What Is Not
a 7x200-word Revolutionary Girl Utena double-drabble set by sarahtheboring
Based on the Duel Name Challenge in utenadrabble.
(Counterpoint: Friendship)
When we were ten we didn't know fear. You hung onto me, I touched your hand when it hurt, you yelled at me to stop before I did something stupid. Sometimes I beat you in our matches, and sometimes you beat me. When we were ten, these things were no larger than themselves. Lives did not hang in the balance on every word. All we had and all we wanted was an eternity of afternoons.
Eternity flickered in a church one night, lighting my own fire as it died out. The world was bigger than us now, and I wanted everything. I could not save you, because you did not need to be saved. We met at sword-point, and then not at all.
Before you were your sister's god and hero, before you were Heir to the Kiryuu Fortune, before you were the Academy's object of female adulation, before you were the Student Council President, before you were a duelist, before you were Tenjou's most lovesick opponent, before you were Ohtori's dog and errand boy, before you were the wreck of a failed prince, I knew you.
I am patient when it suits me, and I have a long memory.
---
(Watching: Self)
Kyouichi hangs onto Touga when they ride because it's Touga's bike. If it were his own he'd be the one pedaling. They practice in Touga's yard because there is more room. They join the kendo team together because they both want to play.
Then he loses track.
Sometimes he loses Touga in the prince that Touga has so carefully created, under the murmurs and the engaging smiles. When they spar, when they ride and Touga forgets to taunt him, when the others aren't around, he appears again. Saionji bests him at kendo every time. Come back for revenge, if you dare, if you think you can beat me. Come back.
Saionji grows up stronger than he does, with his monklike dedication. He ignores girls. Touga can't. Saionji practices alone. He is always watching, always listening. His world is too bitter to be soothed with words, and he turns away as Touga touches his hair, ignoring the artful arrangement of white and red.
Tact doesn't win matches, and his vicious streak does. He grows hard and bitter and his weaknesses hide in plain sight. He is what Touga is not.
And every word he speaks says I know who you are.
---
(Zero-Sum: Jealousy)
"You're still here?"
He turned, resting the practice sword on his shoulder. "Where else would I be?"
Touga's smile slid wider; he brushed his hair back as he opened his mouth to speak. Before he could finish Saionji turned away. "Ugh."
"You could try once in a while."
He regained his stance. "Why should I bother when you more than make up for it?"
"Hm." Touga watched as Saionji practiced, not speaking. His Council uniform was an incongruity here. "Arisugawa can't hold the Rose Bride forever, you know. She's getting more and more distracted, and Tsuchiya isn't around to beat her anymore."
His grip tightened. "I know. Do you have plans?"
Touga shrugged without embellishment. "I don't make the decisions."
"But you think you could beat her."
"Oh, I could."
He said nothing. She doesn't want you. She's the only one you can't beat with that act. Arisugawa and me.
"Doesn't it bother you?" Touga leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. "Arisugawa getting everything she ever wanted."
"Arisugawa can go to hell."
"Would you know what to do with the Rose Bride if you had her? I would."
"And you can go with her."
Touga smiled slowly. "Good luck."
---
(Weapon: Dependence)
Touga must see it. It's everywhere. His hands are on her, her arms are fragile in his grip, everywhere that others are. She places the rose on his chest and accepts his mouth when he stoops to kiss her. Everyone can see it, and when he and the Bride are alone, he wonders what they would think if they knew.
Winter will never come to her garden. She is not a woman. He knows everything that she will do and say. His assumptions are something like trust.
Arisugawa's hand tightens sometimes around her stupid necklace, and Kaoru's twitches, marking time. Touga says nothing. But her words are the only ones that matter, because they are absolute. I am yours. I will give you all I am. Forever, forever, forever. When night falls he forgets the petty arguments and the whisperings about who might challenge him. He does not forget Touga's nonchalance, but in his mind it changes. Using her, all things are possible. There is infinite time to plan what Touga might say.
Touga says nothing. He has never won her, after all. Someday, in this infinite time, he will accept defeat. Saionji can wait until then. Nothing will change.
---
(Conversation: Alienation)
Don't ask about the Chairman. Don't ask about the Rose Bride, or whether you've seen her, or how she's doing with Tenjou. Don't ask about Tenjou. Don't ask why Arisugawa was so damn ferocious yesterday. You probably don't want to know. Ask about Tsuchiya if you think you have to, but don't think you want to hear the answers. Don't ask why he hasn't offered to go riding lately. Don't ask if he misses the sidecar even if it is a joke. Don't ask what he does up there all day. Don't even think about what he does at night. Don't ask about his sister. Don't ask about who he thinks the next duellist will be. Don't ask whether he's finally taken one of those girls up on her offers. Don't ask why he hasn't. Don't ask whether he misses the Rose Bride. Don't ask what he's waiting for. Don't ask about the revolution. Don't ask whether he must be blind for not having figured it out yet. Don't ask him what he's noticed, don't ask him what he's heard. Don't ask him what he thinks and don't ask him what he wants.
Above all, do not ask about Tenjou.
---
(Human: Revolution)
The beast has the shell of a prince wrapped around it. He has forgotten which is which. It devours everything it touches; few things are strong enough to stand against it. In a night of howling wind he found one thing, in a night of shifting light he found the second. The third he had tested with every trick he knew, with sidelong smiles and dangled clues. He had resisted with narrowed eyes, but in the end he gave in. Now is the time to cast him off, to devour another and another.
Touga paused, staring at the sky. Next to him Saionji breathed as though they'd knocked one another out in some out-of-control kendo match. If Touga spoke of beasts or resistance now, Saionji would glare at him sourly and tell him to get back on the subject. He had been to the ends of the world, but still lay there, catching his breath.
The last few petals were falling as the champion left the floor.
"Is it over for us?" Saionji did not look over; he did not need to.
"No. It's not over until we see it through the very end."
Something moved past them and away.
---
(Beginning: Love)
I remember seeing your petals dance in a blue sky. I remember what you looked like in the dark, your bared throat, your closed eyes. I remember not the sword, but the understanding that I would take it. I remember waiting and not waiting, watching light crawl up someone else's wall, debating whether death or rescue would be preferable. I remember giving you my old life between cheap covers, because no one else could be trusted and I could not keep it. I remember not understanding anything. What it meant. When it would be over.
I remember knowing that you would be there when my end came. I remember twisted silk sheets and wondering how, exactly, this would make me strong. I remember the endless sound of who I used to be, hating and thanking you for never coming when I could manage to think at all. I remember your comments about her. I remember watching you wear the Rose Bride like a championship ribbon and knowing you were better than that. I remember lightning and the coffins and forgetting that you were there. The first mistake. Not the last.
I remember being a duelist. But that doesn't matter now.