatch him
With Oedipus and Cloud, he's been taken
He's been taken

I know Sephiroth's malign
Alien and man combined
By Hojo and his girl designed
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

Might be his or Valentine's
Not that Sephy really minds
He thinks that he's divine
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

(solo)

Oh yeah...

I know Sephiroth's malign
Arson throughout Nibelheim
His mind's in permanent decline
And now, even dead he's gorgeous

Lost his head a final time
Said he'd see Jenova shine
Impaled and crystallized
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

I know Sephiroth's malign
Blasphemy in Ancients' shrines
Shoved Masamune through Aeris' spine
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

Cloud will get him back in time
Bring him down like any swine
With Omnislash it's signed
Yeah yeah, even dead he's gorgeous

Oh yeah...

Still dead.